Anyone else have a partner who volunteers them without discussion?

[wizardofsoz]

My DH and I are currently in different parts of the house with the doors shut after a huge row.

He retired (58) last year. I'm a bit younger and need to work till 60 to ensure a decent pension. I work from home three days of the week and he struggles to understand that I have a proper full-time job that can't be interrupted throughout the day.

He's really good at organising and project management. That was his field. He enjoys making things happen and he's great at it. His events have been really successful and given a lot of people a lot of pleasure. But not me!

Last year he organised three events (all for charity or the local community). For each of them he had a little team of volunteers. None of these projects were anything I'm involved or interested in, but he took it as read that I'd produce the posters and tickets and programmes etc ('No one else can do it, Wiz. It's your skill set, why are you so mean?') or write the press releases and send them out to local radio and TV and all the local media ('Oh, come on, Wiz, you know you're better at that than anyone on the team. You can do it in an hour, it'll take Miriam days and she won't do it half so well.') And then on the day of the event he expects me to muck in and cover everything that needs doing at the last minute. He seems to think he can just deploy me how he wants and he puts me in situations where I seem churlish if I say no. Last event the guy who was running the car park had an accident and couldn't stand out in the rain all evening. DH said in front of everyone that I'd do it. No discussion. Put me in a position that it was impossible to get out of without looking mean and churlish.

Every event has ended up with major rows and I've made it clear time and time again that they are his projects and I don't want to be involved. I've told him in no uncertain terms I'm not an extension of him: he can't just hold a meeting and tell people that I'll do this and that. And still he does it. He holds a meeting with the volunteers, asks who'll do this or that — and if no one volunteers he says I'll do it.

At the weekend he had the first meeting for the next project and decided that someone needed to write and design a flyer and then create a Twitter account and a FB account. No one there has the skills so he said I'd do it. We had a row about it on Sunday that completely ruined the day. I said no. He's just continued to ask me when I'm doing it. I didn't do anything yesterday. Today he was out till about 4pm and when he came home opened my study door while I was working and on the phone to a client, and bellowed 'Have you finished that flyer yet?'

I couldn't believe he'd talk to me like the worst kind of manager does. Massive row ensued. He says I'm unreasonable and partners should help each other out. I've said I will, for the knock-down price of £100 ph. I just get 'You could have had it all done on Sunday if you'd put your head down. We're a team, you have skills I don't have. This isn't for my benefit, it's for charity.' Apparently I'm bloody impossible.

This is a new behaviour. When he was working he had a team who worked to his instruction. Now he's not working he seems to have mistaken me for his team. How the fuck do I get through to him that I'm not here to help him? We've been married for nearly 30 years and up till now I would have said he's a reasonable person, but this is really doing my head in.

You have my sympathies. DH is older than me, retired/SAHD and was chair of the PTA for years. I work full time and it nearly ended me.

Stick to your guns. Get outside counselling if you need to. Tell him when you are retired you will be delighted to take up charity work but do not back down.

I would consider going to some counselling or mediation if he is not getting the message. He is embarrassing you into doing his work. That is so unfair and cruel, YOU ALREADY HAVE A JOB!

Also, it’s no wonder he was/is so good at organising events, he is a total bully boy.

Just keep repeating, ‘ NO, I don’t have time, I have other work on’ or go to the opening meeting and stand up to say ‘good luck with your event, just to be clear, as I explained to John I will not be helping out in any way as I have a project at work and have no time to help this time’

It’s bad that he is using you like this, but worse is that he is not listening to you. He is a domineering bully and I’m wondering if you would find it helpful to read the book ‘you are not the problem’ and see if he checks off any other boxes for narcissism because it sounds like you might be in trouble.

Does he know that people are gossiping and saying unkind things about you OP?

If I'd inadvertently made people think badly of my DH, I'd be making sure they knew the truth (and apologise to him!)

I would spell it out to him that not only is he damaging your marriage by treating you like an underling, but also damaging your reputation. He needs to advertise for a publicity and marketing volunteer or learn how to do it himself.

Agree with other posters, he is not respecting you & your needs, it is all about him. He has probably got so used to treating employees that way. I think it is fine for him to ask, if you have the time and want to, but he also needs to accept a no. I would be really cross if my dh ignored that no and tried to guilt trip into doing something anyway by telling other people I was doing it. This is also probably a behaviour that he used successfully at work to get his own way. He doesn’t sound like a very nice or inclusive manager, he probably annoyed people at his work too!

