Billy no mates at the book group WWYD?

[ColdGirlWinter]

Sorry after reviewing just realised how long this is!

I'm in a book group which I've been in for about six years. It's held in a pub in a village not far from where I live but about 10 minutes drive, just under three miles away and we meet monthly. All women, all who live in this village and who all know each other. Nobody has ever been rude to me, and some of them are really nice. There was a 'queen bee' character but she wasn't unkind, that status was more to do with the fact I think she set it up, but she's moved away. Another has just moved away too, and there's always been a whipround when they've moved. One of them was 60 recently and we did that for her too.

One woman in particular I really like a lot. But they are all very tight knit and do lots together, in couples, all know one another's families well etc. That's fine, I don't want to join in all of that though I have been to a couple of quizzes in the past which was very good. Sometimes however I am not listened to and can't get a word in (not always when talking about the book, when it is general chat) and I feel as if I don't belong. The pub is the only one in the village and they all frequent it a lot.

Tonight was book group, and I was the person who selected the book. There's a group WhatsApp and it's quite active. A couple of the members were doing something else tonight and messaged to say they wouldn't be there, one saying she was really enjoying the book. Another (one of them who's moved away) messaged to say the same, gave her review and said how good it was. Another messaged to say she wouldn't be able to come as she was just leaving work. Nobody else (there would be another 4 besides me) messaged so I assumed they were coming and it was going ahead. So I turned up half an hour early so I could eat there first as I had just finished work too. Nobody else came. I messaged the group to say I was by myself, one (who'd already said she wasn't coming) sent an emoji 😥and asked if "someone can book for next month" but nobody else bothered.

Last month I couldn't get a word in edgewise and left thinking that if it didn't improve, I wouldn't come again. When we had a Christmas meal, I was the last to arrive (no berating for being late, I wasn't) and sat at the end of the table and wasn't really included in conversation.

I suggested the book so there would be something I could talk about a lot this time, and nobody came! I don't think it's personal in that they don't like me, more that they are so cliquey, but they're not nasty. I don't think I want to continue with this. I wish I hadn't wasted an hour and a half altogether travelling there, eating, then waiting around and going home irritated.

WWYD?

@WombatChocolate There used to be a woman who was the leader but she moved away last year. I remember once though after I'd been there about a year or two (before lockdown, it continued on Zoom through that) I'd read the book and suggested that we look at the book group questions in the back and she shut me down with a firm NO.

What twats. Agree with what you’ve done- move groups and leave them to it!!

@Catoo I sort of planned what I'd say, where I'd sit and who I'd engage in conversation the next time, sort of an experiment to see how it would work. Not every meeting was horrible, but I always felt the outsider to a different degree each time. I'd never have 'had the floor'. Last month we kept having to hear about grandchildren, dog walking and a TV show about barges from the same person and I'd switched off and decided to go home.

I think in future if you’re not enjoying a group then move more quickly. If they’re not your people don’t keep trying!

I wonder why they didn’t just say earlier so you could have the book meet on a different night?

They just sound thoughtless and bad mannered as a group

6 years is a very long time to still not fit in! It does make sense though because you don't live in the village and see each other daily like they do (only once a month), and they don't sound particularly deliberately inclusive either. Try another club with a different membership setup!

The one I am joining is city centre so there probably won't be that cliquey vibe.

Pretty rude of the ones who didn't send a message of cancellation! I'm sorry, that was horrible of them. Personally I'd message the group, "Hi I'm leaving the book group, it was nice meeting you all." Then switch to another book group. You might find that the original group folds.

So there's a group WhatsApp, 4 cancel & the other 4 just decide not to go?

That's really rude isn't it?

Would have been much better to postpone.

Sounds as if you are well out of it Op!

OP you’re sounding v bitter now. Clearly there have been things you haven’t liked and have irked you for a good while....but you’ve kept going.

It doesn’t sound like a friendly and inclusive group. So move on. A dignified short message is the grown up thing to do - and actually models the good manners and communication that you wanted them to show.

Try not to focus on individual sleights you think people have made or count up the annoyances or dwell on it all. Their poor behaviour is their problem, not yours, but you start to make it yours if you become bitter and angry or dwell on it - it’s you who will be hurt more.

i hope you find a new and welcoming group and one where you can quickly relax and feel comfortable, rather than on the eye-out for disappointing behaviour.

I'd consider deleting this WhatsApp

I agree. Well done op you sound great. Some groups just are not very welcoming, it happens .Hope film club good.

I don't agree.
However, being laughed at by that group would not bother me- and they sound entirely self-absorbed. I would always burn my bridges in a situation like this and walk away knowing I don't wish to return to the group/people and I have said why.

Bloody hell! 😂

Talk about a power trip – ruler of the book group 😂 They sound awful

I suppose it’s that thing where the remainder all thought everyone else was going – and were too lazy/whatever to bother messaging. Or felt awkward as a few other people had already cancelled so hoped to just quietly miss it

Huge hugs op, yes I probably wouldn’t go again, there’s only so much you can do sometimes. If it helps as an author who’s had to set up meet ups etc sometimes it is honestly just unlucky that everyone doesn’t get to something, that one by one everyone is taken that day/ night. But horrible x

I suppose it’s that thing where the remainder all thought everyone else was going – and were too lazy/whatever to bother messaging. Or felt awkward as a few other people had already cancelled so hoped to just quietly miss it

I think this is a possibility.

Still rude though as even if one or two others turned up you're still waiting for others.

Then when you realise no one else is coming & it's less than half the group do you cancel, carry on as you are already there?

Not that hard for someone to send a message asking "who is going tonight?".

Assume no if no answer!

@ColdGirlWinter I am not sure how old you are or if you work, but I would join a bigger group. Go a few times and see if it is friendly and inclusive. I belong to the U3A (I’m not young) and have found some groups reserve vacancies for their friends. They don’t make any attempt to operate a waiting list. As a result you know you won’t fit in. Most groups are much more welcoming and well run. So you need to suss people out. I also belong to the Arts Society and they have pleasant meetings too. I’m always happy to give a talk to my U3A groups and we tend to pass this around but the groups are 20 people so it’s not onerous. Others make the tea!

I hope you find the group for you. There will be one out there!

story of my life I’m afraid. Never have fit in anywhere.
things like this make me lonelier but I always go and then regret it afterwards.
I hope the new book club is better.

Definitely still rude

I'm not so sure. I've been in the same position with cliquey social groups in the past, and I've come to the conclusion some of them need telling. They may want to remain a clique, in which case yes they may just laugh, but social groups are meant to be just that - social. I think the proposed reply was fair enough personally.

Don't send a message. One person does know that you were there on your own. When you fade away, they'll know why.

I have had a few experiences like this where I'm peripheral to a group. Peripheral to several groups. Never sure why I don't have closer friends.

We live in a small village and were initially welcomed into the "clique" until they realised that one of our DC had SEN and then we were shunned at lightening speed. I'll never forgot having to walk down the school lane and try to pretend I wasn't desperately hurt. It's still going on now but they're a sad bunch of aging drinkers. I pity them rather than envy it.

Did she say why she was leaving?

Recently DH & I went into a small city bar before going to the theatre. It was packed with locals who lived within a 10/20 min walk. According to the looks we got you would think we landed from outer space. I'm sorry to say it happens in cities too. I hope you find a place you're made to feel more welcome. It's difficult.