Billy no mates at the book group WWYD?

[ColdGirlWinter]

Sorry after reviewing just realised how long this is!

I'm in a book group which I've been in for about six years. It's held in a pub in a village not far from where I live but about 10 minutes drive, just under three miles away and we meet monthly. All women, all who live in this village and who all know each other. Nobody has ever been rude to me, and some of them are really nice. There was a 'queen bee' character but she wasn't unkind, that status was more to do with the fact I think she set it up, but she's moved away. Another has just moved away too, and there's always been a whipround when they've moved. One of them was 60 recently and we did that for her too.

One woman in particular I really like a lot. But they are all very tight knit and do lots together, in couples, all know one another's families well etc. That's fine, I don't want to join in all of that though I have been to a couple of quizzes in the past which was very good. Sometimes however I am not listened to and can't get a word in (not always when talking about the book, when it is general chat) and I feel as if I don't belong. The pub is the only one in the village and they all frequent it a lot.

Tonight was book group, and I was the person who selected the book. There's a group WhatsApp and it's quite active. A couple of the members were doing something else tonight and messaged to say they wouldn't be there, one saying she was really enjoying the book. Another (one of them who's moved away) messaged to say the same, gave her review and said how good it was. Another messaged to say she wouldn't be able to come as she was just leaving work. Nobody else (there would be another 4 besides me) messaged so I assumed they were coming and it was going ahead. So I turned up half an hour early so I could eat there first as I had just finished work too. Nobody else came. I messaged the group to say I was by myself, one (who'd already said she wasn't coming) sent an emoji 😥and asked if "someone can book for next month" but nobody else bothered.

Last month I couldn't get a word in edgewise and left thinking that if it didn't improve, I wouldn't come again. When we had a Christmas meal, I was the last to arrive (no berating for being late, I wasn't) and sat at the end of the table and wasn't really included in conversation.

I suggested the book so there would be something I could talk about a lot this time, and nobody came! I don't think it's personal in that they don't like me, more that they are so cliquey, but they're not nasty. I don't think I want to continue with this. I wish I hadn't wasted an hour and a half altogether travelling there, eating, then waiting around and going home irritated.

WWYD?

Op sorry this happened. Just to say my daughters joined the senior ladies football. Awful cliques by some not all. Its going better now she 18. But grown women so nasty at times

Oh I read that one a couple of years back! Absolutely loved it

Me too! Hope you enjoy the book and the new group OP.

I admire your restraint, @ColdGirlWinter , I fear I’d have sent a somewhat crosser message. Being stood up by the 4 expected people was incredibly rude.

Find a new book group

As an author I love this idea. I have a crime writer friend who might find this a starting point for a crime story/ thriller!

It is interesting another person leaving. I wonder if there had been some strife amongst the members? Something the ones from the village would know about?

🙄

I can envision it - very Midsomer. 😂

But I don't mean to make fun. OP had a horrible experience with these women and is very well out of it. The new group sounds very promising and I hope it works out well.

In a way good that this has happened and been the last straw which allowed you to leave and find a group where you can feel comfortable and listened to. Their loss!

I think that's a good way to look at it.
Someone recently said that when something like that happens you should see it not as something that is done to you, but as something that is done for you.

You've done your time, op. It's time for you to walk out of that jail and into another, better book group. How awful that they didn't make an effort with you.

I'd just leave.

I think you handled it well.

But I'd have been tempted to say that next month's book was chosen by unanimous decision and it's Finnigan's Wake. Then leave them to it.

Congratulations on your book, OP! That's an amazing achievement.

I've been going to a similar group for a few months and have felt the same as you. I've known worse in the past (home ed and baby groups are often viciously cliquey and snobbish) but this is just a case of small town people who have known each other forever and aren't interested in meeting new people, with no malice intended. Intriguingly, there is one other foreigner, who seems to be accepted - but I've no desire to hang around getting ignored for however many years it takes to be acknowledged by people who aren't anything special themselves.

The next meeting sounds interesting, so I might go - but then I'm out. Life's too short to spend on the fringes of other people's cliques! Your new group sounds cool.

My DD had a group of uni “friends” all
say they couldn’t come to a drinks party she was having for a birthday and then posted pictures of themselves together in a bar on the same night. All had made excuses like family dinner, theatre tickets, holiday etc. Fortunately DD has zillions of friends who do show up so these people were swiftly decoupled from her social
media and any other form of contact was deleted. Some people just aren’t honest or pleasant. If you find they are not, get rid. DD did not spend 1 more second thinking about them. Delete and move on.

I’ve done the same three times in my life. All from volunteering roles that ended up being horrible experiences. Life is too short for such angst so they had to go. I felt so much better afterwards. Other activities I’ve been doing happily for years. It just seems to me that some groups are not really pleasant, even if you are giving up hours if your time. My time was better spent elsewhere.

OP, I've just read reviews of Mix Tape and it sounds right up my street, so thank you so much for the recommendation, I'll be buying it! I'd be more than happy to discuss it once I've read it!

The Night Circus is a glorious book. I have since read Erin Morgenstern's "The Starless Sea" and enjoyed that too, although it was quite hard to initially get into. There's something beautiful about the worlds she creates.

I hope you send at least one more message saying how happy you are that so many members enjoyed your book choice because some recent picks have been really boring.

🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏

WTG and CONGRATS! 👏

Massive congrats, OP - that is a great achievement!

If it helps, The Night Circus is terrific so your new group clearly has taste.

Yes. They sound a very self centred bunch. And very rude. Hopefully OP will find the new group much friendlier.

I joined a local "friendship" group in the last year to have a change of scene from my caring responsibilities, it's part of a wider UK friendship network.

Disappointingly cliquey. I've given it the best part of a year, but life's too short, I won't be going back.

I hope that the lovely posters here with similar experiences realise that it really isn't you. Take care of yourselves and sending you some flowers

I have, now.