Billy no mates at the book group WWYD?

[ColdGirlWinter]

Sorry after reviewing just realised how long this is!

I'm in a book group which I've been in for about six years. It's held in a pub in a village not far from where I live but about 10 minutes drive, just under three miles away and we meet monthly. All women, all who live in this village and who all know each other. Nobody has ever been rude to me, and some of them are really nice. There was a 'queen bee' character but she wasn't unkind, that status was more to do with the fact I think she set it up, but she's moved away. Another has just moved away too, and there's always been a whipround when they've moved. One of them was 60 recently and we did that for her too.

One woman in particular I really like a lot. But they are all very tight knit and do lots together, in couples, all know one another's families well etc. That's fine, I don't want to join in all of that though I have been to a couple of quizzes in the past which was very good. Sometimes however I am not listened to and can't get a word in (not always when talking about the book, when it is general chat) and I feel as if I don't belong. The pub is the only one in the village and they all frequent it a lot.

Tonight was book group, and I was the person who selected the book. There's a group WhatsApp and it's quite active. A couple of the members were doing something else tonight and messaged to say they wouldn't be there, one saying she was really enjoying the book. Another (one of them who's moved away) messaged to say the same, gave her review and said how good it was. Another messaged to say she wouldn't be able to come as she was just leaving work. Nobody else (there would be another 4 besides me) messaged so I assumed they were coming and it was going ahead. So I turned up half an hour early so I could eat there first as I had just finished work too. Nobody else came. I messaged the group to say I was by myself, one (who'd already said she wasn't coming) sent an emoji 😥and asked if "someone can book for next month" but nobody else bothered.

Last month I couldn't get a word in edgewise and left thinking that if it didn't improve, I wouldn't come again. When we had a Christmas meal, I was the last to arrive (no berating for being late, I wasn't) and sat at the end of the table and wasn't really included in conversation.

I suggested the book so there would be something I could talk about a lot this time, and nobody came! I don't think it's personal in that they don't like me, more that they are so cliquey, but they're not nasty. I don't think I want to continue with this. I wish I hadn't wasted an hour and a half altogether travelling there, eating, then waiting around and going home irritated.

WWYD?

I'd assume it's more lack of awareness rather than deliberate but it's still not nice. I'd send the message and mute the group. Then try the new group. Good luck!

I’d send the message and find a new group. How miserable they all are.

I agree with this

I wouldn’t send the message or say anything, but just leave the WhatsApp group and not go along again.

you need another book group. I was in one like yours and didn’t enjoy it, but now am in one which is the highlight of my month each month. We don’t have a set book but take turns to talk about whatever we have read since the last meeting.

I agree - do not send a message. Why are you doing their admin when they're barely aware you exist? Don't tell them you're on holiday, don't go again and leave the WhatsApp group.

Might bump into them? They probably wouldn't recognise OP!

Yeah I would not send a message either

i’d just go quiet

and leave the WhatsApp group in a month or so

booking the table and being their admin is much too subservient imo, and almost nobody respects subservient people

sad but true

I'd just leave the WhatsApp group and have nothing more to do with it. They know you were sat on your own so shouldn't be surprised if you go awol.

I agree with pp that it's thoughtlessness rather than deliberate, but either way it's still not nice. I'd join the other group.

Find another bookclub!

I agree.

No way I would have booked a table for them, why do that!?

I think it was just thoughtlessness too.

I think your message is great OP. It's taking the higher ground rather than looking like a tantrum because no one turned up. I wouldn't leave the group yet for the same reason. They are rude and thoughtless (some of them) but you can be calm and unemotional about them.

Part of me would tell them to take a long run off a short pier, and the other bit that I should be bigger than them!! I think I'd make a quiet exit (I would book, but that's it) and leave them to it, being the better person and not thinking them worthy of any more effort. Do unto others, unless they really piss you off, then let go with all barrels!

You were extremely kind more than they deserved to book the table.

I definitely would send the message. Hopefully it will let them see how horrible they have been and maybe they won't be so horrible to someone else in the future.

