He has just told me to F off

[Confusedandconfusedandconfused]

Partner of 1.5 years, we are away together for a few days.

He gave me some feedback based on a job I am applying for and it bruised me. I asked if we could speak back in the room rather than in a public place and we haven’t been speaking for the last couple of hours. I’m feeling stressed as have an upcoming interview and the atmosphere is not good.

We had dinner plans and I just said I wasn’t feeling up to it. I have also had another rejection for a different job I was applying to and feeling quite low.

He has stormed off out of our hotel and shouted at me to “fuck off”. I fully intend to.

What do I do now? We are in a tiny village.

He is otherwise supportive kind and patient but swearing at me is a red flag and I don’t want to continue the relationship.

You're definitely not the only one

I think there's 2 sides to this, he's either like what this poster has said OR he's sick to death of dealing with your job stress, he thought a holiday might give it a bit of a break and time for you to both relax. You've been talking about your answers for the interview and he's thought they need to be stronger as he wants you to get the job! You've then gone in to a mood because of this and he's called you out on it.

It's not ideal him telling you to fuck off but he has potentially got to the end of his tether if this has been going on for a long time.

You say he guesses at your moods, I mean how often are you just going "quiet" because it sounds like a quiet mood is a reaction and he's potentially doesn't know if he's done something wrong or not.

I'm not saying this is the case but I think it's another option 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think the perspective in these posts is skewed. It's fine - good even - to expect not to be sworn at and to not want to continue a relationship where you're sworn at. It's not been long, there's no children involved, just walk away. It's perfectly normal to expect someone to treat you with respect and not use aggression towards you.

If I ever dated again I would not tolerate swearing. I would let them know in advance (and may give a one warning system if I loved them). This is because I was in a verbally abusive relationship that escalated massively from the occasional angry "fuck off" to regular aggressive shouting, swearing and name calling. It's a red flag for me now, and because of my history, it's deeply upsetting. I'd rather be on my own than be told to fuck off, even once a year. My parents never swore at each other, I have never sworn at DC or partners (and I swear a lot in general) - it's not hard to not be aggressive to the people you love.

Also on people saying she shouldn't have had the job interview - what are you actually on about. Do you expect her to turn down an important opportunity because she's away? Some people have clearly never experienced job insecurity and the immense stress that comes with it.

Jeez I bet he was glad to see the back of you last night!
You do sound like hard work. But you know that. And if he's still about this morning then you owe him a BIG apology!

This is so refreshing to read; sometimes emotion runs away with us and we behave in ways which are difficult for others but without zooming out and looking from another perspective we can’t see it because we’re so deep in it.

So many times people get so sleep in the defensive position that they just refuse to see another perspective, opening your mind and hearing feedback is such an emotionally mature thing to do. I know that sounds patronising and I don’t mean it to, I just couldn’t think of another way to say it.

Anyway good luck with the applications.

Why in earth didn't you rearrange the interview for when you were back from holiday? Can you even guarantee good enough Internet connection in a 'tiny village'. Completely understand why your DH was pissed about the trip being ruined and you moving rooms is a complete overreaction

I don’t think I would ask for feedback unless I was comfortable receiving it. That said I don’t think I would tolerate such aggressive behaviour from my partner either, and it doesn’t bode well.

@Confusedandconfusedandconfused Please don’t passively accept all the posters telling you him swearing at you is not that bad/your fault etc.

He was obviously insensitive in how he delivered his feedback which was uncalled for. Telling you to fuck off is so aggressive. I don’t blame you from wanting space from the relationship.

Good luck with your job search.

I read as far as you have an interview the next day.

Why?

I thought I'd misread as you're away abroad in a tiny village.

Was there no option to have that interview somewhere else?

I think you both need to sit down and talk this through.

I've been married 35 years with all its ups and downs.
Swearing happens and it doesn't have to be 'the end'. I've got a fiery side and have often told DH to f off. But 10 minutes later I'm apologising.

