Billy no mates at the book group WWYD?

[ColdGirlWinter]

Sorry after reviewing just realised how long this is!

I'm in a book group which I've been in for about six years. It's held in a pub in a village not far from where I live but about 10 minutes drive, just under three miles away and we meet monthly. All women, all who live in this village and who all know each other. Nobody has ever been rude to me, and some of them are really nice. There was a 'queen bee' character but she wasn't unkind, that status was more to do with the fact I think she set it up, but she's moved away. Another has just moved away too, and there's always been a whipround when they've moved. One of them was 60 recently and we did that for her too.

One woman in particular I really like a lot. But they are all very tight knit and do lots together, in couples, all know one another's families well etc. That's fine, I don't want to join in all of that though I have been to a couple of quizzes in the past which was very good. Sometimes however I am not listened to and can't get a word in (not always when talking about the book, when it is general chat) and I feel as if I don't belong. The pub is the only one in the village and they all frequent it a lot.

Tonight was book group, and I was the person who selected the book. There's a group WhatsApp and it's quite active. A couple of the members were doing something else tonight and messaged to say they wouldn't be there, one saying she was really enjoying the book. Another (one of them who's moved away) messaged to say the same, gave her review and said how good it was. Another messaged to say she wouldn't be able to come as she was just leaving work. Nobody else (there would be another 4 besides me) messaged so I assumed they were coming and it was going ahead. So I turned up half an hour early so I could eat there first as I had just finished work too. Nobody else came. I messaged the group to say I was by myself, one (who'd already said she wasn't coming) sent an emoji 😥and asked if "someone can book for next month" but nobody else bothered.

Last month I couldn't get a word in edgewise and left thinking that if it didn't improve, I wouldn't come again. When we had a Christmas meal, I was the last to arrive (no berating for being late, I wasn't) and sat at the end of the table and wasn't really included in conversation.

I suggested the book so there would be something I could talk about a lot this time, and nobody came! I don't think it's personal in that they don't like me, more that they are so cliquey, but they're not nasty. I don't think I want to continue with this. I wish I hadn't wasted an hour and a half altogether travelling there, eating, then waiting around and going home irritated.

WWYD?

They sound like a pack of hounds. I'm glad you have jacked it in.

Sound like a bunch of thoughtless bitches

What a bizarre post. You know that book clubs are everywhere and very popular?

I tried a book club hosted at our local library. I didn’t realise it was an existing group so walked in and sat down before the set time. 3 people were already there and just looked at me, no introduction or small talk.

eventually the meeting started and I returned for several more. When it came my turn to discuss what I was currently reading, I was mid way through the Seven Sisters series and one woman trashed any positive comment I had to say. She then spent the rest of my discussion talking to the woman next to her. I found out later she was a local writer!

I couldn’t be bothered after that, although missed the book recommendations.

Your choice of book and no-one turns up - I'd say they're all acting like mean girls and planned it - yes mature women pull stunts like that believe me. I think you've behaved very well under the circumstances, not everyone would sit & have a meal alone 👍👍 or handle seemingly like water off a duck's back. Don't even look back x

Good for you for ditching the group.
You aren't part of the central clique so they probably haven't minded you being there but aren't that bothered about you, if you see what I mean, and therefore it was easy for them to just not bother turning up to your evening when a couple of people had dropped out. Very rude of them to not turn up without saying anything.
I'm considering dumping a group I am in at the moment (it's a musical group) because of similar kind of behaviour. I'd organized something which they were initially enthusiastic about and then once I'd booked it, one by one they all started dropping out so I just cancelled it and I'm now trying to decide whether to leave because I'm always the one on the periphery and while I don't need to be the centre of attention all the time, or even at all, I do feel a bit pushed out and ignored.
This sort of thing does happen in groups all the time. You just have to find one which suits you and not keep flogging a dead horse.

This is silly. There’s absolutely no reason to think anyone ‘planned’ anything. Two regulars had said in advance they couldn’t make it because they were doing something else together for a birthday, one member who’d moved away WhatsApped in her review, one woman said she was only leaving the office and wouldn’t make it, and two of those were complimentary about the OP’s book choice. Four people didn’t say they weren’t coming, and didn’t show.

The OP was always going to be eating alone — she went straight to the pub from work so she could have a bite to eat before the book group.

I mean, I can see why the OP is hurt and think she was right to find a new book group, but I see no evidence this was planned maliciously, or anything other than what she already knew, that this wasn’t a group that regarded her as a ‘central’ member.

@changeme4this - very similar experience here. I went along to the local library book group and sat down in one of the chairs set out in a small semi-circle. A group of women came in and asked if I’d move because they wanted to sit together. So I moved to the row behind, and it happened again! This time there was nowhere else to sit so I was perched on a table at the back. I tried to leave, but the doors were locked so I slunk back, hot with embarrassment.

