Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

She dumped him, people!

(and cancelled the cheque)

Dump him, once a freeloader always a freeloader, unless of course you can guarantee to outlive him, that you're his main beneficiary and that he doesn't leave his money to the Battersea dogs home. That's the long game ☺️

Hoorah 👏👏👏🥳🥳🥳😀😃😀

Thanks again for all the responses. I've read them all. Old Tightarse is still dumped and will stay that way. Those of you who have pointed out that stinginess tends to be seen in other areas of life are spot on; I keep recalling other examples of his lack of effort! More evidence of stinge:

• he tried to get me to prepare the packed lunches for the three hour hike he had proposed for a "date." This is after I had planned multiple dates and laid on food at my house. This date never occurred as I ended things before I had to endure him again. He declared that the packed lunch should not be "a shit one." He knew I had a full on weekend preparing for the arrival of an elderly relative coming to stay. He also knew that I had purchased all the food for the meal we were to share at my house after the walk. And I had planned the evening entertainment. The final straw for me dumping him was that, the night before said hike, he still had not bothered to confirm when or where we were meeting (he was off doing his expensive hobby) so I had no idea by what time I had to have repaired his luxury lunch.

• he had chosen not to buy himself many non-work clothes (joked it was because he was too tight) so would turn up to nearly every date in the same outfit (jeans and trainers) irrespective of where we were going, including the theatre and nicer restaurants. Also, his jacket smelt really musty so I did wonder if he was saving on doing laundry... or didn't know how to work a washing machine!

• he was low-effort in planning dates in general. For the second date, he was clearly trying to get me to do the planning (which I was reluctant to do as he had been very low-contact after the first date) so I countered with a suggestion that we each come up with some ideas and pick the best one. He responded with "I guess I'll go and do some more work then and get back to you." Of course he pounced on the first idea I came up with so planned nothing. All his date suggestion were hikes. I wonder why?!

We only ever went on about 7 dates over the two months due to school holidays and child-care commitments. Looking back at what I've written I know I should have ended it way sooner. He was quite engaging in person and we did get on well in many ways, which is why I let things carry on.

I now view this experience as me having paid for some valuable lessons. He paid for half a pint and contributed left over curry. I paid for a hell of lot more in money and effort. Lessons learned!

Good for you OP! I hope we all learned to spot the red flags from your experience. And I hope you go on to meet a good man who is genereous with his heart as well as with the rest because you seem to be that kind of person and you merit likewise❣️

I would detest the meanest behaviour. Some people are givers some are takers. You may well be able to help him loosen the purse strings over time, but the underlying behaviour will always be there. Givers end up being taken advantage off when friends with takers. Drop him and move on

Thank you. What a lovely message .

Glad you can see him for what he is now @WhingeyStingey, it’s hard when you naturally try to see the best in people. You deserve someone far nicer.

Trust your gut. Red flag

Talk to him about it. If he can't see his behiour is unacceptable dump him. It's OK if he wants to live a frugal miserable existence but you have to decide if you want to.

He was quite engaging in person and we did get on well in many ways, which is why I let things carry on.

You and many others before you, I'm guessing... He clearly uses his engaging personality as a means of getting away with shit more average blokes couldn't.

Oh dear. He's tight fisted. And inconsiderate. This will continue to rankle with you and could overtake any positive feelings you have for him. Confront him if you want the relationship to continue.m but I fear he won't/can't change. His meanness will dominate your life.

Honestly OP it would be a red flag for me.I’d cut him loose and get therapy to help you work through things.

Years ago when i was with my XH i had had an operation on my hand and my arm was strapped up. When I got home from hospital the day after the op he asked me if he should get a takeaway for dinner. He came back with a meal for himself and nothing for me. We’d been together for thirteen years but by that time it was sadly reflective of his attitude to our relationship.

That is so incredibly inconsiderate! I'm sorry that happened to you and glad he's an ex. Hope you're happier now.

Please take the trouble to read threads before commenting.

So she didn’t read the whole thread. 24 pages. So what?

That IS old thinkin - the traditional out dated approach from LAST century.
Which is NOT the world we live in NOW.
The original poster EVEN says
> For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants.

@Stephenra totally agree with you. Interestingly, he is a teacher as well! Well, in senior management. He mentioned that his wife accused him of being unhelpful and that his relationship with his children has improved since the split....possibly because he didn't spend much time with them before.

Also, thank you for teaching me the excellent word "cheeseparing."

no need to read all responses. However, it is common courtesy to check all the OP’s posts before weighing in.

"So what?"

It makes her comment pointless and shows a lack of comprehension - in company with the others who posted along the same lines.

If people cba or don't have time to read the whole thread, it's easy to just read all the OP's comments to keep up to speed.

Gosh I sympathise with you and feel like I could of written this very post! I’ve had a very similar experience to you and ended things in March after a year and 2 months with my very own Mr Stingy who then showed his true colours and was quite rude to me (bitter bcus I ended it albeit very politely and saying it’s not you it’s me and I don’t want a relationship with anyone kind of thing/ things have fizzled out for me) like you, I wanted to say I feel this has all been rather one sided as he is someone who earns £80k plus and has treated me 2/3 times to pub grub meals. I always offered to pay half when we were out as I don’t expect him to pay but he always let me pay half! And he has a £25 a day subsidy he can claim back from work as he works away 2/3 days a week. And the times I offered to pay and he let me he would then ask for the receipt so he could still claim back his £25 at my expense 😱at this point I realised it wasn’t me and he was stingy AF and there wouldn’t be any point progressing a relationship or potentially live with someone like this. Sad because he was a kind guy and I don’t have a bad word to say about him BUT the super stinge was awful. More so when he knows Im working as a fixed term contractor on £17 per hour with my own bills to pay.

I dumped someone after a couple of months of this. The one thing he paid for during that was his (not my) cinema ticket. Seriously unattractive to be this tight.

Yeh not nice. My friend is quite tight. It def puts me off meetups. It hasnt been one offs either. I know people say ah its just coffees but adds up) now i just have loose change at till ready!!

At this early point in your relationship, he ought to be trying to impress you, not take advantage of your kindness.

break up with him and do tell him why. He should know it is common courtesy that when you go to someone’s home you don’t go empty handed. It is not just about items for the meal, but a host/hostess gift. He should have brought you flowers, at a minimum.

if he knows this but doesn’t go this because he is cheap, that is even worse

@AlexiaH he sounds next-level tight. Well done on ending it. Why did you decide to keep the real reason you dumped him from him?