I think the only thing you can do is to continue to say no if you don’t want to do something and say to people politely you are very busy with work and that they should talk to your dh if they call you, he is responsible for this and not you - just don’t engage in long conversations with them. This is a problem he has created and that he needs to resolve, the only way you will get him to change is for him to realise it is his problem and not yours.

Assuming he is fit and healthy, he has retired and misses organising and getting things done and the accomplishment of his plans coming into fruition.

These charity events that he starts make him feel useful, productive and appreciated at a time where he simply doesn't have anything better to do. (In his mind)

It's a shame he is constantly roping you in when you have no time or desire to be involved.

I retired early at 49 and absolutely love it, but initially there was a comedown as suddenly I wasn't anyone 'important' anymore.

Loss of status should t be underestimated and I imagine it's harder for your husband if he doesn't have any hobbies or interests other than charity events.

It's just going to keep happening and spoil what appears to be a good marriage.

You have to flat out refuse to help the moment he mentions the next one tell him that this is his time in life to organise charity events but it's not your time and might never be. You're working full time and his distractions calling you for favours are making you unhappy as it's added stress and time consuming.

It sounds like he has become anxious in wanting to organise these events and is putting unfair pressure on you to be involved and help him.

Perhaps he needs to explore other ways of feeling important and accomplishing things by himself that don't involve relying on you or other volunteers.

Some sort of trekking through the Andes or building a boat or a kit car! Anything to give him a purpose.

It's difficult as why it's horrible for you, I also feel a degree of sympathy for him as he giving up your career can make you feel lost at first.

I also would put the ball back in his court ‘John is forever promising I will do things, he volunteered me for directing traffic at the last event. It’s getting embarrassing now!!’

Oh gosh this is a situation I had to struggle out of too, but pre-kids, when DH filled his time with volunteering and saw me as an extension of him, and of course I wanted to spend time with him!

I did manage to step back, I usually say "I've done my bit for charity by donating my husband!" I think you have to be firm with people and maybe throw in a few "oh I know nothing about that, John must be doing it".

But I'm well aware that people think DH is the wonderful one and I'm not. What they don't see is that I do all the home and child admin so he can do the charity work. But to be honest it's the price I pay for being able to do my full time job without interruptions!

He puts his hand up to be in charge of these projects…..let him get on with it. He seems to like a support crew. His expectations are decidedly arrogant, and then on top of that to be angry when you repeatedly say ‘no’! His project, his job to work out how to get it done…… that or don’t volunteer.

Next time I'd go to the volunteer meeting with him. The moment he says you will do it I'd stand up and say no you won't. You go to work and don't have the time. You could even suggest as he's retired with lots of time he could do it himself. No means no.

In his head his is still in ‘work mode’ not retirement mode.
Also it sounds like his is used to running a team and is now directing his energy towards you in this regard.
I agree about standing your ground.
but also a conversation around your marriage and your roles together is in order. You are not a resource for his volunteering.
His volunteering sounds wonderful - but it’s his responsibility not yours. Just as his job before was his responsibility not yours. I’m betting he never asked for help with his job in the past.
Good Luck OP I hope it settles down. It could very well be part of his adjusting to retired life. But you are totally within you rights to not get involved in his volunteering

But the OP isn't part of his volunteering, she has a paid job which takes up her time and hasn't agreed to be part of what he does.

Caving in to his bad behaviour would set a very bad precedent.

I would tell him two things:

1. What you said about about him not having the skill set to manage volunteers and that you think he needs to have some training for this if he's going to continue, because I'm sure you're not the only person he's upsetting

And 2. He cannot bully you into doing anything, by demanding you time, by putting you on the spot in front of people or by getting others to call you and if he does so, you will call it out as bullying. "I'm sorry Susan, H has been trying to bully me into this for a while now and I've told him that work is just so busy at the moment that I can't fit it in. I'm afraid getting you to call is just another one of his bullying tactics, which I'm sure you don't want to be a party to as I know you're not a bully Susan, are you?"

Essentially, you need to highlight to him that every time he volunteers you for a job, he's demonstrating his own incompetence at the job and that he's a bully. Neither make him a good manager and both make him a bad husband.

He needs training (& possibly couples counselling) for both.

