Billy no mates at the book group WWYD?

[ColdGirlWinter]

Sorry after reviewing just realised how long this is!

I'm in a book group which I've been in for about six years. It's held in a pub in a village not far from where I live but about 10 minutes drive, just under three miles away and we meet monthly. All women, all who live in this village and who all know each other. Nobody has ever been rude to me, and some of them are really nice. There was a 'queen bee' character but she wasn't unkind, that status was more to do with the fact I think she set it up, but she's moved away. Another has just moved away too, and there's always been a whipround when they've moved. One of them was 60 recently and we did that for her too.

One woman in particular I really like a lot. But they are all very tight knit and do lots together, in couples, all know one another's families well etc. That's fine, I don't want to join in all of that though I have been to a couple of quizzes in the past which was very good. Sometimes however I am not listened to and can't get a word in (not always when talking about the book, when it is general chat) and I feel as if I don't belong. The pub is the only one in the village and they all frequent it a lot.

Tonight was book group, and I was the person who selected the book. There's a group WhatsApp and it's quite active. A couple of the members were doing something else tonight and messaged to say they wouldn't be there, one saying she was really enjoying the book. Another (one of them who's moved away) messaged to say the same, gave her review and said how good it was. Another messaged to say she wouldn't be able to come as she was just leaving work. Nobody else (there would be another 4 besides me) messaged so I assumed they were coming and it was going ahead. So I turned up half an hour early so I could eat there first as I had just finished work too. Nobody else came. I messaged the group to say I was by myself, one (who'd already said she wasn't coming) sent an emoji 😥and asked if "someone can book for next month" but nobody else bothered.

Last month I couldn't get a word in edgewise and left thinking that if it didn't improve, I wouldn't come again. When we had a Christmas meal, I was the last to arrive (no berating for being late, I wasn't) and sat at the end of the table and wasn't really included in conversation.

I suggested the book so there would be something I could talk about a lot this time, and nobody came! I don't think it's personal in that they don't like me, more that they are so cliquey, but they're not nasty. I don't think I want to continue with this. I wish I hadn't wasted an hour and a half altogether travelling there, eating, then waiting around and going home irritated.

WWYD?

Bloody hell, OP, that is horrible.

I belong to a book group - also villagey, also a bit cliquey (many of us have known each others decades, know loads of people in common etc) but I'd be embarrassed if we behaved like that to any member, new or old.

I wonder if the woman who resigned was also not enjoying it.

I read the Night Circus for a Book club, too!

No, no, no. Keep your dignity. The message you propose will just make people laugh at you, it sounds so self-absorbed and immature. It's like a toddler pouting and tantrumming.

I’m another who thought you said 6 months. 6 years, wow. Fuck them, they’re awful! I hope you can find another group that doesn’t act like bitchy school girls

If someone else has left, it's probably the case that the book club in its current form is coming to an end. Those who want to be friends will stay in touch (the village gang) and meet up and you, sensibly, will find another book club. Sometimes things just outgrow their purpose or it turns out everyone isn't quite as keen as you supposed- it is quite a commitment to read that many books, I've found myself one of the only ones reading them before and others want more of a social club, but that is fair enough in a way- so let those that want get on with it, it may be more than one of you isn't that into it any more.

Another response in the WhatsApp from one of the no-shows, saying she was sorry that the other woman is leaving, and sorry to miss the group last night, but had a busy week and is going on holiday on Saturday. SO WHY NOT BLOODY WELL TELL US, NOT JUST NOT TURN UP? Said she liked the book a lot, great recommendation, see us all next meeting, assuming that it is a 'free reading month' and lots of palm tree emojis. You know this all might be outing now. But I'm not bothered.

If they are not your friends beyond this after 6 years, they won't be, so I'd move on anyway, and they will reconvene with whoever is still into it!

Sounds like there are some too late guilty consciences.

OP that all sounds a bit rubbish and I think you've done the right thing in leaving. The other book/film club sounds promising though.

In the meantime, please come over to What We're Reading and have a look at the 50 Books Challenge (Part Five) thread.

It's a bunch of people who dip in and out sharing books we have read and other book-related chat. I've been really busy lately so haven't participated much but hope to be jumping in again soon.

Notionally the challenge is to read fifty books in a year, however it doesn't really matter if you reach the target or not. You can write short reviews of what you've read for others to share .. I tend to do that only for books I've particularly enjoyed though.

There are other good threads like the Rather Dated book group where we discuss books that are of their time but have fallen out of fashion.

Also readalongs where you read a few chapters of a designated book at a time and discuss. Usually a classic like War and Peace or a Dickens novel.

