Billy no mates at the book group WWYD?

[ColdGirlWinter]

Sorry after reviewing just realised how long this is!

I'm in a book group which I've been in for about six years. It's held in a pub in a village not far from where I live but about 10 minutes drive, just under three miles away and we meet monthly. All women, all who live in this village and who all know each other. Nobody has ever been rude to me, and some of them are really nice. There was a 'queen bee' character but she wasn't unkind, that status was more to do with the fact I think she set it up, but she's moved away. Another has just moved away too, and there's always been a whipround when they've moved. One of them was 60 recently and we did that for her too.

One woman in particular I really like a lot. But they are all very tight knit and do lots together, in couples, all know one another's families well etc. That's fine, I don't want to join in all of that though I have been to a couple of quizzes in the past which was very good. Sometimes however I am not listened to and can't get a word in (not always when talking about the book, when it is general chat) and I feel as if I don't belong. The pub is the only one in the village and they all frequent it a lot.

Tonight was book group, and I was the person who selected the book. There's a group WhatsApp and it's quite active. A couple of the members were doing something else tonight and messaged to say they wouldn't be there, one saying she was really enjoying the book. Another (one of them who's moved away) messaged to say the same, gave her review and said how good it was. Another messaged to say she wouldn't be able to come as she was just leaving work. Nobody else (there would be another 4 besides me) messaged so I assumed they were coming and it was going ahead. So I turned up half an hour early so I could eat there first as I had just finished work too. Nobody else came. I messaged the group to say I was by myself, one (who'd already said she wasn't coming) sent an emoji 😥and asked if "someone can book for next month" but nobody else bothered.

Last month I couldn't get a word in edgewise and left thinking that if it didn't improve, I wouldn't come again. When we had a Christmas meal, I was the last to arrive (no berating for being late, I wasn't) and sat at the end of the table and wasn't really included in conversation.

I suggested the book so there would be something I could talk about a lot this time, and nobody came! I don't think it's personal in that they don't like me, more that they are so cliquey, but they're not nasty. I don't think I want to continue with this. I wish I hadn't wasted an hour and a half altogether travelling there, eating, then waiting around and going home irritated.

WWYD?

@Lurkingandlearning I think that's what happened, too.

OP I'm so sad for you. You sound lovely and I'd kill to be in a bookgroup with you. Please don't take it personally and I hope you find a nicer group to be with but don't flog this dead horse any longer. Best of luck in finding a new one

I’d just leave. They sound really thoughtless and I’d be very hurt in the same situation. Although tbh I probably wouldn’t have hung around as long as you have.

I think your message is ok to send - I’m not sure calling anyone out will achieve anything other than a spin off chat muttering about you! I’d mute the chat and get on with finding a new group then just drift away.

I agree. I'd cancel the table. How dare they be so ignorant and then expect you to do the bloody admin for them.

I'd leave the whatsapp group and think no more about it.

I'd call them all a bunch of obnoxious wankers and suggest they stick their 😥 up their they know what. Makes me cross just reading this.

I feel for you, I was in at book group a few years ago and felt like this - although no one was ever as unkind as these people and left you stirring on your own!! Ultimately, in my case, they were all a tight bunch of friends who socialised together from NCT days and although I knew them, I never felt like I was real part of it. I moved away and decided to leave the group
Anyway and on reflection, these people weren't really my friends, it always made me feel a little sad but they are not really my 'tribe' anyway and I don't miss feeling like a 'hanger on' or outsider! That wasn't good for my mental health really!

It sounds like you are not enjoying it and right to leave. Your message is calm an unaccuststory.

It's often the case with big groups that people assume others will go so they don't have to. That said it's holiday time at the moment so lots of cancellations to be expected. I think if you leave the group without saying why you will look like you flounced anyway.

Maybe just add a separate message saying its been lovely being part of the local group but you will not be joining in the future. Best wishes. Then leave.

