He has just told me to F off

[Confusedandconfusedandconfused]

Partner of 1.5 years, we are away together for a few days.

He gave me some feedback based on a job I am applying for and it bruised me. I asked if we could speak back in the room rather than in a public place and we haven’t been speaking for the last couple of hours. I’m feeling stressed as have an upcoming interview and the atmosphere is not good.

We had dinner plans and I just said I wasn’t feeling up to it. I have also had another rejection for a different job I was applying to and feeling quite low.

He has stormed off out of our hotel and shouted at me to “fuck off”. I fully intend to.

What do I do now? We are in a tiny village.

He is otherwise supportive kind and patient but swearing at me is a red flag and I don’t want to continue the relationship.

Although it's not nice he told you to fuck off, I can see why he reached his limit
He thought you'd be having a relaxing few days together after a difficult few months?) and you've been stressed out about jobs and even have an interview in the middle.
Now you've thrown your toys out of the pram and moved
If he's normally kind and supportive, let this go

Why is applying for jobs stressing you out so much? do you currently have a job?

I can sympathise with how you may feel about being rejected for a job and then hearing what you perceived as harsh criticism.

But you were sulking. And you have ruined your own holiday and now blown up your relationship, are you any nearer to succeeding in your job hunt for having destabilised your personal life?

You mention him saying "again" so do you have form for sulking? or is this not typically how you handle negative emotional situations? if this is out of character for you maybe you can reflect on this and take some responsibility. If this is typically how you behave you have now learned that other people won't tolerate that, they will indeed tell you to fuck off.

However, it seems that he is not throwing the relationship away, he is not literally telling you to fuck off, he is voicing his frustration.

Seems a shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship simply because your confidence has taken a hit. Acting like a dog in a manger won't restore confidence. Getting the upper hand through sulking simply to make yourself feel better has so far not paid off!

All right, I think op has got the message.

We've all had arguments I'm sure. I know me and my dh have had some humdingers and it's not always been his fault. 😂

OP, try to get a good night's sleep and good luck with the interview tomorrow.

If your relationship is good, you'll get through some arguments. You can sort it out tomorrow.

This.

It sounds like he's reached breaking point. I still remember the only time my mum swore at me. I'd been horrible and she snapped. She then cried because it was only the second time in her life that she'd told anyone to fuck off.

Then I cried, for pushing my wonderful mum to do something so out of character with my behaviour, and for upsetting her so much that she cried.

31 years later I still know it was absolutely my fault.

If this is completely out of character for him I'd want to know what exactly had pushed him to react like that, because it isn't normal for him.

You're not wrong to have red lines and boundaries, but if I were you I would sleep on this one. You sound really stressed out and upset, you've clearly got a lot on your plate at the moment and I wouldn't make big decisions in that frame of mind. I'd have a break and a good night's sleep, then really think about whether this is abusive behaviour from your dp that might escalate, or whether it's a generally decent man losing his rag once because of mismatched expectations and poor communication. Did you feel threatened? Has he shouted at you before? You know him, we don't - but I do think there are some circumstances in which a swear word in anger is forgivable.

This.

You sulked because he gave you honest feedback.

You then threw your toys out the pram and refused to go for dinner.

I'dve told you to fuck off at that point as well.

Is it just this incident that makes you want to leave him-are you both stressed? You’re doing interviews on holiday? I think you should sleep on it. You live together so do you want to split up/move out/get him to move out? Is it rented/yours/his?

I'm sure I've sworn at my DH from time to time. I am the one who tends to get shouty, he's usually calm. To me, swearing is a way of letting out frustration that I know is wrong, but only something I do with him really because I know he understands me. If he ever does have a bit of a go at me, I know it's because I've pushed him too far.

I think you've pushed your bf too far, OP, and you are completely over reacting to his reaction. Of course, what you do about it is up to you. And he might have changed his mind too about you.

Most people work hard all year to go on holiday to relax and not think about work for a week or two. You seem to have taken work stress with you. I would not be impressed if my partner did this. However, you can't get out of your interview, so I think you need to focus of this for now and think about what you want to do with your relationship after. Good luck with your interview 🍀

I'm with you. Personally, for me, it's not a big deal, but understand if it is for you.

Tbh you have kind of ruined the holiday preparing for an interview I feel that's definitely a bit strange and totally kills the holiday mood. Swearing isn't something that bothers me but if it bothers you, you should talk to him about it but I honestly do think this interview has ruined your holiday

I also think you've over reacted though with looking for someone else to stay. You are an adult I assume and that's very child like behaviour

Do you think that he has been exposed to a possible relationship whereby they sulked, angered quickly and as a result he finds it difficult to read faces?

You being tense about a possible job is a pretty healthy reaction. Nerves are normal, prepping for an interview, normal. Asking for support, normal.

But none of the above is about him. With the exception of him being a superhero and highlighting your flaws with interview, he's got no role in what you're doing.

You're stealing all the attention he wants on him/us.

My suggestion is to stop being grateful for him removing the main focus which is your career and making him the main focus because he swore and had a tantrum.

Do not let him ruin your safety in the small village, your future with this job or your time where you are.

I’m afraid he’s crossed a major line into being abusive with that derogatory outburst. First he tries to sabotage your interview by smashing your confidence, and then when you have the gaul to be upset he unleashes a torrent of vitriol on you and leaves you alone in a foreign place to fend for yourself.

You need to protect yourself by leaving. Do you have a brother or a strong friend who can make sure you are safe while you give him his marching orders, I’m just afraid with his temper what he could do

He doesn't sound supportive or tactful at all. Does he actually know how to boost your confidence when you're having a wobble or feeling unsure of yourself? He sounds like he stokes it instead. He makes you feel bad for feeling bad rather than noticing it and helping to boost you. He sounds like an energy drain. He'll only be happy if you're happy, he'll get upset if you're upset. He'll just blame you for not feeling how he wants to feel. This kind of emotional mirroring does not help anybody.

He's not for you. You've done the right thing to separate.

I remember my abusive ex pushing me to swearing then playing the martyr. Like anything that comes before the "bad word" doesn't matter.

It's not cool

This.

If you wasted my annual leave and money I’d be dumping you not the other way round!

Do people pretend to be happy when they are not just because they are on holiday? What a bunch of fakers.

I'd rather have a partner that had my back, than one that wanted me to pretend everything was great when I felt like shit. Proper relationships are always supportive, no matter what the context.

Refreshing to see an op who actually has some boundaries here. She doesn't want to accept being sworn at, he's not sorry and hasn't apologised so she's ended it.

Good for her.

You think she's the abusive one?

Hyperbolic nonsense.

And I have worked with victims of domestic abuse.

Get a grip!

So op has been applying for jobs for months with no joy she asks him for feedback but then doesn't like it .....and you think he should have lied and said darling your application is fantastic.....her reaction seeming to be what does he know my application is great is the crap one.

+1 with this exactly

I'd probably have told you to fuck off as well, but that's only from the limited info you've given here. None of us know the background or nuance to the situation.

I think there may be an overreaction with the accommodation move, it seems unnecessary. But I hope you're safe if you're in a small village somewhere abroad? And if this is what you felt you needed to do, and you were no longer comfortable in the situation you were in, then good for you for holding firm on this boundary.

Do let us know you're okay please x

From what's been written? Yes I absolutely do.

How is one fuck off a torrent of Vitriol? What was the derogatory outburst? Oh right he's male and to be perfect he must practice that's wonderful your perfect dear, you've not worked for months were on holiday (not sure who paid for holiday or the second room) you've spent the holiday applying for work ask my help then complained about it, stopped talking cancelled dinner and I'm wrong if course I am darling.