No one acknowledged me, not even the librarian running it, and at the coffee break I stood there like a lemon and when I approached the urn the woman said it had run out.

Towards the end the librarian asked if anyone had read any of the Booker nominations, so I gingerly raised my hand and mentioned a couple. The silence was deafening.

Needless to say I never went back and I’m still going on about it after five years!

@GreekVases I think it looks like they are so wrapped up in themselves the OP is an afterthought if that. Maybe not deliberately being nasty but even so not an energy I'd want around me. They just didn't care.

Time to find a new group - this one has run it's course.

Side note - it's edgeways not edgewise.

I really don't understand all the people saying "it was thoughtlessness not malice".

You have a standing arrangement to meet up every month at the same place. There's an active WhatsApp group and you've seen two people message to apologise for not being able to attend this time.

Even if they didn't deliberately choose to flake out of spite because it was OP's week, they were definitely rude to not tell her they wouldn't be there. You just can't be that "thoughtless" when it's a commitment you've had for six flipping years!

Before you make corrections and redundant comments, perhaps consider RTFT first?

this one has run it's course.

Further side note - in this context it's its not it's.

Ooh, I wouldn't want to be your enemy.😂

OP could turn up in disguise & listen to what they say about her.

I liked your message OP - but would certainly have selected this month's book choice - my act of revenge.

It would have been a huge boring tome of a book or a moral fable or perhaps a tale of revenge like The Count of Monte Cristo (where friends the hero trusted turn out to be weak or evil ...and when he survives their wickedness, they find themselves completely in his power).

So sorry to hear about this OP-it’s proper crap of them all. Maybe it was a coincidence that it was your book when they all bailed (I’m sure that’s what they will say) but it’s highly suspicious and gives mean girl vibes. I think after this long maybe it is time for you to move. on if you don’t feel like you belong. You mention one lady you like- is it worth saving her number before you leave the group and perhaps suggest a coffee? I know stuff like that is scary- but if you like her and won’t see her again what have you got to lose?

similar situation happened with me and a WI group - I was on the committee for 6 years. Organised a crochet workshop and travelled 1.5hrs round trip to run it- none of the women I considered friends showed - I was left with 3 cliquey women who treated me as a member of staff rather than a volunteer giving their time and a paid up member. I never went back.

at least 2 of the ladies enjoyed your book - take your good literary taste to where it’s appreciated… and give us a book recommendation on this thread :)

That’s awful!! What is wrong with these adults?! I don’t get it when groups of women go to social groups and then just act like it’s a small get together with just them and don’t include anyone else. If they just want to meet up together then don’t come to a group where others are going to make friends!
a group of women do this at my knitting group - talk about their families/ other friends/ personal shite that if you don’t know then you can’t contribute and they don’t even speak to me. When they walk in I purposefully go and sit on another table if they sit next to me- I ain’t wasting my evening!

Great book! Already think the new group will be better.

@ColdGirlWinter

Oh dear that was a shit experience. I think you are right it's not that they are mean etc. but as you are on the periphery and don't have any "joint" interests.

I am single and don't have children, and when everyone is married and having babies it makes you accidentally socially vulnerable. Everyone advice is "meet new people" but forget that to meet people without a common goal you are working towards is extraordinarily difficult.

I think it was good that you are leaving. Have a lovely holiday

I'm sorry they were so thoughtless. I hope the new group is better. x

@Ger1atricMillennial - you have summed up the difficulty of making friends as an adult really well. School friends/ uni friends/ mum friends all have a shared goal - you don’t have that with strangers at a hobby group

I'm just not sure about book clubs anyway.

I belonged to one for a few years and in the end was fed up with reading what I'd consider 'awful books' that were other people's choices. I'm not short of ideas on what to read and although I joined the group to meet new people, I got tired of it after a while. In the 3 years I was in the group, there were only 2 books I really enjoyed. I wasted a lot of money on books I didn't enjoy and of course they were all donated to charity shops.

I really enjoyed the Night Circus!!

Yup therefore you can bond over shared experiences.

Actual Book clubs can be great for a small group of very introverted people, who are deep thinkers and really struggle to talk when in social situations.

"Book Clubs" where the book is just an excuse to get together and talk to others and socialise are very difficult to get into.

I am on a pub quiz team even though we are socialising, it's not the main goal of being there. I am also in a singing group and again the main goal is to sing, not necessarily to socialise, though we do occasionally.

I had v.similar experiences @MaturingCheeseball @changeme4this It’s particularly painful when the person leading the group doesn’t even acknowledge you as a newbie and introduce you in any way.
I like the concept of the silent book clubs, but I’ve yet to find an event near me.

@ColdGirlWinter OP, I hope you find a new group- the film and book club at the Curzon sounds like a good start.