Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

You can do better he has no idea how to treat a woman …BIN

I think this is worth a shot- him raising it can be a cue for you to ask him 'being frugal is good (well, i think so!) But how do you manage it so you're treating people fairly and not taking advantage?'

Cancel him for tonight (and forever) why would you spend your Saturday night pissed off when you don’t have to! I’d rather stare at 4 walls

I think this is who he is OP.

People who are tight don't change. He has no shame either.

I couldn't find him remotely attractive and therefore, wouldn't waste another moment with him.

The first 1 is absolutely fair. He asked you said no. And possibly the second 1. I think I could deal with. The 3rd is taking the piss.

I'd say can you please bring desert? Make it clear your expectations.

I agree. Zero effort, zero care, zero thought, zero desire to treat you to something nice. And this is him in the "trying to impress you" early stages...

A man who doesn't even bring a bottle to your house isn't worth it. It's more than just tight - it displays a lack of care.

The end of marriage with someone is either a miserable life or resentment that you pay for all the nice things.

I'd run a mile and I like sensible with money.

this is your chance. Text him now with either "bring x and y for dinner as your share" or "i bought the ingredients you owe me x pounds" and see what he says.

Who bought the tickets for the show? if you: add it to the x pounds you owe me for the show

When at the show: are you getting the drinks in? I'll have x. Or "I'm getting some wine" and then get it. Don't offer him a drink. If he asks say "that's a tenner"

And then after today you can decide.

I wouldn’t want to have to prompt someone…not attractive at all

Not only is he cheap, but he is SLY.

I dated a man exactly like this last year. Actually, I can't help wondering whether it's the same man because the similarities are uncanny! 😂

This ultimately was the very reason I decided to end things. I wish I had ended it sooner looking back. I eventually challenged it and he came up with a bullshit sob story about why he was that way, then proceeded to buy a new gaming PC for no reason the following day.

I would end things if I was you.

It will start to grate on you. End it before that happens.

Dump him today. Meanness is an unattractive trait in people and this man is tighter than a gnats arse.

If this individual is however the best example of men you have dated then I would seek therapy as to exactly why you are choosing men so poorly. It’s likely started in childhood somewhere and it needs to be addressed. What are your parents like?.

I like @Brefugee's plan.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

No - it shouldn't need to be spelled out. He should want to treat her well. Why would anyone stay with a man who cba to think about what he could do to make you smile?

The key is tho that spends money on his hobby. Mine would never offer to pay fir drinks etc etc but would buy classic cars/bikes/have loads of holidays etc…
When came out for days on my boat never offered to pay for petrol etc -would bring 2years and then proceed to drink about 20 from my store on the boat for guests.

I could never be with someone who was so thoughtless as to not bring something when you're gone to all of the trouble to make food and everything else. My partner and I do go halves a lot, will treat each other a lot. But he would never be stingy. In fact, if we were going to my parents for tea, he'd always offer to bring dessert or something. I couldn't ever imagine him acting like that. Sounds like you dip more into your pocket than him and he let's you. It should be taking turns at the very least. Stingy with money, stingy with love.

Tall and first name begins with R?!

A guy I was seeing once said to me when I mentioned it being my turn to pay "a gentleman never let's a lady pay".

The only time I paid anything was when we went to the cinema as it was during the fuel shortage, I couldn't get petrol and he could. So he picked me up(I lived 30 minutes away at the time so out of his way), paid the parking, paid for the drinks so I said I would get the tickets as it was only fair.

My first date with my husband was at his house. He cooked, and I turned up with deserts, sweets, snacks, and alcohol. It would have been odd to turn up empty-handed.

💯

The man I dated before him was skint yet never ever turned up empty handed. He would even bring me wild flowers he had picked if he couldn't afford any. Sadly, he was also an addict!

OP, I actually think for your own sake, you need to learn to be less giving and more clear about what you want.

You explicitly told him not to bring something to dinner when you wanted him to. You offered to pay when you wanted him to pay. It sounds like you are a big time pleaser and you are communicating poorly in ways many people will fail to please you, even if they want to.

Regardless of him, I'd suggest you try to work on this. Or even nice, decent men will end up having an unequal relationship with you, because they barely understand what you want (because you do and say the opposite) and you keep delivering what they want, even without them asking for it!

I'd give this guy a chance, because you can practice on him. Send him a message now and say 'please can you bring dessert and wine for dinner'. If he does, good. If not, dump him. If you go out for a drink say 'your turn'. If you want a coffee say 'I'd like a coffee'. If he doesn't offer then yes, buy yourself one. If he questions it, say 'I've bought the last three drinks and don't want to be funding the two of us' See what happens.

But more important than what you do with this guy, is learning to say what you want, full stop!

I've never met anyone who was just tight financially, meanness permeates most aspects of their lives. It's a huge red flag for me.