Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

I am trying I heal him and help him even at my own detriment that is not about me. I do love him and I have treated him poorly. I’m trying to help him.

Im glad youve found him and hes safe.

Just get the divorce underway, make it fair 50:50 is the starting point. He needs to have 50% of the house sale after fees. You want him to be able to get his own place so he has somewhere safe for DD to go to? Crikey op, youve made a real pigs ear of all this. Lets hope you can turn this around. Every decision you make you need to consider DD first and foremost. apply for the divorce online £600. Get three valuations for the house ready to sell

if you both get on with it, you could be divorced in 12 months

The truth is that now I do not want a divorce and don’t feel I ever did. I feel I pushed for it before but I just wanted to fix things and didn’t do it the right way. But now I fear with how badly I have treated him and by making him stay outside in such a way there is no way back for me to fix this for him.

This post is about me yes. Because I know now how much I do love him and the mistake I have made. He is an incredible man and a perfect father. And I have ruined a good thing.

I cannot see how he would want to stay married to you and the baying mob of your family and friends following this! This is a very toxic relationship which imo needs to end.

Too little too late in my opinion. He has clearly seen sense and realised just how bad you and your horrific family are. I do hope for his own sake he never ever goes back to you and I hope this is a life lesson for you to realise the family you create should come before the family you came from. Now that is not to say you can't have a relationship with your family, but letting them be horrible and toxic towards your husband and control your life is absolutely unacceptable !!

Sounds more like a cult than a family. OP sounds brainwashed.

Couldn't have put it better myself !

Thank goodness the DH has been found and is somewhere safe. The poor man has been betrayed by his brother, is grieving for his mum, and has been pushed out of the family home to sleep in the streets. What he has gone through is harrowing and I hope he gets the chance to start again on a happier path. Really pleased he was taken in by his female friend and he has someone in his corner. Best wishes to him, he has been in my thoughts this week x

I don't just think it would be foolish for him to stay in a relationship with you, I think it would be dangerous.

Because the way your family have persuaded you to treat him (though you are ultimately responsible for this, despite positioning yourself as a passive participant in the situation) is dangerous. For his mental health and literally now his physical health as he was forced to be homeless.

It's unthinkable.

Your poor daughter trying to navigate her childhood around the toxicity of your family. They are genuinely awful. Cruel.

If you continue to live under their demands and commands, they'll expect your daughter to do the same. You know that, right? Is that the life you want for her?

You clearly have overshared your marriage issues with your family which has turned them against him. You have many times said he was moody, depressed, but also describe in the arguments- they are not fights when they are not physical- that you basically gave back what you got. You seemed quite happy at some point to not let him see his DD, but now describe him as a perfect father. You seem to lack control of your own life and have no agency. You did all you did on your parent's sayso, and your solicitors says, when you could easily have said no to both.
You have no trouble saying no to the man you love rather than your family, and even your solicitor. He now knows he's low down in the order of who you care for.
I think he has got a lot of sympathy on here because he has done everything you asked of him since leaving and not challenged it, which he had a right to.
If he wanted to come back he legally could of at any time, you got lucky he didn't. I suspect he saw you with your sister, knew she would of been turning the knife into him while out, and went easily because he'd reached his limit and was fed up with years of their criticism of him. Just how many years have you been giving them chapter and verse on your difficulties, fanning the flames? You have brought this on yourself, you chose your family over the family you created together.
Hopefully, he can get a solicitor to act in the interest of his rights which so far he has let you tread all over.

I do appreciate what you are all saying. And in truth I fully agree. I have been beyond nasty and unloving. Beyond a poor wife.

i have listened to my family over him. Made him suffer most of all for both our problems.

i know i have no right to ask for his forgiveness. But I can at least help him somewhat with what is about to come. However hard that may be.

i so wish he could forgive me. But I am doing what I should have done before and put his health and mental well being before my own.

i am just sorry it has come to this.

but I do appreciate you all being honest with me even if it is to my own detriment and against me.

I think regardless of the outcome with your husband you really need to prioritise getting some individual therapy to figure out why you’re so enmeshed with your parents and sister and why you prioritise them over your husband and child.

Have you made a bet with someone that you can start a thread on MN and get it up to 40 pages? If so, you're doing very well. 👌

I appreciate the sarcastic comment but this is peoples lives and while you may think what you think I am trying to fix my mistakes and help a vulnerable man that I have damaged even more.

Have you ever had therapy OP?

I think if you saw a decent professional and explained what has happened during your adult life when it comes to your family dynamics and also relationship, it could be life changing for you.

And it's something you really need to do for your daughters sake.

Because they will be expecting her to be completely under their control and behave as they demand, because that's the precedent that's been set by you.

You're just playing the role of martyr now.

You're acting like you think your only options were to suppress your unhappiness and stay in this relationship for his and your DD sake, or to put yourself first and complete annihilate this man and take everything from him. Well, those weren't and aren't your only options.

Separating maturely and peacefully is putting yourself first. And it also benefits everyone else because they no longer have to be unwilling participants in the toxic drama of your relationship.

Exactly this. No one is telling you that you have to put your husband’s happiness before your own, just that you should treat him with the decency that he deserves.

Also, stop blaming your friends and family. You've been dripping poison into their ears for years. It's no surprise they hate your ex. They want him gone and can't understand why you keep staying with him after painting them such a terrible picture of him.

This is an issue I’ve noticed with various people in my
life. They go to their families/friends every time there is a disagreement complaining about their partner and what an awful person he is etc etc, and are then surprised that their families hate their partner.

Yep. I think most of us have/had a friend like that. Someone who constantly complains about their partner and relationship. Tells you all their one-sided issues. Gets you all riled up on their behalf. But nothing ever changes.

Except you can't stand their partner. You get fed up hearing about their dramas. And you look forward to the day they finally split up. Which they don't because they don't actually want to leave. They just want to rant and get sympathy.

you sound about as genuine as rishi apologising for leaving d day commemorations early
either this whole thing is fake or you are a very dangerous narcissistic individual
my mum has abused me (full on beatings and other stuff that is utterly disturbing). she fake apologises to me all the time. you sound exactly like her.
no one is falling for your bullshit

You have been constant with the overly aggressive nasty comments towards me from the start,

I know you don’t agree with how I’ve handled things. In hind sight I don’t either.

But you yourself are just as nasty. You can see I am trying to help him after admitting my own mistakes.

instead of being that way try and offer me advice.

Are you not concerned OP that your daughter is being raised in a dynamic where your parents are effectively in charge, rather than you and her dad? You do what they tell you and your husband has to either go along with it or be punished (in their eyes).

Do you see how damaging it will be for your daughter to grow up with a close relationship to them? You need some therapy so you can protect her from the utter toxicity they create and you enable.

@CarterOL you've been on this thread for days, what are you achieving?

I suggest you come off this and do something constructive with your life.

FGS @CarterOL stop talking about trying to "help" him. Allow him back to the home that's half his if he needs to be there, otherwise sell up and divide. Whatever, find a way of moving forward that doesn't need the approval of your wretched family. You seriously sound like a child in how you relate to them, rather than an adult and a wife and mother.

Rather hoping this is a load of overegged nonsense, but in case it isn't .