Can we get married when I have no contact with his family or children?

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We have a really strong happy relationship, we have both made huge sacrifices for our relationship and those changes have been super positive. We are expecting our first child together, our wedding is booked for next year. However, I have no contact with his family or children. I don't see that changing, so he sees them without me. I feel very bitter about this but at the same time I don't like them and maybe won't be able to ever forgive them for certain things. Can a relationship last with this being the situation. I love him more than I can put in to words but this will always be a huge argument and resentment. Of course I don't want him to not see nor speak to them that isn't an option, so my question is can this relationship last with it being this way. Feeling broken and confused

The children involved in this mess are the victims and they all need protecting from him. The ex, his family, what you think of his son are all irrelevant. You need to act to protect your teen DS and your unborn child from this violent manipulative man.

There's a reason that your family and friends aren't supporting you with this relationship. There's a reason that the ex won't let him see the children alone. There's a reason that the eight year old is showing difficult behaviour.

It doesn't matter where you look for support, however many forums and chat boards you try. No-one is going to tell you that this relationship is anything other than toxic.

FFS, forget the rest of his family for a moment. He tells you that his ex has always been The One for him! Why on earth are you with this man when he still loves his ex more than you?
If you can't care about his kids, at least have some self respect.

The children need protecting from her as well as she's made her bed and is happy to lie in it whilst the children suffer.

It's all very well putting all of the blame on him but it's her that allowed him into her children's lives.

Shocking state of affairs.

I've lost family and friends

... because of him.

His family know what he's like. Your family and friends know what he's like. YOU know what he's like... because he's frightened you and your son in the past and he's still abusive to you as soon as his family are mentioned.

Your family and friends will be there for you when you see sense and leave this man.

You've been together 2 y 6 mo and his behaviour was horrible up to 18 months ago. That' means he's only been clean and sober for 12 months. Far too soon to get married just on that basis alone. I wouldn't marry a recovering addict until they'd been clean and sober at least 3-5 years, if ever. But that's not the sole issue, is it?

With the way things are regarding his family and your attitude towards his older son, I give any marriage a snowball's chance in hell of surviving.

Live with him if you want to, but don't legally tie yourself to him. Sooner or later either he will leave you or you'll want out yourself.

Op. I was in an abusive relationship and posted here many moons ago. I wasn't ready to accept what people were saying. It was brutal. But they were right.

I also had SS involvement. They were right.

Sorry but your boyfriend is NOT good for you, or your kids.

I know it's hard to read but many of us have been where you are, and can look back with such clarity, it's painful.

You and your kids deserve a life free from fear.

What in the name of dear god have I just read? I honestly don't think I've read anything so dangerously delusional in my life. My god, you clearly have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like if this is your idea of amazing.

Dh and I are both SP to each others kids and have kids. So I understand the challenges of blending and dealing with ex s and children on each side.

In saying that he 100% should not have impregnated you, and he shouldn't be marrying you.

You shouldn't have allowed yourself to get pregnant and bring another child into an unstable toxic mess.

Your thinking is all the way fucked up. Your posts scream of your own personal insecurities, you are blaming everyone but you and your DP for the mess you have created. His child is traumatised, from the adults in his life being fuck ups.

No this is not a long term sustainable plan. His children will become even more of a battle ground, when you put him under pressure to choose when you baby comes. Which you will, because it will eat you up inside him seeing them and leaving you and the baby at home.

Honestly get therapy for yourself first of all as a priority because this will all implode again.

Do not even think of getting married any time soon and at min until you have some sort of stable relationship between you all. He has been sober for a much longer time. And this needs sheds load of therapy, years of healing and actual accountability for the role you actually played in creating this mess.

Please open your eyes op

Your blaming everyone else here but the choices you've made and continue to make are getting you where you are.

It's one thing to admit your kids went through hell but that doesn't change the fact your not changing those behaviours.

You've lost family and friends because they can see what this relationship is doing to you and have probably no doubt tried to support you but you keep going back and then adding more stress.

You've only been together 2.5 years. That's nothing in comparison to a lifetime and his dc are always going to be in his life.

Why the rush for a baby and a wedding?

so you know about abusive relationships . I have been in one .. with drugs involved too.

