In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

have only just read the update CGM ((((hugs))))....he is a total bastard for doing this to you, she is no better but it wasnt her that promised for better or worse was it????

it is going to be so raw for you,but believe me it will stop hurting a little less as the days go by.
He doesnt deserve you and your beautiful children. try to keep strong for you own sanity...dont let him grind you down x

I actaully can believe what is happening in my life....

Went to pick dd up from nursery and got text from h saying he has spoken to his mum and she thinks I will stop her seeing the children, so to try and help her as she has gone through much depression in her life I thought id pop round on way home to say that I would never prevent her from seeing the children.

While there, on the doorstep as she was looking after her other granddaughter who has the pox, she told me that she has agreed to let Yanshu (OW) stay with them, (FIL and MIL) while she is in the UK.(no idea if baby is coming or not)

Its like I'm no longer needed, h has moved onto new woman and I'm out. I told her that felt like not only was she putting the knife in but twisting and she mumbled that she always looked after her other sons girlfriends when they came to stay so she would look after h's!!!!!!!

I am not nuts am I? every step I take forward Im thwarted by mad ideas. It appears to me that my MIL and FIL are aiding their son in leaving me???

I have told everyone who will listen what a shit he is today, still cant get images of him shagging whore out of brain but im sure with time I WILL heal and i will be the better person.

My mum is distraught that this is happening and is soo angry that he couldnt keep it in his trousers! so am I! lying, f*ing miserable sodding chinese woman, she has really played the sob story with my h and she is welcome to him! My mum was murmuring about hiring Fiona Shackleton to get him in divorce courts!!!! dont think we could quite afford her!!!!!

Have certainly looked up adultery with regards to divorce...... eught it makes me feel sick to think of him.

CGM xx ps feeling much more positive now!

No! You certainly are not nuts!

I am totally at his parents attitude. You deserve so much better than this.

I am glad you are feeling more positive, thats the way to be. The Git! He does not deserve your tears or for you to make yourself ill over. Time to fight back!!

Thinking of you xx

Dear CGM You have absolutely every right to feel the way you do. When H's mother said that she has always accommodated H's brother's girlfriend's in the past, surely this means, single brother's, not married with girlfriends but your case is not like that. This time last week or so, you were a 2.2 family so to speak. Why do you think she has done that to you? She wants to see her grandchildren yet she acts disloyal to you. Why doesn't she just stay impartial! Have you always got on with her okay? Also, for you to go and see her after nursery, that's nice. I feel for you, you are hurting already and now this. Does she understand what is going on and she is not a 'business' colleague given accommodation on a 'business' trip by a 'business' colleague's mother or does your mother-in-law already know the full story? Well, as much as he has told her, I mean!

Good god, CGM - I can't believe his mother said that!! How extraordinary! There is nothing wrong with you - your h seems to come from a family of weirdy tossers!!!!!

Let him have his Chinese girl and let him find out just how much it is going to cost him.

Be strong, girl - you can get through this.

OMG, how dare they!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would have grabbed my kids and left then and there. You did get the lawyer's details from me, didn't you? Get on the phone now and sort him out.

That bloody woman has to be mad: staying at your PIL's house. Disgraceful, TBH. Wouldn't want anything to do with them. Depression, my a*se, I'd make her depressed...

Surely as any decent human being you'd look after the injured party first, wouldn't you? So no, putting up girlfriends has stopped when he married you. The cheek!!

Throw his stuff out and get your docs together for a lawyer. This is ridiculous, to add humiliation to injury. I'm sorry, but it's not on.

You can borrow my Beretta if you like... [mumbles only half-joking]

You sound a bit stronger now CGM. Im pleased to hear it. Stuff the inlaws. Dont make an effort to see them again if thats their attitude. Let them see the dc at your convenience.

FUCK THEM ALL. get your house in order, ie sort your position out, lawyers etc, keep your own counsel, apart from on mn, in rl I mean, and stand tall head up, what a tosser, his mother wants a slap, the silly old cow, but people do have short memories if its something they dont want to deal with.

Are you ok financially, this is a major issue at this point, once she is here life will only get harder, so you have to be prepared, totally, thats emotionally financially, you have to remain in control.

