Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

I thought this. Imagine how he’ll be when you’re ill or when he has to think of the kids and not himself. No, no, no.

For balance, what are his great qualities?

It just seems like he's not making an effort or trying to impress from the start. I suspect it's just engrained in him, but it could be a difficult relationship.

This is good advice @WhingeyStingey I’m surprised not many people have mentioned it before but although he is stingy IMO there is also poor communication going on.

You explicitly told him not to bring something to dinner when you wanted him to. You offered to pay when you wanted him to pay. It sounds like you are a big time pleaser and you are communicating poorly in ways many people will fail to please you, even if they want to.

Regardless of him, I'd suggest you try to work on this. Or even nice, decent men will end up having an unequal relationship with you, because they barely understand what you want (because you do and say the opposite) and you keep delivering what they want, even without them asking for it!

I don’t know if I’d continue things with the guy as it may leave a bad taste in my mouth but this is Spot on. I used to be a bit like this, not so much with men but with some (platonic) female friends. I look back on a friendship that ended after being so one sided and wonder if I could’ve been better at communicating my needs and not been so quick to offer to pay every time we went out. I still think she took the piss and eventually I did pull her up on things, but I did probably play a role in our dynamics.

If you do go ahead with the date I’d probably insist he brings wine and dessert.

What @TarantinoIsAMisogynist said...

@WhingeyStingey have you paid for the show tickets too?

You are incompatible in a very important area. If this relationship progresses you will resent him more and more

I would have been done after the coffees to be honest. Fair enough if it's 50/50 but this isn't even that! And for him to feel comfortable enough to tell you he's tight shows that he is making sure you do not ever expect anything of him-he's started the training already.

You do not show up empty handed to someone's house if they are preparing a three-course meal for you, regardless of the relationship, and if he's putting such little effort in now when he is meant to be on his best behaviour then god only knows what he'll be like in say 5 year's time.

Or you could see him tonight and make sure he spends on you to equal it up before dumping- it’ll be a deciding factor or not for you going forward if he picks up on your hints that it’s his turn.
So when you get to the show you walk to the bar and you stay quiet, wait for him to ask you what you’re drinking, even if it gets weird just stay quiet. (In fact do not bring any cards/cash out) also your phone if you’ve wallet pay on it.

If he suggests the pub after, again you go to the bar and stay quiet or order and keep you hands on your glass not in your purse (as you won’t have any means to pay anyway).

I bet he’ll question it unlike you have as that type of person always will and when he does you say I’ve spent a lot already to date so this’ll even it up then you’ll know that’s the last date for you , or he could turn it all around and say oh yes I’ll get it all tonight as you’ve been too generous so far.
So tonight could make up your mind for you. Have fun watching him squirm blowing the cobwebs from his wallet.

I almost want you to go so he has to spend. Oh and when he shows up you blatantly say “empty handed again I see”.

Wait-did you actually buy all the ingredients and go round?! Why?

NB: why so many dinners at yours? Does he not want to go out - even assuming that you'd go dutch? Is sex on the menu as well?

You are being way too accommodating and need to rein in your people pleasing tendency!!

@DancingFerret his qualities... funny, intelligent, listens to me, curious about the world, decent morals, seems to be a good dad.

Unintentional drip feed as this was a separate issue but... he is still going through divorce and has only had one partner his whole life.

This will be the second one at mine.

I'd text and say you can't cook tonight (planned electricity cut?) and you're absolutely skint

Does he fancy going out for a meal and paying as you're really struggling money wise

I think his answer will tell you enough for you to end it

Or just end it

Do NOT cook or pay for anything for this freeloading twat again 🙄

Yuck 🤢 my brother is like this and this is why he is single at 51. He’s full of himself, selfish and is willing to leech off anyone.
Dump him. I have female friends like this too, gladly not meet up with them and actively avoid them.

"Being frugal is no bad thing in itself - the problem is if someone is frugal with their own money but extremely 'generous' with other people's."

@LongSinceGotUpAndGone I agree with you here. I can be very frugal, and utterly refuse to pay for snacks in a cinema for example, so will always take my own. But I would never expect someone else to pay for me-that's not being frugal, it's being exploitative.

Hmm. It's complicated. FIL was unspeakably mean and tight with money but was generous of spirit. MIL was as bad but mean of spirit. Whether his tightness made her mean of spirit I'm not sure but I suspect meanness of spirit is born with a person. They both grew up in poverty and I think knew no better. If one of them had been a bit more happy go lucky it would have made a huge difference to the other.

The rub, after nearly 50 years of marriage and three dc who remembered there never being quite enough food, and having to share a fucking cornet on their miserable holidays to Skeggy or Filey, was the million pounds in the bank when FIL dropped dead and that was nearly 20 years ago!

A lot depends on you @WhingeyStingey, if he's basically decent, will you have the spirit to take the piss a bit and set him straight and if you do, will he step up, chuckle and find the bottom of his pocket.

Unintentional drip feed as this was a separate issue but... he is still going through divorce and has only had one partner his whole life

Jesus! You DO pick 'em 🤣

Not bringing something to your house for a cooked meal is not just being tight it's poor manners, and I wouldn't be ok with that.
He is also quite happy to take it if offered, has no shame about telling you this, and will never reciprocate. To me, this is not just stingy it is a really self involved personality that is most likely not able to really love anyone but themselves.

That's like my late dad! Cheap holidays, shared bath water, no heating on in winter... he dies and has tons of money squirrelled away .

So, from what you have said, he hasn’t paid for a single thing yet? Not a drink, a bunch of carnations, a coffee…nothing? I expect his argument would be that he never spends money on going out but if you want to go out you can pay for it and he’s happy to tag along for the free ride. Naaah, it’s early dating days and he should be showing his best self. If this is his best self just think what his worst self looks like.

I am all for paying my own way. I think it’s important to be respected as an equal in a relationship, and if he wanted to split costs or take turns that would be the natural and fair thing to do, but he’s just letting you pay for everything all the time. I wouldn’t have a conversation. Conversations are for when it’s 6 months down the line and you don’t like the way he puts the lid back on the toothpaste. They’re not for trying to instill basic good manners at the beginning of a relationship. Throw this one back. There are better quality men out there.

Yeah your first mistake was dating a married man.

And to me, if he’s not divorced he’s married. “Going through a divorce” means he’s still in the process.

Ugh I genuinely do not understand tight people. The mentality matches a mean spirit imo. Dump. And let him know why.

Agree with this. But do not point out you got the last ones - he knows already!

Irrespective of his behaviour though end it.
It fatiguing and boring managing tightness in a partner

I also never buy snacks in standard cinemas but this was one of those fancy ones with sofas and cocktails. The drinks and snacks are decent quality. I just wanted one drink to take into the film.