In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

I was wondering how you are CGM, I hope your ok, just to let you know I was thinking of you.

He has finally been honest and just told me that while in Beijing he slept with his (female and Chinese business partner) she is coming back to the UK at the end of May and she may be the one for him. He has taken the children over to his parents so we can talk in peace but all I wish to do is self harm, cry and end everything. He thinks I am fine ha ha ha, I told him all I've done since he has left is go through the motions of getting up, sorting kids out all day then putting them to bed, life is so bad, Im so bad, Christ I cant be normal Ive even worked out how id top myself, what time of day would be best so id not get found all sorts and he thinks im fine!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her name is Yanshu and I just feel sooooo empty, Why has he done this to me? am I really that bad a person?
Im 33 and achieved nothing with life, cant even manage to keep hold of my husband.

I thanked him for being honest wtf is wrong with me?

happy pills are not working, im just so numb.

CGM - I don't know what advice to give but didn't want your post to be unanswered.
Please don't blame yourself for this. You're not a bad person. Hope someone with good advice comes along soon.

CGM- I have just been reading all your posts.
I am so sorry.
What your going through must be dreadful. You sound so lovely. Certainly do not sound like a bad person.
I'm sorry I dont have advice either but couldnt ignore.

CGM - well now you know that all his attacks on you were him scrabbling to find justification for what he has done, and to appease his guilt.
This is NOT YOUR FAULT. He has the blame in this. IF he was so unhappy with you then he should have said something, tried to sort things out, not sleep with someone else and lay the blame at your door.

IS there anyone who can come and stay with you for a while - or can you go somewhere else, so you can have some support and help with the dc?

CGM, Please email me (address a few posts back) I really want to try to help you through this. I was exactly in the place you are 4 months ago, thinking of suicide & self harm etc. Strange co incidence is my H is also sh@gging some chinese tart. Probably looks like the back end of a bus.

I am frequently in your area. Spent the day there today seeing my parents, but could quite easily of met up with you instead.

Youre in a horrible place at the moment. I totally know where you are & how you feel. I truly want to help if theres any way I can.

Please dont make any hasty decisions, or be forced into starting Divorce proceedings when you are not in the right frame of mind to cope with that sort of thing yet. Plenty of time for that.

Take care of yourself, & remember, im only half hour up the road if you need me.

CGM - I know it's really hard at the moment, but it will get better. You have achieved something fantastic - you are the mother of 2 wonderful children. Do not underestimate this achievement - believe me it surpasses any business successes.

Focus on getting through each day at a time - and remind yourself that you deserve better than your DH. As SparklePrincess says, don't let yourself be rushed into anything. Look at what you need to do on a practical level, and get those things into place. Talk to your friends - here and in RL and allow yourself to grieve.

Things will get better, but it will take time, so you will need to trust in the future.

Sorry to hear about the bomshell but at least now you know why you were made to feel worthless by him on his return because he was lying through his teeth and felt as guilty as hell - and to blame you makes him feel better, like it's not really his fault at all. How long is this Chinese squeeze coming over to the UK for at the end of May? I bet she doesn't look as lovely over here as she did there, especially if she is needy and reliant on him and not the powerful businesswoman she is like when in China. Do you know how long he has known her? I know it's difficult but stay strong and positive - he is in the wrong and boy does he know it. Plan ahead and don't let him spend your familiy's cash on her.

Oh no, CGM, you probably already thought this deep down but it is so hard hearing from the person you should be loving and protecting you . I have just cried at your post.

I know it is hard but you must now realise that this person you were married to is gone.

Please try to focus on something else. Something that you can throw yourself into. I know so many people say it but running/jogging/keep fit are brilliant not just for taking your mind off things but releasing feel good endorphins which we all need! It helped me release some anger too!

Please take Sparkle up on her offer and let her help. I know I am too far away or I would offer too!

Deep breaths & be strong xx

Someone once said to me "your pain is his guilt". One day, you will get over the pain, but he'll never recover from the guilt of what he's done, and I hope such bitter herbs spoil his taste for his new relationship.

CGM have just read this entire thread. You sound like such a lovely person...and your H sounds like a complete c**t. PLEASE take Sparkle up on her offer. It will do you so much good I'm sure to talk to someone in RL, but someone who is not too close to you IYKWIM. You'll get through this. Please stay strong sweetheart

CGM I just wanted to send you a great big huge hug - I do feel for you. You are not a bad person. To your family you are a fabulous daughter and sister and your DC wouldn't choose any other mummy for themselves. You are very wanted by so many people. Pls stay strong, everyday is a milestone and everyday you will get stronger.