That would really hurt me too OP, you deserved better than treated like that hope you can find one that’s a better fit and a lot more welcoming.

I don’t know what it is about book clubs, they seem to bring out the inner school child in people. I have been in two and in both it has been obvious there is an in crowd and the hangers on. Totally unnecessary and thoughtless. So sorry it happened to you too.

Agree that these people had no intention of being inclusive. How ghastly for you and very much their loss
Hope you fare better with the other group.

I get that you've got to stick at these things for a bit but 6 years and you're still being treated like you're invisible? Sack it off, leave the WhatsApp and stop wasting your energy on these people.

Well, yes, no fun for the OP, and she should move on if she’s not enjoying the meetings as an opportunity to talk about books, but I’d be surprised if the group considered it any way a ‘loss’ when it’s fairly clear they haven’t registered her as a person at all.

Yikes never been in a book club but have been considering....this is really off-putting! I agree with trying the new group instead.

But....if your book wasn't discussed because effectively the group didn't happen, surely it rolls over to next time?

I have to say I don’t think you’ve conveyed the hurt and embarrassment clearly. Sounds like you didn’t mind really!
It is shocking behaviour and they should be feeling really embarrassed. They won’t admit it of course and there will be lots of bitching about you and how it was all your fault
really. But deep down they will feel horrible.

@GreekVases I meant their loss in not even getting to know OP.

Don’t be put off. Book groups vary hugely in approach. I occasionally go to one at a local bookshop, which runs it, advertises it, and provides the space — books are chosen at each meeting for the next, by a popular vote from a shortlist of three provided by the bookshop manager, who also moderates the session.

I'm so sorry that you have been treated this way. You do indeed sound a lovely person and deserve better than this.
Head up, I hope that there is a group of welcoming people who will appreciate your good company.

I’m sorry people are so mean. I hope the next book gives them all a paper cut

This.
Leave them to it OP.
Awful women.

Maybe just add a separate message saying its been lovely being part of the local group but you will not be joining in the future. Best wishes

Then they will congratulate themselves on being a welcoming group. They never made you feel included so please don’t thank them for doing so!

Message is perfect, I'm mystified as to why they ever advertised as a book group as it was clearly never intended to include others. Maybe it was the original founder's idea. Maybe she was a bit stifled by village life. Don't go back. The Curzon group sounds great. If you bump into any of these when and they ask why, give a polite version of the truth but I wouldn't send anything further to the message you've already drafted.

I would ask whether there ones you got on with would like a drink directly though.

Hi OP! Sorry to hear they have been treating you badly. I think sometimes in a large WhatsApp group things can occasionally go wrong along those lines. I think your message is really good and I hope you get some sympathetic responses from the group. I think that is a really good idea to join the Curzon group. I love Curzon cinemas and hopefully the group will naturally be less cliquey as people will come from a wider pool! Enjoy your holiday and hope the new book club goes well!!!

Agree with this. I've definitely heard of the reputation of book clubs ;-).

But it's the people - if they were in a hiking group or a political group they'd be the same.

I'd say to keep on lightly trying a few more social things. Low expectations and don't stick it out for six years if its terrible!

I attend a big city one like the one mentioned above, completely professionally run...format is everyone has to say something at the start (prove you've read it!).

Chair watches for people who are nervous to speak out or first timers and makes sure they're picked.

Mix of men and women from different ages and backgrounds - I think blokes are better at just chatting to everyone and anyone.

I've worked out I'm probably better off having a longer journey time and getting a train in to city centre social events than trying to navigate the dynamics in smaller, insular suburban groups!

This may be me and down to how I am, but my experience is smaller, all-female groups can often be very hard.

You sound incredibly nice, OP. The book group sounds all wrong for you. They sound inconsiderate and ill mannered and frankly I’d just disappear from it. Not sure they deserve your considerations. If you’ve booked the table, fine, leave it at that. I’d send the briefest message saying that and then never bother with any of them ever again.