Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

Any why, exactly, the need to understand where he's coming from? is that just another version of 'woman, be kind'?

Sounds like a match made in frugal heaven.

This man spends lots of money on himself on nice food, hobbies, travel etc. He was still happy to let me be out of pocket repeatedly. He was also thoughtless in little ways right from the start e.g not calling when he said he would, leaving me hanging re arrangements until the last minute. He claims to be upset I have ended it!

Have you told him it’s because he’s tighter than a gnat’s chuff? These people sometimes need to be told bluntly.

@SpouseMouse no I have not told him. I can't be bothered. If he asks, I'll tell him.

I truly see why it’s not worth saying anything voluntarily. Objectively speaking though (so much easier, I appreciate) it’s like you’d be doing the relationship gods a favour by laying down what an enormous turn off this man is, and that whilst his race is run with you, he has time to remedy this with some introspection. Whether he chooses to take this on board would then be his call. But we all know it will be you that’s been the unreasonable problem 😏

well done for calling it a day before too long. Onwards

Well done for dumping. I'd actually love to have a coffee with his ex wife. I bet she has some shockers to share about him!

I reckon if OP tells him he'll be generous the first few dates in future then revert to type once he's got the next woman hooked in.

This is me, when inviting friends to events I usually end up at the counter/bar first and find myself paying for them each time - do what I am planning to and make sure you are standing BEHIND him/them so they either offer to reciprocate or you don’t feel you have to pay for them out of politeness/ embarrassment.

I do know how you feel! X

Oh me too!! She refuses to communicate with him other than via email which says a lot.

Totally. I don't want to let him disguise his free-loading ways to dupe another woman.

This!
I did not give my ex feedback (not that asked for it 😂) because it’s not up to me to make his life easier or give him the tools to dupe another woman

@Bewareofthisonetoo also, I don't think he would take the feedback well. He mentioned some criticisms that his wife had of him and totally dismissed them. He then mentioned some feedback he got from the woman he dated before me and was scathing of that. She dumped him pretty quickly. So I doubt there would be any point in giving him a piece of my mind. Better to let him loose showing his true colours.

His ex only communicates with him via email…. Yes that’s a huge red flag!!
A friend of mine has blocked her ex on all platforms and email is only open because of the need for child arrangements. She even has someone else monitor that email address for her and has a new private one for herself!! The other person only passes on and responds to anything relating to the DC child arrangements. Great idea for DA sufferers/survivors!

Dump him. There's nothing worse than a tight person. It's an unattractive trait. Some men move from one online woman to another letting them pay for everything. Women are too nice and kind! Men like him depends on that.

Yep, I don't think a guy in his late 40s has a lot of potential for change unless, maybe, he actively chooses to get therapy!

Never mind a partner, I look askance of a friend turns up for a dinner/BBQ etc empty-handed. It just wouldn't occur to me not to bring something.

I'm a member of a couple of art galleries and can take a friend in for 'free' with my card. People tend to treat me to a coffee and cake or whatever afterwards as a thank-you. I always do the same in the reverse scenario too.

I rarely get lifts etc from friends as we all tend to walk or use public transport, but in a car scenario I always offer petrol money.

He's tight.

Hate it too. My friend was buying lunch "my treat" she kind of stalled at till. I vowed would never get stung like that again. Same thing after xmas different handbag.. honestly op puts you off meeting them.

I worked with a man at a large computer firm who spent his day avoiding graft, avoiding paying for anything and using company resources to check his bank, pay, pension, get special offers & free stuff.
He free-loaded 24x7, including lifts to work, coffee etc, and would scrounge food from you and eat leftovers from meetings etc
Staff collections were embarrassing as he would plead poverty or promise to put in 'later' and then work from home or another office until it was over.
He knew the price of everything & the value if nothing and knew his finances to the penny - he bragged about chasing his tax, his pay and his mortgage on a regular basis to try to recoup 'pence'.
He referred to his child as "the kid" and her cost to him was recounted on a daily basis as if she was a parasite.
You're well rid, move on and find someone that doesn't monetise love or affection.

I'm impressed.

I only follow up on a few threads.

But it's usually someone complaining and then making every weak excuse under the sun about why they have to put up with such low standards.

This OP is sassy, wise and I'm not surprised getting attention.

And PS, Glad she dumped him.

But I did like the post she replied to, about OP saying one thing and expecting another. He texts shall I bring anything. She texts no, but still expects flowers.

Hopefully the hundreds she spends on therapy will finally get her to understand: Expect more. Have Standards. Know and communicate what you want.

There are always opportunities to be thoughtful and considerate. For both parties. But everyone has to bring throught and effort and interest into a relationship.

Don’t give him relationship advice OP, when he’s been such a jerk. You don’t owe him an explanation at all! He doesn’t deserve one. And as I said earlier in the thread he’ll use your explanation to just hide it better with the next woman! He won’t “change” because he’s most likely been a selfish and tight fisted man his whole life .

OMG I had one of them! 😱

In your case it wasnt a question about him taking advantage of you, it was just down to him being frugal. The OPs date loved to splurge on himself but not on anyone else. He did love for others to splurge on him though. This is really telling about a persons values or should I say lack thereof.
OP, congratulations for getting rid of this a-hole before he made you pay for a truck to move all your kitchen appliances into his place! Good luck to you, you sound like a lovely person who just needs to know your own value a little bit better💪🫶

Only the most repellent of men sharing children with an ex, .... will only communicate by email.
It is the hallmark of an abusive, possibly violent, toxic relationship.
It really should be a huge red flag for any woman.

@Snappers3 yes I feel I should have given that more consideration than I did. Definitely a 🚩