Jesus I am fuming for you where do these idiots live!! must be all inbreed to think this is normal behaviour.

You start to stand tall now, show him no mercy, treat this with no emotion, make sure they know you mean business, do your grieving behind closed doors, I wish we were all sat in a room now so we could build you up, and make you feel like the strong one, because really they are all pathetic weak idiots.

Get him out of your life, the tosser.

Ffs I am livid.GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I would seriously reconsider pil seeing dc if this tart is going to be staying there.

I can't believe they have agreed for her to stay there. Do you think they were aware of her before now??

I think you need to tell them that, if they allow the tart to stay there, you couldn't possibly visit with the dc!

They need to see how angry you are with them.

I can't imagine being where you are now but try hard to rise above all of this and use your anger to sort your life out. Listen to the others that have posted and take the first step with the divorce. That will put you in the driving seat and show your h that you will NOT be letting him walk all over you!!

Take Care xx

CGM I really feel for you as I am in a similar situation which I have discussed on another thread.

You must feel incredibly hurt and frustrated - like you, I do know that in 6 months time I will feel a lot stronger but that doesn't help right now.

Don't be hard on yourself for screaming and shouting - I know that it is not the best thing to do and we should be calm and controlled and let him come back in his own time but it is easier said than done - I have just been crying and demanding answers even though I keep telling myself to appear strong and in control. Frankly, when I do this he seems to think his behavior is acceptable and all is forgiven as he pops off to his new single lifestyle.

Big hugs and remember there are other people going through this and you are not alone x

I don't have any advice to give, but wanted to say I feel for you and you aren't alone. Just take it day by day, thats the only way I am getting through atm.

Hello CowsGoMoo,

I just thought I would add another message of support. I think you are coping amazingly well and keeping your head held high and being far and away the most mature person in this situation, which says so much about how much of stronger person you are becoming because of this.
It's very early days, but as a lot of the other MNers are saying, things will get better over time, at least now you know the full story you can make decisions about your future, rather than living in limbo land.
Be kind to yourself, you will probably feeling the same kind of grief as if somebody close to you had passed away but you also have the feelings of betrayal on top of that. Your children will see you through and give you a reason to carry on, but please don't think that at 33 you haven't achieved anything, running a home and looking after your children is the hardest and most valuable job in the world. I am 33 too and have a 'career', but it's really not what it's cracked up to be and I am RUBBISH at running a home.
In time you will see that you still have so much going for you, a new life ahead of you and freedom to make decisions about how you would like your life to be that may not have been available to you before.
Also, I am wondering how old slippery knickers would feel if she knew that your husband had sex with you when he came home from China? - that would take the wind out of her saggy sails wouldn't it? and he's supposed to be in love with this woman? Well obviously not in love enough to be faithful to her. I think this is a reflection on the kind of man he is.
You'll see CGM, at the moment it's all hearts and flowers between the 2 of them, but give it a few months, when they're having to share a bathroom with his parents and he's having to get up early to look after an 8 month old - no cosy lie ins for them then! Or she is missing her DC if it's still in China, that'll put a bit of strain on their relationship.
I hope you're not still washing his pants - dump them on his mother's door step to deal with - then she'll know what being depressed is really like!
Just a final thought - does said slapper have a Facebook, Myspace or Bebo page? It's just that maybe there will be a photo of her and you can see that she really isn't all that. (Raspberry puts down the binoculars and slowly backs out of the bushes in her camoflarge 'stalker' jacket!), although I don't think you should waste anymore time on her.
Oh, and if you have to imagine them 'at it', then try to imagine her 'recently had a baby' tummy and stretch marks slapping about, I'm sure she's not a patch on you and judging by her morals they deserve each other.
Sorry, I'm off on one now, take care CGM and I am thinking of you and hope you will start to feel better very soon. x x

"try to imagine her 'recently had a baby' tummy and stretch marks slapping about" - sorry to all the new mums out there, no offence intended, I also have this after 5 years.

