Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

I know pushing a man out to live homeless or with no actual home is awful and I have done a bad thing. I know with his medical condition as well on top it’s just appalling.

I can’t begin to explain how few people care about this in my circle. My family are pushing me to get divorced as soon as I possibly can. They are pushing to do everything including lie to try and get the most money from the mortgage as I paid more bills than he did though had spent more on the family each month.

im fighting a dreadful battle with these people and I don’t know if I have the strength to win

You can see I am confused in what I say that is because it has happened so quickly. We even told my husband he is not to see his child and yet he has done nothing other than be mentally unwell and talk about suicide but yes he would do.

this is so wrong what have I done?

So much bullshit 😂

To me this reads like a reverse, if it’s true at all.

Whats worse is (if it’s true) the Op admits to abusing her husband, admits to planning on continuing abusing him, planning on trying to block any attempt for him to have access to his child or the assets he is entitled to based on nothing. And @mnhq are letting it remain up.

An abuser, admitting abuse and planning future abuse. That’s what this factually is. And it’s staying up

I did report early on, thinking it was a troll, but MN wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I think it’s gone beyond that now.

They can control you better if he’s not around.
Use your own mind. Why are you so influenced by other people’s opinions? Not very pleasant people at that. Grow a backbone.

You are honestly sick in the head. Your an abuser and I'm reporting this post.

Surely this isn't real?

I think you need some professional help @CarterOL - Can't quite believe what I'm reading.

Tell your family/friends to back off for the time being. Tell them you need some time eg a week and not to message you/pop round.

This is madness the control they have over you and you willingly allow it. You know if you dont comply to their wishes, with seemingly all this power over you, they might turn on you next and declare you incapable of looking after their GC. The next campaign of terror might be to lie to SS and take GC off you. How would you feel about that? Take a stand now

You need to say something like ‘I know our marriage is over but he’s the father of my child and he is ill, and needs help. This is my marriage, and I am grateful for your help but I need to deal with this in my own way’.

The only time OP has shown any sign of life/anger is when I posted that her nn is an anagram for Care trol. How odd.

So your friends and family are as cruel and manipulative as you are? You need to go outside of your circle because you have surrounded yourself with toxic people.

Did you ever tell your best friend that you are equal in the shouting and you are just as bad as your husband? Or did you play the victim here as well?

You are not trying. If this is real, then you continue to be a cruel bitch who is causing untold harm to her husband and daughter. But then you don't seem to care.

Because that one total rubbish. Lana is an anagram for anal doesn’t mean I’m bending over.

Yes, people separate everyday. No, they don't do it like this. They do it fairly, respectfully, equally.

I’m trying and it may not be to your standards and I may be making many mistakes but I am trying

It's the standards of basic decency and humanity. People argue, it doesn't feel great but it happens. It doesn't give you the right to throw him out and it doesn't change the law.

You have to live with your own actions at the end of the day. And know that you've behaved like a decent human being.

Point made.

Whose standards?

Believing you shouldn't abuse your partner is the bare minimum.

I didn’t see it as abuse but I do see it as a heartless act that has made him suffer

i fear he is not answering his messages because he hates me. And rightly so I imagine yes. He has not made contact with my solicitor either

So @CarterOL you say you're trying. What's the plan today. What steps are you taking to 'try'? Have you found him? Have you told your family your thoughts and that you'd like them to take a step back? Have you instructed your solicitor to step down?

Question..I have a ds the same age as your dd. My ds notices if his dad is late home from work, nevermind if he didn't come home at all. So, where does your dd think her dad is? What have you told her? She must miss him surely?

On another note, no company would employ OP as a PA as her writing skills are truly appalling. So another lie. This is got to be a totally made up story.

Might have had his phone stolen. You need feet on the ground and looking for him. Go and speak to anyone who looks like they’re sleeping rough. Ring all his mates to see if anyones seen him. Visit homeless shelters. Show them photos of him.

have you even done the bare minimum and reported him missing to the police?

I think it's clear what the op is telling her dd, that daddy left because he didn't love them enough. Its obvious that is how she's framed it in her own head.

It’s a new day and after work I will look again and ask.

My DD knows that her daddy and mummy were unhappy and he had to go away. Shes asked about him at times but has tried to conform me. Shes been very strong. She has had a few behaviour episodes but nothing bad. I can see the hurt in her eyes though that her daddy isn’t her but even if he was violent and everything was ok I would see that .

that is just not true why on earth would i say that? How is that even remotely a fair thing to say? It’s a child.

I'm going to respond, despite my reservations as It's really triggered me and I'm extremely concerned for your Husband.

OP, there are some similarities with our situation, which I'm not going to go into, but here are my observations, which you can take on board or not.

• Your parents/friends/family only know what YOU tell them. If you know they're likely to react like this, then call a helpline - there are lots out there and they are totally impartial.

• The Solicitor/you/your family are clearly going down the "you and his DD are at risk because of his mental health" route - at that point, you should have (or maybe you did) pointed out that you weren't in any danger as it's just been arguing over petty things. They should have informed you where you actually stand legally, not just sending your parents opinions on their letter headed paper.

• Your DH will NOT have the energy to argue his case or fight with you to stay in the house, or even for your relationship (which hopefully he's realised how awful you are) - especially given he has NO support and he's fighting against you AND your whole family and friends. YOU asked/told him to go and would have probably called the police had he not left, so he was in a no-win situation.

• Your Husband's mental health is clearly so severe that this could very well throw him over the edge. He's had no access to his basic needs, which will 100% have made him spiral further.

• you need to get out of the mindset of "letting" him come home or what that will look like to your family - this is NOT about you "taking him back" or how your family feel, this is about a man with numerous issues living in his own home, safe and having his basic needs met.

• It's extremely cruel to have acted in the way you have. You say your solicitor has emailed, or that you've text etc etc, when the chances of him having the strength to action anything or to be able to do anything about it is very slim. He may not be able to work out that those letters are basically threats rather than the current legal situation. You are literally doing the version of abusing a dog when it's down.

• Your Husbands mental health needs to come first and it's up to you to tell your family to back off. How you do that is your problem.

• Going forward, I think you're going to have many problems with your DD and your family - especially if she is like her DDad.

I hope your Husband is able to get the support he desperately needs.

You are a vile, cruel and abusive person, who keeps changing the story to suit your own needs and to get the sympathy you want.

Grow the fuck up and report your Husband as extremely vulnerable and missing, immediately!!