In Turmoil - my marriage is over

[CowsGoMoo]

I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.

He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.

We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers.
I am devastated!

He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.

I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.

I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.

Has anyone got any advice, Thank you

Unfortunately, men can change in the most unbelievable manner when they decide they no longer care to be part of the family unit, and some would, incredibly, see their loving wife and children in the gutter.

Get a lawyer, a bloody good one, he will have to pay for it in the end anyway, and get yourself and the kids protected. Until he starts to behave like a mature, rational adult with responsibilities again it is you and the kids against the world, I'm afraid. Experience (not my own, mercifully) has told me that the best firm to use is usually the one in town with the best criminal practice, they tend to specialise in dodgyness.

Sorry to be harsh but feel so angry on your behalf. Your H may not be a c**t but he is behaving like one.

Don't make excuses for him to the kids, make him tell them the score, to their faces. If he won't, you do it.

Message withdrawn

Everything Danae just said, seconded to the nth degree.

Be angry. It will serve you better than tears. Not that tears are wrong, or weak, or silly. Of course you feel like crying. But your tears do not serve you well right now. Anger will, in the short term, do better.

Um - the bills he's paying are those that are helping to put a roof over his children's heads, food on his childrens table, and clothes on his childrens backs.

You dont have to do his washing or anything else for him. The fact that you are looking after his children without any help from him is more than enough.

He needs to get a grip, and wake up and smell the shit he's shovelling.

Bag his belongings up, dirty or not, text him and tell him you are going to leave them on the doorstep at a particular time, and its up to him to make sure he collects it.

Tell him, by whichever means you wish, that if he wants to stop paying bills, you'll take appropriate legal action in order to get him to take responsibility for his family. You know, the one he helped to create? Whether thats through divorce courts, CSA or whatever. But, tell him, that if he wants to be reasonable about it, then you are more than happy to discuss suitable arrangements, but, that you are no longer a 'couple', and therefore, you dont have any responsibility to him any more, only your children. Tell him that he's welcome to walk out on his marriage, but, he isnt allowed to walk out on responsibilities to his children, and you'll fight tooth and nail to preserve your children's happiness.

Sorry you are having a hard time. It must be really tough. But, you do need to be tough with him. He's having his cake and eating it atm. You dont deserve this.

CGM: please please see a solicitor. Are you in London? I can recommend two really mean fuckers that will tear him apart!!! They cost, but they are so worth it.

Just because he bounces off into the sunset doesn't mean he can stop paying for you and the kids.

Listen darling, be strong. Get copies of all your bank statements, open up your own account, divert child benefits into it, fill out a few cash cheques (600 pounds each) in your name and get your marriage certificate, deeds on house, utility bill copies, etc. into a safe place (repository (spelling ?) or your Mum's). You'll need it for the divorce. Syphon money off and stash it at a safe place, too. Cash. Be prepared.

Hugs

Morning CGM (and all the other ladies on this thread). Be positive and there really has been some fantastic advice on here so far. Remember, take each day or half day step by step. Don't let him break you down. It is his own guilt and wrong doing that is making him be this nasty so don't be both his verbal punchbag nor doormat. You have done nothing wrong and he knows you are vulnerable that is why he keeps at it. He knows he is doing wrong by flitting in and out of the life of his family by coming home to have a bath and eat. Is he still staying at his brother's?

I can't put it any better than VeniVidiVickiQV has already done. Her post is spot on

Get yourself a solicitor. Start calling the shots. Don't let him treat you like some pushover domestic staff member.

Doing his washing ffs. Who on earth does he think he is? Not a grown man facing up to the reality of splitting up his family, that's for sure.

The man is a baby. I know you'll be a way away from seeing this but if this is what he boils down to as a man, holding you to ransom to do his laundry, you are better off without him.

anothermum92, just tried to PM you but couldn't get through. Feel free to drop me an email to "adeeva" at "gmx" dot "net" and I'll send you their details, tipps and tricks

I agree with above. Channel all of your pain and hurt into ANGER... do not let him see the hurt, anymore! You can do it!!

Alexa808, please can you mail me the details too? Just in case.

frisbyrat "at" hotmail "dot" co "dot" uk.

Thanks.

CGM, I hope today has been better for you.

Please please listen to Alexa. BossyKate etc

get stashing the money NOW

bit by bit by bit

{{{{hugs))))

Hi! Your husband needs to grow up and become a strong person for you. It's not much fun to have a big baby like this in your life. You need to feel cared for and relaxed in order to love him. Desperate men are not attractive, men who act like they do not need the love/sex of the woman are attractive. Let him go and grow up, and take care of yourself and your kids. Remeber, there are many men out there who would love to have a good wife like you.