I've friends where they throw things at each other during rows.
And they've been married 40 years.

I think you were both unreasonable.
You for making your holiday more about your job interview.
Him for getting ratty and impatient with you.

You need to look at the last 1.5 years and decide if you're compatible. Not flounce because of one 'fuck off.'

Admittedly I wasn’t too happy but he frequently tries to interpret my moods saying that “I’m not myself” etc which I find annoying when actually I’m just feeling quiet.

Having someone gaslight you about your own feelings is far bigger problem than swearing.

Run, do not walk, away from this man. Can you book an earlier flight?

By the way OP, giving him the silent treatment is emotionally abusive.

Sometimes, you don't get to choose when the interview is.

You want her to call the police?! And say what exactly? My boyfriend told me to fuck off. I'm sure the police will go and arrest him for that.

I think that criticism sounds quite constructive. I can imagine feeling annoyed if my partner asked me for feedback, I gave it, and they then became withdrawn silent and cancelled plans for dinner so I had to go alone - sure, swearing was a bit much - but…

I disagree, I think someone saying "You're not yourself" is a nice, kind way of saying "You are being an absolute bitch but I'm trying to think there is a reason behind your behaviour"!

That is not gaslighting. Look it up.

He is offering what it looks like to him, i.e. she is usually different. This is not gaslighting.

He's not wrong.

YABRU leaving him because of this. He said it as he was leaving, not AT you, in your face.

You sound like you've ruined the few days away, been pretty shitty with him & he'd had enough.

if you don't want to be with him anymore anyway, fine, but to lay it all on him muttering 'fuck off' like that is unfair.

Tbh, if I'd gone on holiday for a few days following a few stressful months of job hunting that had (by OP's admission) impacted on the relationship, I could just about tolerate them doing an interview while we were away.

But if that were also impacting on the holiday to the point they were talking about it, reacting badly to feedback they'd asked for, cancelled dinner etc, I'd also have considered to have ruined the holiday.

I don't know of I'd have told them to "fuck off then" because I've never been in that position. But I'd certainly have been thinking it.

The OP is entitled to have her boundaries but I do think the context here is relevant.

He describes you wanting to leave an uncomfortable situation, an act that will ensure that you get a good night's sleep ahead of your interview, as "escalating"?

Leave this man. You will spend the rest of your relationship walking on eggshells waiting for him to kick off again.

Yes she is escalating, taking the expression of her dissatisfaction to a higher level.

This.

@Hadjab are you ok hahahahaha wtf. You need to calm yourself down, what a drama honestly

You actually sound quite difficult OP.

It almost sounds like you wanted to ruin the holiday and you’ve gone and stayed somewhere else to create a drama and hope he’ll beg for you to come back.

Relationships are not meant to be this difficult, especially when you’re on holiday!!

Neither of you should have been discussing work matters or anything heavy on holiday and if you did want to discuss it then you shouldn’t have taken offence if he’s giving you constructive feedback.

It sounds like this relationship just doesn’t work.
If you’re falling out on holiday then I can’t imagine what it’s like when you’re at home.

Are you both just so busy that you don’t see each other much, which is why you feel like the relationship is working?
Or are there issues at home too?

He "tries to interpret her moods". He tells her that she is feeling whatever he thinks she feels, not what she actually feels. He is trying to impose his opinion over her actual feelings. He is trying to override her perception of events, which is gaslighting.

He is enacting the ninth rule of misogyny.

The 'fuck off' bit wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, OP, unless indicative of a broader pattern of abusive language and in the context of your own (understandable) preoccupation with finding a new job. Taking that on holiday would undeniably be frustrating for any partner. I find his accusation of 'escalating' more concerning. He certainly knows the established language associated with patterns of abuse. I'd want to get to the bottom of this (for clarification this isn't an automatic 'LTB').

But that's me. You're entitled to your own boundaries, and no one on the www can dictate to you what these are.