Keep posting, there are lots of people thinking of you and wanting to make sure you are ok chick xx

I'm ust going to sit here and ramble as have no one else to talk to at this time of night

Im not sure it helps to have a name to hate now... I have no idea how old Yanshou Zou is but she used to work in the chinese herbal medicine shop here in my home town. h used to go into there and have strange back massage thingy with candle and suction cups.... anyhow i knew then that they had friendship and she wanted more, used to msn him a lot (this was couple of years ago) She went back to china in 2007 and h would speak to her about work... she arranged all the business opportunities and meetings for when he went out there....

Since she has been back in China she has had a baby by???? who is 8m old not h's as he said he first shagged while there. She is obviously such a whore. Cant get image out of head of him shagging her.

I said i could forgive him one night stand but it was lots of nights, afraid i went looney and ran out of house, no shoes, coat in pissing rain to go and get my children back from his parents, I have cut my feet to shreds and do finally feel as though i need mental help, never realised i was such a fruitcase, its over a 15min walk to their house and i cant really recall how i walked it. they rang h to take us home, i didnt even have keys.

This bitch is coming over in May for work and i want to slap her, kill her all sorts. I told h's parents they'd have a nice new daughter in law soon with baby and they could all play happy families with my kids and without me.

i am losing the plot

CGM, i have been following your thread. you are not losing the plot. you are angry and with reason. you are letting your feelings come to the surface, as opposed to repress them and be in denial or numb.

it would sound strange to me if you were acting all civilized and calm.

i do think you need support in RL too. could you think of anyone?

please have faith, you will get through this!

No, no. You are not losing the plot. Although not behaviour you display on a normal day, it is ver average behaviour for someone in your position, CGM. If I were you, I would stop talking to him about it. These revelations are only causing you more pain, and they can't help make things better. My xh left us for a woman named Holly. Do you know I couldn't even tolerate seeing the name in a book. I couldn't have holly on my wrapping paper or decorations at Christmas for three years after it happened.
It does send you a little bit berserk. But that is normal. You are not alone

Oh love

what an absolute C word cowardly selfish wimp of a man. Don't blame you for being a loon, who wouldn't be right now? It's so f-ing extreme and he mucked you about in a way nobody deserves least of all you devoted mother of his children.
Don't torture yourself thinking about them. Consider them as the selfish deluded prats imagining they have discovered happiness. They haven't. They just attracted like to like.
A relationship built on this slurry of lies and crap will crumble in its own time. What fools.

You meanwhile have a wonderful future that belongs to you and your lovely kids. It may not look like it now because this is an extreme shock for you. But you will get over this, you really will.

You are too good for him.

Oh,cgm, have just been reading your post, so sorry you are going through this.

Of course you feel like you are losing the plot love, you are going through so much and have been so hurt.

I don't think there are many of us that would act or feel differently.

I think if you are feeling like you can't handle things maybe you could visit your doc tomorrow?
Sometimes when your brain is in overload, it can all feel too much I know.

I understand that he has acted like a prick but you still love him so much so it so hard for you pet, but you will feel better in the future, I promise you...

Your reaction was normal for the occasion. Don't dwell on it, certainly don't worry about it, but take the anger, control it then use it.

Be business like in your separation. Takes BK's and VVVQ's advice. Draw up plans for separation and tell him what you want.

ONe day you'll get what you want right now (he'll want to come back- this sort of thing never lasts) but by then you won't want him.

CGM, thats nothing, when I found out my dp had a "friend", I went on a one woman mission to try and bloody beat the crap out of him, then rang his mother, rang his little friend, next day packed the entire house, with help from my brother and moved out to mums for 4 months. Left him one chair, a lamp and a mirrow that I wrote Bye Bye on in red lipstick!! I lost it completley, but you aren't going mad, you are not mental, you are a woman who has been betrayed by her husband.

You have every right to ask a question and get it answered, and you have every right to feel like you want to drop down dead, he is a fucking bastard. You do not deserve to be lied to, and mislead, and tbh, let her have him, he's worth shit to you now anyway, if hes that easy hes not worth having.

He's not good enough for you or anyone else, shes a right little slag, seems she set her sights and he was thrilled to be wanted, the tosser, what a easdy lay he was, forget it hes pathetic, tell him to leave, you dont want him, hes not the man you married, not fit to lick that mans boots.

Best way to deal with him is to cut him off, give him what he wants, if she likes the chase, she'll get bored now shes snared him, no more chasing, she'll find another, and if she doesnt then, so what, she deserves a snake, shes as low as they come, suit each other.

CGM - I am so sorry that he turned out not to be the person you loved. The loss of that person is devastating, ime, the moreso because nothing can ever bring that person back

Now at least you know what is going on and now you must begin the long trek towards a happy future for you and your DCs. There will be many ups and downs along the way - roller coaster rides of emotions, with twists and turns and dramas you never sought out. But get there you will.

At the moment it isn't possible for you or him to know what you will settle on in the long term - so save yourself a lot of stress and don't sweat it for now - there will be plenty opportunities along the way to decide what you want for the longer term, now just isn;t the right time to take those decisions.