I think this is essentially a ‘private’ book group for a bunch of people in a village who already know one another and aren’t looking for new friends, so the only oddity is why it was (presumably) advertised as open to new members, otherwise the OP wouldn’t have known about it in the first place. If the OP hasn’t integrated in six years of regular attendance, for whatever reason, and the person who set it up has moved away so no one seems to be ‘in charge’, this happening isn’t surprising. A peripheral member’s book choice, several people already not attending, no one official feeling it’s their job to attend because the OP is alone etc.

I’m not unsympathetic, OP, but I’m surprised you’re surprised, if people talk over you and ignore you at meals out after six years. You’ve just reminded me of a time I tried to join a book group in a village we’d just moved to, which was advertised regularly in the parish magazine with an email address, but got a reply saying they weren’t accepting new members! I imagine it might have played out similarly if I’d joined. No one intending malice, just not wanting to bother with a new face in a place where everyone had grown up together, and just didn’t really get outsiders.

I'd be tempted to cancel the table and not tell them....but would probably chicken out and not do it. Childish and petty I know but they've not treated you well at all OP. I hope you find a lovely book group where you make some decent friends.

Sorry, meant to say, what about asking the woman you really liked if she fancies a coffee sometime? Just say you won’t be attending the book group any more and does she fancy a drink/coffee some time.

Sadly I think it is time for you to find a new book club. Ours is a little different in that we are all friends but not looking for new members as dynamics would change. We also host the day with food and drink though everyone brings food/drink as well. We agree a date ahead and stick with it unless ill etc and then we let everyone know.

Of course it is different for you in that you would be joining an established book club and not meeting at houses.

Good luck for future though.

@MmedeGouge Mix Tape by Jane Sanderson.
@Easipeelerie @stripeyoldcat I booked the table when I got there, before I knew nobody else was coming. The woman who normally does that had messaged to say she was just leaving work and couldn't come so could someone book the table so I did it whilst I was at the bar. (I just checked that message which was 18:38 and the pub's in walking distance. The meetings normally start with chat at 7.30 and book chat at 8pm so I think she could have come. I would have, anyway). Perhaps she didn't come because so many had said they weren't coming and she thought it wasn't worth it ...

Only problem with your message is it just doesn't make enough of the fact nobody had the decency to tell you they weren't going and just left you sat there. I'd want them to know exactly how shitty and thoughtless they were and that it was poor form.

I agree with @TheTartfulLodger. I wouldn’t let them get away with behaviour like that. You don’t need to get snotty OP or be rude what you wrote is fine but leaving someone on their own like that is nasty and they should know that. I’m all for calling out on bad behaviour though, I hope they feel ashamed of themselves. I hope you find another group OP and have a more positive experience.

@MyFirstLittlePony @RichardsGear I wasn't and don't do their admin or act subservient. I have never done any admin. Everyone got the message to say that a particular member wasn't coming and as she wasn't could someone else book the table for next time, which I did because I was already in conversation with the bar manager about the current booking. At that point I was over half an hour early and wasn't aware it was a party of one!

The ones who let you know aren’t at fault.

I’m guessing the others saw that some weren’t attending and decided not to bother. That’s very rude as it effectively cancelled your opportunity to discuss the book you’d chosen. Wiped out your turn.

I think I would stop going. They don’t value your input or your time. They are selfish, inconsiderate and rude.

I wouldn’t tell them that as bluntly but I would ask why none of them bothered to tell you they’d cancelled because A and B had other plans, why they let you travel there and sit waiting for them without saying a word.

You’ll probably get some piffling excuses but I wouldn’t waste any more time on them.

I honestly wouldn’t even bother sending a message. I’d just leave the group. It’s really inconsiderate of them and if it’s been that way for six years, it’s not going to change.

Ok I can see why you booked the table then. I doubt noone showing up has anything to do with you. Maybe you should go a couple more times, then leave on better terms than now if you still feel like you do. You sound like a nice person.