Billy no mates at the book group WWYD?

[ColdGirlWinter]

Sorry after reviewing just realised how long this is!

I'm in a book group which I've been in for about six years. It's held in a pub in a village not far from where I live but about 10 minutes drive, just under three miles away and we meet monthly. All women, all who live in this village and who all know each other. Nobody has ever been rude to me, and some of them are really nice. There was a 'queen bee' character but she wasn't unkind, that status was more to do with the fact I think she set it up, but she's moved away. Another has just moved away too, and there's always been a whipround when they've moved. One of them was 60 recently and we did that for her too.

One woman in particular I really like a lot. But they are all very tight knit and do lots together, in couples, all know one another's families well etc. That's fine, I don't want to join in all of that though I have been to a couple of quizzes in the past which was very good. Sometimes however I am not listened to and can't get a word in (not always when talking about the book, when it is general chat) and I feel as if I don't belong. The pub is the only one in the village and they all frequent it a lot.

Tonight was book group, and I was the person who selected the book. There's a group WhatsApp and it's quite active. A couple of the members were doing something else tonight and messaged to say they wouldn't be there, one saying she was really enjoying the book. Another (one of them who's moved away) messaged to say the same, gave her review and said how good it was. Another messaged to say she wouldn't be able to come as she was just leaving work. Nobody else (there would be another 4 besides me) messaged so I assumed they were coming and it was going ahead. So I turned up half an hour early so I could eat there first as I had just finished work too. Nobody else came. I messaged the group to say I was by myself, one (who'd already said she wasn't coming) sent an emoji 😥and asked if "someone can book for next month" but nobody else bothered.

Last month I couldn't get a word in edgewise and left thinking that if it didn't improve, I wouldn't come again. When we had a Christmas meal, I was the last to arrive (no berating for being late, I wasn't) and sat at the end of the table and wasn't really included in conversation.

I suggested the book so there would be something I could talk about a lot this time, and nobody came! I don't think it's personal in that they don't like me, more that they are so cliquey, but they're not nasty. I don't think I want to continue with this. I wish I hadn't wasted an hour and a half altogether travelling there, eating, then waiting around and going home irritated.

WWYD?

I'm sorry to read what's happened. I moved a few years ago and have found it difficult to integrate into the local community. I feel tolerated but not welcomed. I use my local pub most weeks, but I'm not a 'regular' and have struggled to connect with people there.

A woman who moved here after me got a job for a few hours a week in the local shop during lockdown (a couple of other workers couldn't come in because it was too risky for them) and because she was there behind the counter talking to people she broke through the barrier and became one of the locals. So it can be done. But she slotted into the demographic here very neatly.

I think if you're single in a world of couples, or there's anything different about you — even something as minor as your accent — it can be difficult to get a foot in the door. I'd focus my energies elsewhere. They've behaved really badly. Let them go, seek out another book group — and other groups — which will be more welcoming.

That's not good OP - definitely find another book group. Who was down for picking the next months book? It's an absolute no no in my book club (going for 15 years so far) for the person picking next months not to show up. We meet in each others houses (you pick the book, you host). It works well for us and although people don't always attend all of them we usually average about. 10 people out of 13 in book club. No one has ever just not turned up.

I would leave the book group so that I'd be motivated to look elsewhere for something better. But I would book the table and send the message. Leave it perfectly politely so that they're the ones who look like the assholes.

Great message. I'd send that and then be polite if see any of them but never mention it again, as if it's not anywhere on your radar, unless someone else brings it up - they've been gently put back into their clique box and left there. Onwards and upwards

What Abeona said

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. Perhaps it wasn't deliberate on anyone's part (just a confluence of circumstances and last minute decisions), but I would feel it was time to move on with dignity. Your message is fine, no need to say anything else I don't think. I hope the new group is better!

I don't want to give anyone any satisfaction or opportunity to moan.

They are a clique - fuck em. I don't spend time with women who can only talk about children and grandchildren - too insular. Move on - you will find your tribe. Check out Meetup.

I hope the next book gives them all a paper cut@Chattysusan .
😂😂😂

I suspect a lot of people genuinely consider themselves welcoming and open to new friendships all while behaving just like this.

I can't believe you managed to stick it for so many years! And I don't think I could be as polite as you in handling my departure. It's definitely harder though, to bow out of a situation where the rest of the group members haven't been openly hostile or unwelcoming. At least if they had been rude or had blatantly ignored you the whole time, you would have known where you stood. That was like death by a thousand cuts - almost more cruel than outright nastiness. They subtly and persistently conveyed the message that you didn't fit in. I think they sound like a horrible bunch, not nice at all, and if I lived near you, I would welcome you to my book group any day of the week because you sound lovely (if I had a book group that is🤣)

I think your message is perfect. There's no point expressing your hurt IMO, as these people seem too self-absorbed to recognise that they have done anything wrong. If you were to write an emotional or angry message, they would probably just discount it and blame you for being unreasonable. Of course, you have every right to be hurt and angry, I just don't think it would achieve anything to let them know.