CGM, when I read your last posting I felt an enormous rush of adrenalin and wanted so much to punch that bastard in the face. The way you typed it was probably exactly the way he said it too: cold, heartless, matter of fact. And I can imagine the pain, confusion and disbelief you felt in reaction to it all. My heart literally aches for you.

So now...firstly, that man does not have you over a barrel. Now you know where he is coming from, and you know that nothing you can say or do will make a difference. In which case, do what you bloody well like.

STOP all favours.
Report him to the CSA / seek a solicitor to find out what he must BY LAW do for you, not as a friendly return for you doing his washing. Does he think he owes the mother of his children, and his own children, absolutely nothing after walking away from them? ERROR.

Hope things are ok CGM. I agree with previous posts that now is the time to get angry. Nothing you do now will make him come back so do as little woman says, see a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand. You owe him NOTHING. I bet any solicitor would laugh if you told them that he expects you to feed him and do his washing.

I wonder if maybe he said all those things in a desperate attempt to create space between you. He knows you love him, he knows you want him back but, this puts him under pressure because he doesn't want to come back. I maybe he has attacked you verbally out of frustration.

Anyway, whatever his reasons it's not very nice, fair, or mature. I agree with the other posters. Now is the time to thik about you and your DC's. Give him the space he so obviously wants, let him have it. And let him take the consequences for it too. Get yourself armed with advice from a solicitor and show him you will not be pushed around.

Give him what he wants and see what his reaction is then! I hope you are bearing up ok xx

Cowsgomoo and all the other ladies in the same boat, hope you have had a good day and look after yourselves xxxx

am92 I've just sent you a msg. I hope it helps.

CGM: how are you feeling today? Make sure you re-start your life without taking him into account. Do what feels right for you and don't hold back just because you think he wouldn't like it, boss you around or make life miserable for you.

He has already made you miserable by walking away and treating you like a maid.

I agree every lawyer would sort him out if he expected to have the washing and feeding done for him. If he can find sexual fulfillment somewhere else tell him to let the OW cook, clean and care for him. Reality will set in for the little madam and we shall see how much sizzle is between them when reality sets in. It's fine and dandy to nosh someone off who's married, then break up a family and live a Pretty Woman lifestyle? I don't think so. Let's see if she stays with the tosser. After all, he's already left one family...what makes her think he's not gonna leave her, too?

Have you looked after the papers and bank accounts, hun? You need to get that sorted. Every bloody policy you find has to be split and half the money is a going to benefit your kids. I also think you stand a fair chance of getting the house to yourself. How old are your dcs again?

Wishing you strength!!

Only just discovered your thread CGM. Dont know how I missed it.

Weve chatted before on education threads. Your ds is in the same year group as my dd, & Im pretty sure you live in my home town.

Im so sorry to hear about your situation. I understand how you are feeling perfectly because it mirrors my own. H told me he hasnt loved me since 6 months after our wedding (9 year marriage) whilst my father was dying in hospital. He then proceeded to treat me in exactly the same way as your H & tried to place the blame firmly at my door. I also got told to "fucking get a job" & called a "lazy cow" because I only work a few hours a week to fit in with school.

My H also swore blind there wasnt anyone else, but that turned out to be a load of cr@p. He still wont admit to it now 5 months on, despite the fact that he is living with her & the dc have spent time at the house with them & the stupid bitch actually got into the same bed which H was sleeping in with the dc.

Im now several months down the line from the bombshell, & while its still a bit of a nightmare rollercoaster ride im feeling sooo much better than I did in those early days.

If you want to bend my ear at any time id happily get together in real life. Was in your neck of the woods today actually to see my parents, & am only half hours drive away, so no distance. Perhaps we could start a club for recently separated women within 15 miles radius of Battle or something? Im sure were not the only ones within that area going through this. Perhaps we could all get together one evening while the @rseholes mind the dc for a change. My email address is tsnfirestorm @ msn . com

A word of advice re solicitors in your area. I had a bad experience with one back in January & have been vary wary of getting them involved ever since. Unfortunately H has now started to involve the dc in his hate campaign against me so ive booked up for a free consultation with another on Thursday this week. Please email me & ill give you the name of the firm to avoid. The last thing you need right now is any more stress.

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Alexa808, Could I have the details of those solicitors too please? My emails in my previous post.

Many thanks.

SP: just sent it. Good luck and get those gloves off girl

Thanks Alexa.
Ill have a look into those tomorrow. Maybe give them a call to find out their hourly rate. I dread to think.