Things I learnt along the way .

they do the bare minimum to get you back in line .

Pregnancy and new born babies are often the time abusive behaviour increases .

You have failed to safeguard your Ds , you say you won’t let it happen again - however we both know it isn’t one day all fine in the world then next abusive.. it changes over time .

You need time and support to look objectively at this relationship . You won’t do that together .

Is someone allowed a second chance yes , but not with you . Your children are already damaged by him .. what lesson do you think you are teaching them he can behave that way then you take him back , your Ds should be feeling safe in his own home . My Ds has Asd / adhd - honestly puberty is the toughest years for them ..

You absolutely deserve better - you are angry at all the wrong people because he isn’t safe to be angry towards

final word- My ex and drugs gave up so many times - when I did finally leave he acknowledged that he only gave up to keep me but really did want to now .. I had learnt it was all bullshit just used to what I wanted to hear …

@ManilowBarry I totally agree.

Gawd it all sounds very Jeremy Kyle

It's ridiculous that you are considering getting married so soon. Even worse that you are having a kid with him but that horse has bolted. 🫤

Your thoughts are all over the place. Why don't you slow things down and stop rushing into things and making bad decisions.

I had social services involved along with domestic violence support made homeless and put in a safe home with myself and son
yet you're pregnant and planning to marry this man???
From your timeline, within 18mths of your partner being murdered you got involved with a violent junkie, your kids must be so traumatised.
In your shoes, I'd be moving far far away and cutting him and his family out my life.

Please please tell us you're not financially dependent on him. You need to be able to escape this situation when you decide to.

This.

My heart bleeds for all these kids.

Give your head a wobble OP. He is the problem. What on earth do you see in him??

No point telling you to LTB as you won't.

But good luck because you'll bloody need it...

And, kindly OP, get therapy. You need to figure out why your standards are so so low, toxic low?!

This should be your honeymoon period. It reads like a horror movie.

Never have I read someone so determined to put their love life over and above the safety and welfare of their children.

The pursuit of sex, companionship and romance is the op's number one priority.

Nothing any of say will ever sway her away from her desire to be with her man.

Your son witnessed things that no child should ever have to witness, caused by a man that you are still with? And he has to see him every day?

Your poor children. They are going to suffer from this trauma.

Well done for reaching out.

I wonder whether you’re asking about getting married under your circumstances because you know it doesn’t feel right to you. He is still very involved with his family, he sees his children at his Mum’s house for example. As you said, he will be kind of living two separate lives.

None of this is ideal and well done for putting a voice to the part of yourself that’s having doubts about how sensible this is.

This has got red flags all over the place.

Having a baby does not bring couples closer together - it tests them to their limits, they are exhausted and things become strained.

I honestly do not believe you have had your last hiding off this man

The situation with his family and kids sounds awful - why put yourself and a baby through that?

Honestly there are better relationships to be had out there.

I would not even have his child. The situation is dysfunctional and any day he could give you a smack or relapse.

Oh and see that boy who you have took a dislike to - he wasn’t born that way - he has been exposed to abuse and that is what abuse does to innocent children hence SS trying to keep DV perpetrators away from the family home

That could be your baby in 8 years time. With issues and stuck with a role model who is a drug user/abuser and whatever else

And look I know he will have some good qualities but so do murderers and rapists.

I can’t side with you OP, sorry. My lovely aunt would give anything to have a baby, be a mum and bring it into a loving safe household.

i can’t believe you’re bringing a baby into all this mess, including a violent household

It’s amazing what you’re willing to forgive from
an adult, your partner, but not from a child, specifically his oldest child. I think that’s something you should reflect on, as clearly your tolerance for ill treatment from your partner is higher than it should be and you’re channeling your anger in the wrong direction. What healthy relationship work have you done? Have you done the freedom course? Any work on the impact of exposure to substances, domestic abuse etc on children?
It’s also important to remember this child is a product of his parents, one of which is the person you decided to have a baby with. There is every possibility your partner wont be able to sustain the positive changes he’s made and your child could one day display similar behaviours.

What a shit show. The children will be damaged. You need to get out of the ''relationshio'.