We had our first IRL meet-up in London a month ago and it was quite amazing to meet women I'd been chatting to online for years.

It's one of the nicest corners of the Internet .. and not cliquey! It's always good to welcome new people to join in.

I know the type. So insular. Nothing you could put your finger on in terms of being actively unfriendly or hostile, but absolutely zero fucks given about people who aren't in the inner circle. If you did ever decide to voice your feelings about it, they would utterly fail to recognise themselves in your perception of their behaviour. I hope the next group is far more enjoyable.

This has been a really interesting thread thank you for all your contributions and comments, I've found it ever so helpful thanks.

@highlandcoo that sounds fantastic!

Yes, not turning up for the person who wrote that wouldn't really matter in the context of everyone else as they often go for supper to the pub and would see each other before too long, but I was the one there on my Jack Jones and she didn't really consider that either when deciding not to turn up or in her message. I just CBA with it any more!

They have been very inconsiderate towards you OP. I hope the next group are much nicer and more welcoming

This is why clique groups don’t last in my experience. At some point others will leave, or can’t go for a while, and they are then surprised there is no one left to go. They also don’t try and attract new people as they like their little group of who they know too much.

It does get tiresome hearing conversations about people everyone else knows and you don't.

Forgot to say I tried to join a book group once (before they were such a thing or easy to find online) but when I messaged one of the members (friend of a friend), they said no as ‘they already knew each other and it would be odd to have someone new’.
A while later they had lost members to babies and people moving, they then contacted me to see i then wanted to join or if I knew anyone else. So rude.

How cheeky! What did you say?

Three more messages in the group from members saying that they will really miss the woman who's resigned. I'm not handing in my notice, I am 👻-ing them. Not something I would normally do but I feel in this case it's justified!

Sorry this has happened to you Op. Maybe you could try writing your own book...possibly about a cliquey women's book club that fell into disarray after one of them had an affair with one of the other's husbands, etc. Make up whatever shit you like to make yourself feel better as to why they were so rude & dismissive of you! 😜😂

I have written my own book and it's being published next week. It's an academic book though and I'm not posting it on here for outing reasons, but the group did congratulate me when I told them last year.

Congratulations 👏 🎉 🤗

People are clueless and lacking social skills.

I find adults often behave like teenagers. They are thoughtless about others and not welcoming and inclusive, but wrapped up in themselves.

It’s so disappointing, but I think lots who join a group of this type can find they feel like outsiders for a long period. No-one has to go out of their way to be unpleasant, but if no-one shows any interest in you or what’s happening in your life, but sees the group as an extension of their close circle with some ‘hangers-on’ who do t really count, it’s never going to be welcoming.

Successful groups welcome new-comers and make an effort to make sure effort is made and people looked out for.

Sometimes what’s happened to OP happens when there is no clear leader of the group. No-one takes any responsibility for anything but assumes others will do the being friendly,or communicating. Groups without someone taking at least a bit of a lead on setting dates, choosing books, making sure everyone knows what’s going on often fail. Or they fail if they are or aim to be anything more than simply an exclusive group of those who already know each other.

Sorry OP. It’s disappointing when you realise how crap a lot of people are. You’d hoped they have a bit of a sense of shame over what happened to you - but some people are self obsessed and will somehow think it was down to others and not see their own role in it.

Sticking it out and continuing or deciding to call it quits and leaving with dignity (resisting the temptation to be passive aggressive or even actively aggressive) is fine. It’s not you….it’s them. Remember that. And I hope you find a more friendly and welcoming group.

And note to all of us in groups - we all need to be more aware of those who might have not been around so long or don’t see the others outside the group - we need to make an effort and see it as our role, nit that of someone else to do.

Can’t believe you gave them 6 years OP. What a bunch of twats.

What was it that made you keep going back to be so disregarded each time?
I hope the new group is so much better.

I’d consider leaving the WhatsApp group. Especially if you haven’t had a single genuine apology from them leaving you on your own at the venue. That’s properly nasty. You are not going to get any sudden realisation from them or apologies. I think closure here will come from you walking away, promising yourself you’ll never put up with anything like this again, and deleting them all from your contacts.

💐

@ColdGirlWinter i just blanked them. It was pre Facebook so finding people wouldn’t be easy, I just got given an email by my friend.
I couldn’t go then as I had changed jobs anyway and I’d lost interest in finding a group.

Groups only survive with numbers in the end, people will always drop out. DH is in a hobby group and it’s important to try and keep the numbers up, not just for the room, but it’s just weird when there’s only a few of you.