Honestly lovely, you ought to have absolutely handed him his arse when he burst in on your work call. He made you look unprofessional

My sympathies OP, my DH was like this despite the fact that I worked 50 hour weeks and he did sweet fa at home.
The final straw was when he volunteered me to make two 80’ glider wing covers for his flying club.
i was incandescent when our ‘trip out for coffee’ was to the flying field for me to measure them up 🤬
He thought I was being very unreasonable.

He just likes all the glory without any of the graft.
I wouldn’t care who I upset I wouldn’t care if the village were gossiping I would tell him no every single time. Don’t give in.

This is an uncomfortable read. Sounds like he needs a new part-time job. At 58 he could have a looong active retirement ahead. He needs to find better outlets or ways to manage his energy.

You've told him. You need to focus on your PR now - and use his team to spread and reinforce your message, not his. 'John's having difficulty adapting to retirement, he's used to having a team of employees around him. Sounds like he's bitten off more than he can chew!'

He needs to go through the discomfort of failing to deliver what he'd promised. That's the only way he'll learn and change.

Do not get into lengthy conversations with his volunteer team. Refer them straight back to him. Adopt a demeanour of long-suffering, affectionate pity, not of shame or responsibility. 'Oh dear, has he done it again? That was silly, I thought he'd have learnt after the last time... John doesn't always think things though, does he?'.

They need to learn to turn his expectations back on him. Not allow him to misdirect them.

I may have had this type of discussion with my DH although he doesn't actually volunteer me for stuff - he just declares that, for example, food will be provided at events then assumes I'll jump to and do it. I've had endless discussions about how it's not just about turning up on the day and serving a bit of tea/cake/soup/hot meal. It all needs ingredients buying, cooking and quite often I'm serving in places with no facilities at all, eg. In a field, so I need to gather equipment too!
DH is about to retire. I've told him that once he does, I'll hand all catering for his voluntary roles over to him as they are HIS voluntary roles.

For his birthday or Christmas can you buy him on a Microsoft course (or whatever application you use), so he can produce these posters himself? I know you'll have years of experience, but it's a start.

All of this. People are thinking the worst of you now and it's down to your dh. He's a bully.

Thank you for this, and for acknowledging that we're going through a major life transition. He has a lot of things going on: he's been very busy doing DIY projects and gardening since he retired. We have new paths, new sheds, and a lot of new planting. He does some childcare for our daughter, he goes away touring Europe on his motorbike with some of his male friends and belongs to a cycling group. He's playing golf this morning. He's not one for sitting down watching TV. A friend of mine, knowing what I'm going through, has suggested he join the Rotary Club or similar where he'll meet other do-ers like him and won't have to look to me for back-up.

To those of you saying 'You're not a team, you're two separate individuals' yes, I get that. But we've been married this long because we have for years worked as a team when it comes to family stuff. We've supported each other to achieve our individual goals for many years. There was a period when our daughter was a teen when I had a job that took me away from home regularly and he had no issues being flexible. We have a hinterland of both stepping up to get a job done when necessary — and I think that's why he's assumed that I'll step up now.

He went to sleep in a separate room last night and has just grunted at me over the kettle this morning. I'm actually going into to office later this morning and he's going out playing golf so perhaps when we both get home things will have died down. I have no doubt his golfing friends will hear all about hiw difficult I'm being.

Someone upthread mentioned being in the PTA. I have a friend from years back who was a school governor and used to bring it all home to her husband and dump on him. I can remember her thinking that that was what he was there for, to listen to her woes. At the time I might have agreed, but now I see it very differently. I wonder how many marriages voluntary work destroys?

And yes there will be courses in managing volunteers he could do. It's a very different skill. And no doubt he'll always want to be the manager.

Though that's another thought to plant. If getting people to do what he wants is so hard and frustrating, maybe a hobby that is 'just for him' would be nice? Mix it up a bit.

Good luck OP - I hope you make up with him later and he realises that he's being unreasonable. Maybe show him this thread??

Keep saying no and when the next event is imminent take yourself away for a few days.

I'd also be locking my door. He's turned into a twat who needs to get himself another job.

I can see why he is the Ex

It is a huge life transition - everyone I’ve seen go through this has struggled for the first few years.

When my DH retired from 20+ years in the military we had a bit of this. I had to sit him down and tell him I know he was used to ordering people around, and that this was a huge transition, but I would not put up with him ordering me around. He slipped back in to it once, we had a conversation where I was less calm about it, and it didn’t happen again.

Have you told him you feel like he’s trying to manage you? The point above somewhere - that you may be a team but you have to be equal and he’s trying to be captain - is an important one that he needs to hear.