Anyone else have a partner who volunteers them without discussion?

[wizardofsoz]

My DH and I are currently in different parts of the house with the doors shut after a huge row.

He retired (58) last year. I'm a bit younger and need to work till 60 to ensure a decent pension. I work from home three days of the week and he struggles to understand that I have a proper full-time job that can't be interrupted throughout the day.

He's really good at organising and project management. That was his field. He enjoys making things happen and he's great at it. His events have been really successful and given a lot of people a lot of pleasure. But not me!

Last year he organised three events (all for charity or the local community). For each of them he had a little team of volunteers. None of these projects were anything I'm involved or interested in, but he took it as read that I'd produce the posters and tickets and programmes etc ('No one else can do it, Wiz. It's your skill set, why are you so mean?') or write the press releases and send them out to local radio and TV and all the local media ('Oh, come on, Wiz, you know you're better at that than anyone on the team. You can do it in an hour, it'll take Miriam days and she won't do it half so well.') And then on the day of the event he expects me to muck in and cover everything that needs doing at the last minute. He seems to think he can just deploy me how he wants and he puts me in situations where I seem churlish if I say no. Last event the guy who was running the car park had an accident and couldn't stand out in the rain all evening. DH said in front of everyone that I'd do it. No discussion. Put me in a position that it was impossible to get out of without looking mean and churlish.

Every event has ended up with major rows and I've made it clear time and time again that they are his projects and I don't want to be involved. I've told him in no uncertain terms I'm not an extension of him: he can't just hold a meeting and tell people that I'll do this and that. And still he does it. He holds a meeting with the volunteers, asks who'll do this or that — and if no one volunteers he says I'll do it.

At the weekend he had the first meeting for the next project and decided that someone needed to write and design a flyer and then create a Twitter account and a FB account. No one there has the skills so he said I'd do it. We had a row about it on Sunday that completely ruined the day. I said no. He's just continued to ask me when I'm doing it. I didn't do anything yesterday. Today he was out till about 4pm and when he came home opened my study door while I was working and on the phone to a client, and bellowed 'Have you finished that flyer yet?'

I couldn't believe he'd talk to me like the worst kind of manager does. Massive row ensued. He says I'm unreasonable and partners should help each other out. I've said I will, for the knock-down price of £100 ph. I just get 'You could have had it all done on Sunday if you'd put your head down. We're a team, you have skills I don't have. This isn't for my benefit, it's for charity.' Apparently I'm bloody impossible.

This is a new behaviour. When he was working he had a team who worked to his instruction. Now he's not working he seems to have mistaken me for his team. How the fuck do I get through to him that I'm not here to help him? We've been married for nearly 30 years and up till now I would have said he's a reasonable person, but this is really doing my head in.

Sounds like an adjustment period. Retirement always is.

But you're bringing out the worst in each other.

You need boundaries - because if you keep getting roped into things you don't want to do, you haven't really learned how to set boundaries.

If you absolutely want nothing to do with husband's activities, then commit to training Miriam or someone else for the basics and/or just set up flyer templates for other people to edit. And you probably already have just one FB for all events.

If it's about your time, then ask him to take on an extra responsibility to free up your time. It might be cooking, laundry, gardening, paying the bills - but something you'd appreciate not doing.

But seriously, if this is about husband's self-esteem and self-worth - just work out the boundaries of how much time and what you're willing to contribute.

You'd think after nearly 30 years, you two could work it out.

@wizardofsoz do what you would do with a child. No means, no, yes means, yes and there is no maybe. Strict boundaries, he's not running a team, he's in a equal relationship.

I would tell DH, again, to stop asking and stop volunteering you because you will not do it regardless of the pressure he is putting you under. I would let him know that people are gossiping about your marriage because he continues to falsely infer that you're part of the team. This is his project. If at some point you want to help out on a project, well that will be you're choice to make, not his.

Sorry you're going through this OP. He may have been a nightmare to manage at his job.

This doesn’t solve the wider issue and may have already been suggested but get him to sign up to Chat GPT and Canva and he can do all the work himself or another volunteer can if they don’t have the skills

Why don’t you go into the office 5 days a week during the course of this next project. It will draw the work/home boundary clearly in his head.

I noticed this too. The original post was so angry and damming of her husband’s behaviour (rightfully so). When people have responded in a way that is warranted by her post she’s taken umbrage. I’m not sure what the poster was looking for here.

Tell him to employ an assistant or look for someone also retired who wants that job.
He is gaslighting you into feeling bad about not helping him despite clearly saying you’re not interested. He is clearly not respecting your choices and you appear to not making your boundaries clear.
He sounds a bit of a bully too. He’s clearly missing working. Perhaps he should consider going back to work?
good luck

I feel many posters overreacted and didn't read OPs update to say that her DH had been a good partner for 30 years and had always treated her job of equal importance when sorting out childcare etc when the DCs were young.

To me it doesn't read like he is a bullying monster and the OP some submissive hausfrau, more like they are navigating new waters and the DH is finding it hard to adjust leaving paid employment.

Very few marriages are perfect, and often navigation and work is required.Whilst sometimes there is good reason for posters to shout LTB and advocate the single life, this didn't seem like one of them. Yes by all means put the guy back in his box, but doing it in a way that leaves him with a modicum of dignity seems a sensible way of doing things.

I am not sure op has been treated with dignity or respect, so why does she need to preserve his?

Jesus! What a man baby, thank god you left. That’s unbelievably selfish. Was an ass. I’m so happy for you.

but the OP has already made clear what she is prepared to commit (nothing) and her husband has behaved like a coercive bully. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED and is entitled to say no.

will that stop him volunteering her to stand in a rainy carpark or similar?

Funnily enough, when a number of strangers say really horrible things - far more horrible than in the OP - about someone a person loves dearly and has for 30 years, she finds them hurtful and upsetting and wishes to state the case of the person she loves.

This is deeply human and not sure why it surprises you?

And what she was looking for was, I think, advice on how to tackle the situation with him. Which I have deduced by the fact she has commented on such advice and updated accordingly.

I can also deduce that she wasn’t looking for her husband to be slagged off and called names.

Hello ops husband 👋🏻

Feel free to advanced search me if you truly think I am OP’s husband.

Otherwise, you are rather reinforcing my point about snarky comments.

First I'd get a lock on my office door so he couldn't just burst in and have tantrums and then I'd learn to say no and mean it.

An example, for the hard of reading, of the OP getting what she was looking for - advice - and appreciating it.

"Useful observations: makes complete sense to me. It gives us a good starting point to have a constructive rather than destructive conversation about what's going on. Thank you v much!"

I’d been with my partner a little over a year when he volunteered me to drive his mum up to Scotland for a funeral, in front of her. I hate motorways, I’ve barely driven outside of my county and all of a sudden I’m travelling 5 hours to another country. Luckily since then he’s not been such an idiot since 🤣

He sounds like he was a nightmare to work for, never mind manage. I bet there were some sighs of relief when he left.

This I do not disagree with!

I thought exactly the same!

We have all worked with these little men, the type of man that is so overbearing and micro manages everyone else driven by their ego and superiority complex.
They are unbearable to work with. Unbearable to live with.

And here we have the wife of one staring down the barrel of decades of retirement with understandable fear and concern, he isn’t diluted by other colleagues, lunch breaks, weekends or holidays - or an escape of any kind.
It’s a bit of a life sentence and everyone else was probably jubilant when he finally left!

Luckily since then he’s not been such an idiot since

Is that because you had a free and frank discussion with him about this behaviour? 🌹

yup. Its my guess that he has always been like it but its never been a problem because he had an outlet at work.