That being the case, your getting through each day is as much as anyone (yourself included) should expect of you at the present time - getting through the day in whatever way you can is GOOD! Really good

As for the reaction to the news - that's fine too - just go with the flow. You didn't ask for any of this, therefore I think people around you should be prepared for you to react in whatever way you find most appropriate as things unfold. I did some pretty shocking things in the same situation - and with the benefit of a long period of time between then and now, in the right company I can howl with laughter at some of those things! But it was far from funny at the time!

Get a diary and write it all down, let it be your most trusted companion through the long nights ahead. If nothing else, it may provide a good read at some point in the future!

Just stick in there - we will be here for you anytime that you need a bit of support

Dear CGM, Oh sweets, I am so sorry for you and how it has all panned out. TBH it's good all is out in the open and you have a chance to make an educated decision about your future. I can imagine how you must feel, I've been there, not with my current partner but an ex fiancee who told me all sorts of crap: wanted time for himself, space, we had different ideas about the future right down to blaming me for everything, comparing our relationship to a bad apple that he threw away and being absolutely accusatory and spiteful. I was devastated and can honestly say that my heart broke apart, it was as if I had been stabbed and all my future dreas were shattered. I felt so alone (was abroad at the time). Then, after a few weeks it turns out that this piece of shit has been seeing some dopey blonde f*ckface and started something before we broke up. Great job! My head was all over the place, he kept denying it but my best friends vouched for what they've heard and seen.

3 years later I'm in a very different place: I have a lovely dp and our first baby is on the way. I don't really think about the ex tosser but when my thoughts do go back, then I'm so glad it turned out that way and I was allowed to enjoy what I have now.

The reason why I'm writing this is not to flaunt my happiness but to tell you, that you will be happy again, you will be loved again and find joy and respect in your future life. I'm sure you will walk in a valley of darkness and feel like you're drowning in tears for a while and to allow yourself to heal you need to grieve. Definitely do not spend a lot of time on your own. Get people around you, maybe have a member of your family stay with you. Talk, talk, talk about it, do not keep it all in. I think it might be time to open up to your friends and family (also his, especially his family) about what he has done.

Listen, darling: do not blame yourself for what has happened!!! Why are you saying you've achieved nothing in life. It makes me really to hear you say that about yourself and also a bit that you are falling into that way of thinking. How can you say this when you have lovely children and are a caring mother and good wife??? Success and achievements are not coupled with how much money you net per month. It's not to do with being gainfully employed at all. Look at thousands of charity workers? Have they achieved nothing, just because they don't get paid? Do you make a difference in someones life? Yes? Then you have achieved something.

Go and sit down and think about what you want to do with your life? What are your hopes and aspirations? What did you want to do when you were younger? What do you equal to success and achievement? Then, bit by bit, go for it girl. Enroll in a class at your council, maybe do free work for your kids' school, get that self-esteem up!!!

Now, do not dwell on the OW. Shizou has probably been lying and trying to ensnare him for years, what a sad little slut. I hope he catches something off her. Have to say Asian women come across as sweet and docile but man, there's an iron fist behind those little porcelaine faces. Is she from southern china? Wouldn't be too worried about the looks then and even if, yellow fever doesn't exactly strike all men and IMO, it was probable the crap she's been feeding him coupled with constant "admiration" and fluttering eyelashes that brought him down.

TBH, he's as sad as she is. What a twunt to do this to you, what an absolute a*sewipe to forsake your kids and loyal wife for a "12 year old" between the sheets. Pathetic really. Do not move out of your home but keep your sanity by ordering card board boxes and fold up all of his belongings. Then store them in the garage. He needs to see the consequences of his actions.

Now that it's out in the open you have 6 months to file for divorce on grounds of adultery. If you file first you'll determine the pace of the proceedings if this is what you want. I'm not mentioning counselling because he doesn't seem to care and see his misbehaviour or repent for it. He just sees his fun and is being absolutely selfish.

He doesn't deserve a second chance after c*nting you around for so long.

God. big hugs and positive vibes to you. Try to eat well and listen to all great advice been given here. Whatever he is (lots of bad words!!), you are a great mother and loyal wife. Feel proud and strong with that. x

How are you today CGM??

Dont worry about things you have done! You have to deal with this anger some how!! In the grand scheme of things, what your h has done is much, much worse than anything you have done.

The night that I found out that my h's ow had actually moved into his company flat (in Hungary) 4 months earlier, I lost the plot. I punched him and screamed at him (sorry, only time I think the dc may have heard our rows) and then had to leave the house to wander around the area crying.
I am not ashamed of that - If I had stayed in the house I may have killed h!

I hope you can feel the warmth and support that people are sending to you. You are getting some great advice.

But at the end of the day, only you can pick yourself up and decide to get on with life without this piece of sh*t!!
I hope you feel strong today and able to take the first steps. xxx

Stay with us CGM. We are all here to help you.