Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

The saying mean with money, mean with love applies to him.

If this man though is truly a step up from the previous ones you have dated, what on earth have the others been like?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Love your own self for a change and consider reading Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Meanness is a very very unattractive trait. Run for the e hills

Run run run. Flee to the hills.

Bleughhh... I cannot stand stingy people. In this case he is not only stingy but clearly lacks any awareness. Red flag.

I guess 3.89 on a coffee that is gone in 5 min and nothing to show for it - compared to some kit that lasts has some logic. BUT it’s about paying to be in that space, to be sociable, to be generous and show care for the person you are with. Perhaps he can learn but do you want to train him? More women’s work…

I probably do need therapy. My father was stingy too and never made me feel cherished.

No, the first was not fair. He asked if she needed to bring anything for the meal, and the OP said no.

But if someone (particularly someone you're trying to impress and have romantic feelings towards) is cooking you a nice meal, then you don't bring flowers/chocolates because they need them. You bring them because you want to give them a treat. Because you want to recognise the effort they've gone to. Because you want to see a smile on their face and for them to know that you appreciate the meal.

He didn't need to bring dessert/wine, but he damn well should have brought something.

And I would argue that he'd have spent a at least a few pounds on an evening meal for himself if you hadn't cooked so he could have brought "something" even if a block of Brie and some oat cakes for example. Thought there at least.

It absolutely did dry me up!

Being frugal is no bad thing in itself - the problem is if someone is frugal with their own money but extremely 'generous' with other people's.

I think £3.89 is an outrageous rip-off for a coffee, but for that reason I wouldn't accept one from someone else - I just don't want to perpetuate the 'coffee racket' in any way. Nothing wrong with a thermos flask of your own coffee if you're really so desperate to drink it when you're out and about.

💯 this!

My sister’s ex bf was a bit like this. He would only eat out at restaurants where you could download a voucher! He would never get a round in when out with my family.
It depends how much you like him OP? If he’s got lots of good qualities I would mention this to him first but I agree it doesn’t bode particularly well.

Your own father was tight and you’ve gone onto date men just like him, men who have not made you feel cherished either. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons. These absolutely need to be unlearnt,

Do not embark on any further romantic relationships till you’ve had some therapy to address this issue. Have a look at the BACP website and find a therapist you can work with.

I see your point. Re the dinner at mine, I'd already got all the ingredients when I did the weekly shop so I genuinely didn't need him to bring anything. However. I would never have turned up empty-handed in that situation. I would have brought wine or flowers or chocolates.

Yeah, this kind of grasping freeloader behaviour would have made me run for the hills ages ago...

It's a "look after number one", "I'm alright Jack" kind of mentality. This isn't someone who cares about fairness and pulling his weight. In fact, he will make every effort to ensure that he puts the least amount in but takes the most amount out. Every interaction - including his dates with you - is seen as an opportunity to sneakily profit.

OP - I second the recommendation to maybe consider therapy. This man shouldn't have made it this far with you.

I say give him one last chance. See what he turns up with - if nothing send him out again ‘oh you forgot to get wine - the shop is a xxx’

then dump him.

Or maybe he has caught a clue …..

My H is the opposite one of his many qualities he thinks of money just as something to enable him to do stuff with the people he wants not some big keep score power play.

Tell him the truth that you find him stingy and it off putting. See what he says.

List all this stuff .

He'll probably end it there and then but who cares really. But he might not when it's pointed out how stingy and unattractive he is he might buck up his ideas.

He’s awful. Please get rid

I agree.
Tight people - yuck !

Text him to bring a bottle of something nice for dinner... See what he brings and if he asks for half the money....

Don't jump in to rescue him.

Don't rush up to the bar. Leave it hanging even if you don't like it. Just stand there and don't offer.

You are rescuing him by over offering too fast.

As it’s tonight and you are seeing a show might as well go ahead. But don’t pay for another thing. See if he steps up. As a social experiment if nothing else! If you want a drink say ‘I got the last ones’. See what happens. And tomorrow you will have your answer.

I know some people like this. They are first out the taxi, and last at the bar.

You get burned a few times and then you need to wise up. He’s what’s known on MN as a CF, a cheeky f*cker.

We have a few in our family. One set cried absolute poverty for years, then bought a villa, cash, in the med. Others openly let others pay for meals. One person goes the toilet every time we ask for the bill.

My DH used to be tight, but he’s now one of the most generous in the room as I guide him. With others, I’m onto them, and I don’t let them take advantage. I’ve even heard people say, “ if I can get them to pay, more fool them”.

See how it goes. I’d stop paying for things, and see if he steps up.

Who is paying for tonight's show?

If you've already paid for both, ask him to reimburse you. If it's not already paid for, sit/stand tight. If he hesitates, tell him "it's your turn!".

However, if it were me, I'd dump him - and tell him exactly why.

Haha oh god! Chalk and cheese! There’s a happy medium somewhere.

I’d not cancel so late but ask him to bring wine and dessert and see how he reacts. Still, I think it would be game over for me really.

My DP left his phone and wallet in the first bar we went to on our first date, and only realised at the end of our meal - so I had to pay for it. The look of absolute horror on his face when he realised was priceless. He was so worried I’d think he’d done it on purpose and expected the date to be over. In reality he’d travelled 70 miles for the date, arriving on time even though his car had broken that morning and he’d had to take two buses and a train. He’s exactly as he was then: kind, considerate, and totally scatty. First impressions are very telling! Go with your gut!

All those saying he can change.... yes, maybe he can change for now if he thinks it's worth his while. But what's he going to do further down the line if they have children? When the OP is on mat leave on a reduced income? When one of them maybe needs to go part-time for childcare? When he won't marry her 'to protect his assets', despite knowing she is financially vulnerable because she had his kids?

How many women end up posting on MN about this stuff when it's too late? The red flags are all there right now.