Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

Kick to the kerb. It will only get worse. And more importantly its already bothered you enough for you to question the behaviour. You are going to start resenting how tight he is. You do not have a equal relationship.

You will have learnt from this.
I must be a bit hyper about it, because even the slightest hint of it as a young woman was an instant deal breaker, no second chances ever given.
It goes to the core of someone IMO
Careful is fine.
Sensible is fine too.
Meanness means you are focus on getting one over on others....toxic.

Careful is fine.
Sensible is fine too.
Meanness means you are focus on getting one over on others....toxic

I agree reasonably careful is OK, especially if not well-off. And you are also right, he clearly enjoyed “getting one over” on OP by getting her to buy him a coffee 🙄. What a stupid comment he made about getting free coffees from people, probably thinks he’s v clever.

Liked your humour OP about the IKEA pan earlier! You sound lovely and deserve so much better, whether with a decent man or happily single.

Of course he's upset you've ended it 🙄. He has to pay for his own stuff now until he finds another mug.

There needs to be a website called Avoid This Man At All Costs. He does this and doesn't do this. Same for women before anyone goes mad.

@BirthdayRainbow Ive heard there is a fb page Are We Dating the Same Guy. Stingy bastards may well be a feature on there

1. he told you he was tight
2. he let I pay 1st date (coffee)
3. you bought and cooked food at home and he brought literally zilch to the table.
4. he let you pay in the pub afterwards
5. next date you paid for cinema ticket (voucher), parking, and the drink.

Jeez OP. I am very anti-blocking (so childish) but I’d actually block this jerk he sounds awful.

On too if that he was pretty rubbish in bed (surprise!)

For the future:

My suggestion: don’t sleep with a man till you know him and observed red flags 🚩 - they will tell you who they are if you listen closely and you are patient - and also maybe think twice about cooking for them in your home. Don’t settle.

Of course you know all this now! You won’t make this mistake again. So onwards and upwards 🌟

ps. You sound very kind OP, and God knows we need kind people in the world, but don’t let people take advantage of that.

JUST remember.
Money is NOT love.
May love money but money is NOT love

I would like to know what a woman's fair share is tbh

I have FOR years played the equality card but frankly, no more. I want equitability. You cannot quantify the emotional labour and bullshit that many women go through. I won't take the piss as both men and women bring different value to a relationship but I will certainly not be entertaining any idiot who chants 50/50. We cannot get equality unless we address the equitability issues that still exist

It is never 50/50. It's not just 1 coffee me 1 coffee you

Well my stingy ex who really took the piss then ghosted me, popped up yesterday on WhatsApp to ask if he can use my boat to take out a visiting relative!!!!!
He has offered up clean it , buy petrol etc etc but cheeky ask and far too little and far too late!! I am not even going to bother to reply.

@datcherygrateful I have thought that myself, even though its hard to put into words.

I find this sort of thing inadvertantly funny. I am constantly amazed at how completely oblivious to their own shittiness so many people are. Nice work on ignoring him!

@datcherygrateful but in the beginning, that women's load thing isn't really a feature? or shouldn't be I guess.

Having said that, we all still laugh about the fact that I wasn't entirely certain about Dh when he invited me out. But I was so dazzled by the fact that he called within 2 days of getting my number, with a two specific days in mind and 2 options for what to do on either of those days, and then organised it all, that I agreed to go out with him. After a string of men with the vague, "we should go out some time" and who then expected me to organise it. So maybe the mental load DOES start ridiculously early!

Yes it made me laugh out loud -luckily I am over him and this type of behavioural just makes me pleased to have dodged a bullet.

???

They obviously ended on good terms, Y else would he consider it appropriate 2 even ask?
We do NOT know the full details of the request.
Was this even a serious request? It could have been a cheeky way of remainin in contact - just blaggin a story about wantin 2 borrow the boat, so he could call and possibly visit again. There IS more 2 this than, just borrow a boat

They obviously ended on good terms, Y else would he consider it appropriate 2 even ask?

Um, the poster says he was stingy and GHOSTED her on break up, so no, they did not end on good terms. So of course it's not appropriate to ask.

Money, sex and division of labour are the three main flash points of relationships. If you have any doubts about any of these especially early on, end it. You did the right thing.

Thanks -yes is just another cheeky request from him - if he had wanted to get back with me he could have offered to take me somewhere -just wanted the boat for him and his relly!

@datcherygrateful

Mr 50/50

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5088683-partner-is-tired-because-i-do-night-shifts-make-it-make-sense?page=1

Is this for real? ended on good terms? cheeky way of trying to stay in contact? Where are you getting all this from?

If U disagree with my comment U should
> go 2 Specsavers & reread

It IS all there IN the question asked, and information given

What part of "my stingy ex who really took the piss then ghosted me" did you not understand?

(Also, replacing "you" and "to" with "U" and "2" is very 2003... who does that these days? It makes a person sound very odd. 😂)

@PepsiMaxPerfect even the person I was originally responded to has thanked me (on this thread) for responding to you to point out that she had been ghosted! I think you're getting confused between posters!

That IS just attention seeking.
The real issue HERE is that the original poster FEELS put out.
She IS no longer number 1 priority - and wants people 2 B aware of this.

what on earth are you talking about? @Bewareofthisonetoo had a stingy ex who ghosted her then wanted a favour. i thought it was funny how stingy people can be so clueless. But now I'm totally confused about what you're trying to say or who you think is attention seeking or who thinks they're number 1 priority and wants everyone to be aware of this. So I'll just move on now as I haven't got a clue what's going on any more!