It's a shame that they have been so unwelcoming and unkind. I hope you have better luck with the book and film group.

That sounds like a pain - they're clearly wrapped up in their existing dynamic and as you don't live near them nor socialise with them you're not so important in their lives unfortunately. I think you might put in a tiny sting 'I assumed that the meeting was going ahead in the absence of other cancellations, which is why I sat there by myself waiting for 2 hours.' Maybe add that you've found another book club closer to home so you're leaving this one.

This is my theory (sorry everyone I'm having a rant. Mumsnet is like book club on speed).

Groups advertise they are open to new people as they want to attract or take over any useful people to socially climb.

Say Lord Snooty moves to the village, the Book Club Mafia want to get into his social circles.

If you just turn up as solo pleasant woman, and they eventually work out you are neither Lord Snooty or Lady Snooty or have no connections with Lord Snooty types, you have no use.

So if your face doesn't perfectly fit (single, not right accent, non-white, foreign, not the same look) you're evaluated and if its worked out you can't then be of service to the Book Club Mafia, you're of no interest.

I've had to restart my social network due to moving, which has been fine.

The reaction to me as "solo female" to "someone who can potentially bring a rich partner and their connections is often very, very different.

There genuinely are some decent spaces though, so I'd slowly find them, vote with your feet and put your energy there.

Might not be new besties straight away, but just an ok night out with OK chat can be fine.

Honestly, after 6 years I would stop wasting my time. Find a different book club or even start your own, or find a different hobby and group.

I think that can certainly be true. I struggled to understand it fully when I was living in a village where, despite doing all the ‘right’ things (volunteering, getting involved in local activities, helping out at school when DS attended around work, issuing invitations, being generally friendly), I just never really computed as a real person to the people who’d been born there.

I’d think they’d be astonished that I experienced them as ‘unfriendly’, because there was no malice. It was just a place with very little inward or outward movement, everyone knew everyone since childhood, and they simply weren’t used to the concept of ‘making friends’ because they’d been surrounded by their same circles since primary school.

I would either be factual (I was there last night for 2 hours by myself, those who couldn't come should have definitely let us know on Whatsapp, I know some did, but I assumed everyone else was coming) or don't bother at all, which would be my preferred option.

No booking tables, no sorting out their next book, no nothing.

I do also think you need to perhaps think through why you stuck it for so long! I was once in an NCT group like this and it took me ages to work out I didn't enjoy the nights out and it was only when my husband said, why don't you just not go, I realised there was an out. I wouldn't do that now, I'd be out of there much quicker. I hope the new film/book club is better- it sounds great, I like the idea of films as well, moving on will work out well for you.

Alternating a film and book sounds like just the kind of group I wish I could find. It won't hurt to check it out.

Book clubs can be weird. I left mine after ten years for personal reasons. Lovely women on the whole though. I sometimes miss it but aren't joining another one for all the reasons I left in the first place.

Same here.

It's not you, OP, it's them.

I think you're right not to say anything too flouncy or accusing or saying that you're leaving the group.

The problem with the timing is that it would look like you're throwing your toys out of the pram because no-one turned up last night, they wouldn't know that it was the straw that broke the camel's back after six years of being ignored.

@Gymnopedie I'll wait and see if they realise by November that they haven't seen me around!

I'd actually say that. 'It's really bad form not to let me know you weren't able to attend. I haven't really felt welcome at this group from the start, and this has helped me to decide it's time to leave so fuck you all cliquey no-lifes'

If you haven't already sent the message, I think adding the bit that @MarkWithaC has suggested would be a good way to let them know to be a bit more welcoming as they clearly haven't been so far!

@ColdGirlWinter You are very brave!
I too would have found that very hurtful.

My friend lives in a rural village {and has for the last 35 years} and said without children, it's tricky to be accepted.

Also.... as a ''Single woman'' you WILL be likely viewed as a threat to the other women's husbands {🧐}

As it's usually woman that do the inviting, a single woman will be left out.

This is what I was told.. seems pathetic, doesn't it, that women think their husbands are so desirable that a single woman would be interested in them!

Although affairs in her village were quite common.

Really good response, Marc!

Your username...There was a beautiful rescued Greyhound called ''Simply Marc'' {a female} who came to UK from a hellhole Greyhound Stadium in Macau.