Morning CGM hope you are okay - be positive. H's new 'life' sounds like it could be a potential disaster, doesn't it? If it was a sit-com it would be considered too corny to be a success. Husband leaves wife and children, installs Chinese girlfriend with his parents in their home oh and she has a young baby - by another man - naaah.

Hope you had a good night CGM. Offers still open if you feel like a RL chat.

Raspberry is absolutely right in comparing this to a bereavement, it really is. In some ways I felt it would of been easier & less painful if H had died. I certainly feel that way now I know it all seems hopeless now. Its very raw & you simply havent a clue what to do for the best, but you will get used to & accept the situation in time, then you can start to move on with your life.

Eventually, when he`s a sad old loser on his own, Chinese tart long gone, lost proper contact with the dc & wallowing in self pity, & youre in a successful career, maybe re married with more dc, but most importantly happy he will regret his actions big time. By then it will be too late though & you will be glad that you got rid of the nasty, selfish leech of your energy.

Im taking the first step towards my new life on Thursday. I have my first job interview for over 10 years, & its in a profession I never dreamed id ever break into. Im going to try my hardest to be a success for myself & the dc. I want them to be proud of me as a successful working mum who did it all despite their father.

We will make it! Everyone here on this thread, & all the others going through exactly the same thing. We will make a success of our lives, then we can stick two fingers up at our loser exes & say I dont need you, or your money!

GO GIRLS!!!!!!

SP getting a little carried away there.

Good for you SP!

CGM - hope today is a better day.

CGM - I am so sorry for you - your DH is a c*nt.

Get a lawyer and if there is a joint bank account then take everything out. His OW is not after your DH but his money.

Tell your MIL to fuck off. She should not be getting involved in this and she does'nt deserve to see your DCs if she is blatantly taking sides like this. Oh, and she can wash his clothes and feed him because quite frankly you have better things to do.

Stay strong - you can get through it. Your DH and OW deserve each other. You are destined for a better future.

SP, well done, good luck for Thursday, will keep fingers crossed.

CGM hope you are OK, and feeling strong, we are all willing you on, a lot of positive energy is coming your way.

I have also bought 2 voodoo dolls today, one called Chinese tart! the other, Prick face! I have inserted needles in the appropriate orifices, so you should be hearing the screams anytime soon. Honest!

Lol colacubes. My H was squirming at our mediation this evening at around 6pm. If that was the time you stuck the pins in keep it up!

Hopefully CGMs H felt it too, & both of our Hs Chinese tarts.

Anything that helps. Will have to try that one myself.

Hope you managed to get through today ok CGM.

Go CGM! I have jsut read all this and cant believe it. Your DH is an utter Tw*t and his parents have lost their minds.

Have just caught up with your thread What a tosser and his parents are no better!!!

My dsis had similiar MIL who 'looked after' soon to be ex BIL, when he walked out.... poor love!!

Don't have any advice..... except to say if I could mentally cut your dh's balls off I would!!!

Stay strong your doing your best for your babies and that's what matter's most at the moment and get support wherever you can

Thinking of you

How are you today CGM?

Colacubes - I love you and your voodoo dolls! please stick an extra big pin in chinese dolls lower regions!!!

Sparkleprincess, thank you so much for all your offers of rl support, cant quite believe i am meeting you over here on this board after all your help re my ds and bullying/schools.

Should be fun over the next few days! DS's birthday is tom and DH is staying over tonight so he can be with ds when he wakes and then he will be having birthday dinner with us tom. Not sure how i feel about this. Obv he wont be in my bed, but Christ I wish he was (Is this normal behaviour?! I am almost desp to get him back into bed)

He also emailed me info on getting a quickie divorce through the internet rather than spend hundreds on solicitors.

We had big arguement on phone last night and he put it down on me, can see it all ending so unfriendly. As to what mil is doing well, she really is f*ing mad and I hate her.

Hope things are going better for you sparkle. On another note, My ds is doing amazingly at Claremont, he is a different child, so happy there and excelling, so glad we made that choice. Will look for your email address and perhaps we can meet? Did you go for Charters Ancaster in the end?

CGM xxx

DON'T SHAG HIM

oh dear me no don't let him call the shots re divorce

have you spoken to anyone about this legally?