My DH and I are currently in different parts of the house with the doors shut after a huge row.
He retired (58) last year. I'm a bit younger and need to work till 60 to ensure a decent pension. I work from home three days of the week and he struggles to understand that I have a proper full-time job that can't be interrupted throughout the day.
He's really good at organising and project management. That was his field. He enjoys making things happen and he's great at it. His events have been really successful and given a lot of people a lot of pleasure. But not me!
Last year he organised three events (all for charity or the local community). For each of them he had a little team of volunteers. None of these projects were anything I'm involved or interested in, but he took it as read that I'd produce the posters and tickets and programmes etc ('No one else can do it, Wiz. It's your skill set, why are you so mean?') or write the press releases and send them out to local radio and TV and all the local media ('Oh, come on, Wiz, you know you're better at that than anyone on the team. You can do it in an hour, it'll take Miriam days and she won't do it half so well.') And then on the day of the event he expects me to muck in and cover everything that needs doing at the last minute. He seems to think he can just deploy me how he wants and he puts me in situations where I seem churlish if I say no. Last event the guy who was running the car park had an accident and couldn't stand out in the rain all evening. DH said in front of everyone that I'd do it. No discussion. Put me in a position that it was impossible to get out of without looking mean and churlish.
Every event has ended up with major rows and I've made it clear time and time again that they are his projects and I don't want to be involved. I've told him in no uncertain terms I'm not an extension of him: he can't just hold a meeting and tell people that I'll do this and that. And still he does it. He holds a meeting with the volunteers, asks who'll do this or that — and if no one volunteers he says I'll do it.
At the weekend he had the first meeting for the next project and decided that someone needed to write and design a flyer and then create a Twitter account and a FB account. No one there has the skills so he said I'd do it. We had a row about it on Sunday that completely ruined the day. I said no. He's just continued to ask me when I'm doing it. I didn't do anything yesterday. Today he was out till about 4pm and when he came home opened my study door while I was working and on the phone to a client, and bellowed 'Have you finished that flyer yet?'
I couldn't believe he'd talk to me like the worst kind of manager does. Massive row ensued. He says I'm unreasonable and partners should help each other out. I've said I will, for the knock-down price of £100 ph. I just get 'You could have had it all done on Sunday if you'd put your head down. We're a team, you have skills I don't have. This isn't for my benefit, it's for charity.' Apparently I'm bloody impossible.
This is a new behaviour. When he was working he had a team who worked to his instruction. Now he's not working he seems to have mistaken me for his team. How the fuck do I get through to him that I'm not here to help him? We've been married for nearly 30 years and up till now I would have said he's a reasonable person, but this is really doing my head in.