Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

This thread has gone very quiet. Fingers crossed for a decent outcome OP x

I did reach out yes. I have been to see him today and we chatted. He is ok. Mentally as you can imagine very confused and hurt. And I have done this.

We talked together for over an hour. I have asked about mediation and a way forward to discuss our problems. I have even discussed couples therapy. He was sleeping rough at first but had been staying with a friend. A girl. But there is no romance she was just helping him.

I know now what I did was cruel and has damaged him in irreparable ways that he may never forgive me for. But I have offered him a place back home so that he can stay and heal. And maybe I can help him to heal.

But as I said my parents and sister have shouted. They have told me I am wrong and that he has no right to be offered these things. In my mind I made a mistake and if I have to fight them over it I will. This is the humane choice and something I should have done too long ago.

Hopefully the girl is a potential partner, they will hopefully bond as he recovers.

I'm glad and very relieved that he is safe. don't think you should try to repair the relationship. the kindest thing is to let him go.

you have a LOT of work to do on yourself and on the very toxic relationship you have with your family.
he needs to seek counselling... separately from you.

don't try to manipulate him back into a relationship with you. that ship has sailed.

People here aren't telling you to let him back in because they think you should work on your relationship. It is the opposite, in fact. You should not be trying to continue this relationship. It is not a good relationship. It needs to end. The reason people are saying to let him back in is because he has the right to stay in his own home while you separate and divorce.

I know. Deep down I know. I let this man who I claimed to love for so many years down completely.

I have let him down, and made a mockery of our relationship. I am ashamed of my actions truly.

I do not see him wanting to continue with me in honesty which many or all here will be happy to hear. But I will try to give him the support I should have done before and let him make this decision.

For now he is staying at this ladies house in a spare room. He is safe. He is ok. That is a start to something whatever it may be.

Has he got his work stuff, clothes etc now?

I am dumbfounded by this thread . It is proving almost as traumatic as Baby Reindeer .

Has he got his things now? This poor man.

Your family are cruel. Utterly toxic and cruel.

He is currently taking leave from work so this isn’t a concern for him for now. Clothes I have arranged a time to take him some more. The hope is he will at least come back and stay until we can move on in some way.

I know he should not take me back. But right now my parents are angry with me and I have had my father shouting at me multiple times for getting in contact at all.

@CarterOL don't you feel like hanging up? I always do when my mother has a screeching fit!

Of course. Even more so when he is constantly nagging at me for not helping them enough with what they need.

You know he shouldn't take you back? But because your parents are angry with you, you want him too?

Have I read that correctly?

No. It’s his choice what he does. My parents are angry because I’ve tried to help him not because I would take him back.

That’s how bad it is.

Why do they hate him so much? So much that they want him on the streets with nothing?

They dislike him because of our fights and how upset it made me. No more reason for them. So much so that if I show any emotion around them that I am concerned they start being very aggressive towards me and tell me no.

Just hang up. I can't stand irrational screaming.

One of your friends should be safer to confide in.

@CarterOL judging at how you have presented yourself on here, I can actually understand how your parents might hate your husband. You came on here looking for sympathy. You expected people to feel sorry for you the way your parents do. You actually said yourself 'what about me?' when you didn't get the reaction on here that you wanted - the sympathy vote. It's shocked you that you haven't had a single response that is supportive of you.

It's either 1 of 2 things in my opinion.

In the eyes of your parents, you can do no wrong. You are their perfect daughter so of course they hate anyone that upsets you. You are their little perfect angel, their pride and joy. No man will ever be good enough for you....or your parents.

Or you have over exaggerated for years about these so called fights with your husband to your parents. Constantly playing the victim. Crying to them. Telling them how awful he is. Maybe enough is enough to them now but obviously they can't see that the only real victim in this is your husband.

Hanging up only works when it’s the phone. We call live in the same small area so it is difficult.

i promise i am trying to do right by him.

and if i could give some advice to anybody knowing what i do now it would be to put others first even if it means you may make things difficult for yourself. I put myself and my sister/parents above my DH and DD and they both suffered for it.

i may not be able to salvage the mess i have made but i made be able to help him heal from the pain I have caused.

I think you need to communicate to them (by letter? If they aren't listening) that you and H hit a brick wall as you were winding each other up but it's not good for your daughter, he is her father and you're trying to arrange an amicable split for her wellbeing.

The worst detail I can’t get past right now is that listening to what everybody else has said showed me one thing but it’s not what you all said. I see I have been wrong and abusive. I see I have kicked a man out on the streets who loved me.

More so I see how much I love I do love him. And how wrong I have been to throw away everything hurt my DD and make my DH go through what he described as hell sleeping in the rain.

And it hurts knowing I will not be able to salvage this.

But I will try to heal him and help him as best as I can. The correct way.

For Gods sake, I have never heard of such spite and selfishness as I hdve I’m thus thread.

At least give him the bloody car keys.

You put him on the streets and even kept the family car ????

poor man can’t even work as he was WFH

What kind of monster are you????

I don’t believe for one moment he’s safe in some random woman’s spare room. Op’s made that bit up I’m sure so we won’t think so badly of her.

I hope karma gets you OP

I’m not looking for hate though I see why people have shown that to me. I am just looking for advice and help to out this right and have gotten that from some

In that case, tell your family to mind their own business and give the keys to the house back to your husband, who is vulnerable and desperately in need of help.

All about you