Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

Yeah those ones are always the tightest

Awful that you laid on dinner for him and he didn't insist on buying the drinks afterwards to treat you. Tight as old arseholes.

Trust me, dump him

"decent income" have you seen the evidence, I doubt it!!

Even if he is on whatever a "decent income" is to you - you are NOT aware of his outgoings and that is a fact you should never ignore!!

I've heard about and we have come across a bloke, a BF, ex BF of my of my siblings kids - the bloke could talk sweet. He drove a nice, sporty merc, almost new when I say it - lived in a nice apartment - had gym membership and claimed went on holds 3/4 times a year which he may have

A few months into the relationship - he asked for money as "tied up in a business." - it was all bS - he did not own a building co he worked for someone, he was living hand to mouth and most of his money wnt of 2 kids he had with different women

So, be careful but also, good luck as this guy may be different

Would turn me off for sure as it usually gets worse and nothing is fun if someone is always too tight to spend when can afford. It holds you back with what you want to experience and do if you’re not on the same wave length regarding money and it’ll be miserable over the years . There’s a time to be careful and that’s fine but if you’re letting someone else pick up your tab all the time to keep your own pennies then that’s just mean. If cannot afford or doesn’t earn much then you don’t do those things and let someone else pay for you. Why is his money more important to keep hold of than yours?

Would dry me up big time.

And that's what people like him count on. Probably just dump.

I wouldn’t even bother talking to him about it, very unattractive and he won’t get any better. Not at all the same as having a low income. He is just an ungenerous person.

I dated someone like this. Invited me to his place for dinner so I text him during the day asking what I should bring... he basically listed the ingredients for the dinner, added "whatever you want to drink" and also put "and anything you want for breakfast". Said he was ok for breakfast as he would have porridge and he had some!!

Massively off putting actually, gave me the ick and we didn't date for much longer after that.

I’d be put off by someone who doesn’t seem to value fairness or basic decency. I value kindness and consideration in a partner, and I’d be concerned this was an indication of his lack of those qualities. The little things are the big things…

He’s a freeloader, throw him back!

Who turns up to someone’s house empty handed when they’re cooking for them!

Bin him off

Yes, the most generous person O know is someone on the lowest income.
Meanwhile another friend will accept drink from people, never buy and if in a situation where people are buying their own drinks in a pub, will get a soda water as the pubs serves that free…
A person like that will be stingy in other ways.

Mean with money, mean with love

I know! We were cooking the meal together but still. Not even a bottle of wine.

Totally agree!

He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Ugh! Your instincts are spot on with this one, I’m afraid….

Ugh, no definitely finish this. I wouldn’t give him a heads up to see if he changes, it’s only 2 months in when he should be on best behaviour and he has shown you who he is.

He might be able to change/pretend for a while but his underlying attitude is “why shouldn’t I get free stuff at the expense of OP?” And I don’t think that will change.

I also think in a freeloader type, it’s often a theme that runs through other parts of life - you can do more of the housework, op, he doesn’t really want it done. You can arrange and book outings, op, he’s not that bothered. Mental load? What’s that…? etc etc.

Don’t dump him, but tell him! Don’t discuss it in a serious way but say ‘come on, your round!’ or say ‘oh my god, I knew you said you were tight, but this is something else!’ He might not realise. My DH can be tight and I have to tell him things like….

Take your Auntie nice flowers, spend thirty quid or so, because she was good to you when XYZ happened.

Get the first round in, because you earn loads compared to the others.

When Sarah offers you £20 for that pushchair we’re selling on market place, don’t accept it.

My DH’s parents are tight and he hates it, I’ve made him more generous. In fairness when dating he often paid, but he does miss social cues and is naturally frugal. I can’t complain though because is frugality has afforded us a nice life, but he does wince now again at spending £3.89 on a coffee. It’s a running joke, so I wouldn’t dismiss this guy immediately, although I admit it’s a turn off. You never know though, you may be relieved when he produces a 80k deposit to put on your first house together. Definitely bring it up.

It won't get better. And you will be annoyed with yourself for adding it all up in your head.

(Been there).

Oh- and i did not, but I would recommend telling him. He may have no clue about how it comes across. It might be the making of him and help any potential future partners.

I'd still dump and run though.

so you either get used to just buying your own drinks and leaving him to choose what he does, ditch him or stay and get used to it.

If you stick with him you need to learn how to handle it. Going to the cinema? he pays for his ticket you "pay" for yours (even if it's free). Parking is 10 quid "you owe me a fiver for the parking" you decide to cook at yours? Decide what you're having then either tell him to bring x and y, or tell him - in advance - that his share is 20 quid, or whatever.

Once you start doing this you will see if he is worth hanging on to - because either he'll accept it as fair or he'll ditch you for not being a meal-ticket.

So there’s something I need to tell you- even with my girlfriends if they come to dinner they bring some wine or something to contribute. If I buy a drink when out I know they’ll buy the next round. I don’t know that about you- I know you are happy to spend a lot of money on your hobbies but I do feel you will take whatever you can get out of a relationship and step back when it’s your turn to pay. That kind of stingy with everyone but yourself is not partner material and frankly gives me the ick. I don’t think we are going to work out.

you may as well do the right thing and tell him!!

Thank you for responding. I really wondered if I was being unreasonable. I haven't had much dating experience. Thing is, he has some great qualities and is certainly a step-up from previous men I have dated.

So.... I'm
Meant to see him tonight. Dinner at mjne again then out to a show. I'm torn. Do I let him come over one last time or end it now? I just KNOW I'll be so irritated and icked-off if he turns up empty-handed again!!

That would put me off. I'm 'tight' in that I don't agree with buying things that are bad value, and cinemas round us are over a tenner for a small drink and popcorn which i think is ridiculous. But those values apply to everything i.e. I wouldn't buy it for myself but I wouldn't ever accept it from anyone else, because it's the value that irks me, not who pays for it. I think it's really rude to say its not worth it for him to splash out but he is happy to be treated. I also think it's rude to not turn up to someone's house with anything (I even send the kids on playdates with a little something) and agree if i was him, I'd be embarrassed that you hosted and then got the drinks, I'd insist on paying

He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

That would have made my fanny seal right up. Yuk, yuk and yuk again!! Dump that tight arse!

A very very rich friend of ours is very tight. He’d never buy a round, or ice creams if out, would want to eat in a cheaper place…. I’d watch his girlfriend double up on her rounds or whatever to make up.

His current partner nudges him ‘Gerald it’s your round’, ‘Gerald, I’ll have a red wine, large’. He still doesn’t offer to buy first round, ever, but she doesn’t let him get away with skipping rounds or waiting till last round that’ll probably be cheaper.

oddly he’s very generous in other ways, go round to dinner and he’s a fabulous affable host.

anyway in short, go to the pub, say mines a dubonnet and lemonade and sit down and see what happ.