Can we get married when I have no contact with his family or children?

[Longstockin]

We have a really strong happy relationship, we have both made huge sacrifices for our relationship and those changes have been super positive. We are expecting our first child together, our wedding is booked for next year. However, I have no contact with his family or children. I don't see that changing, so he sees them without me. I feel very bitter about this but at the same time I don't like them and maybe won't be able to ever forgive them for certain things. Can a relationship last with this being the situation. I love him more than I can put in to words but this will always be a huge argument and resentment. Of course I don't want him to not see nor speak to them that isn't an option, so my question is can this relationship last with it being this way. Feeling broken and confused

I feel really sorry for all the children involved in this situation and it's worrying that you seem to be preoccupied with your own happiness rather than working out a way for the children to grow up in a less toxic environment.

One things for sure, his ex is being more proactive in protecting her children from this nasty human being than you are.

I dont know why you resent his ex. She didn't do anything. And your bf has told you multiple times that he thinks she is better. Your anger and resentment are displaced. It should all be at him.

She won't let the children around you, god knows why when you call her 8 year old horrible. The poor boy is probably traumatised by his fathers addiction. I think you should run for the hills. There are so many issues here to unpack. You sound quite hostile, to his family, his ex, his children but not him... who is the cause of all of this.

Sorry but I think you should forget this.

These were done and said during the time of drink and drugs but it still lingers

And you thought this prince among men was a suitable father for your baby

...........she won't let the children be around me

Not surprising, since you hate his older child

...........and he has to see them at his Mum's

Also not surprising, since he's a drunken drug addict

@Longstockin you don't sound remotely in the right headspace to make sound decisions about whether or not this is a healthy relationship (hint - it's not).

He's temporarily cleaned up his act.

If you're not already, you need to look at some form of therapy or counselling to understand why you value this loser so willingly. And look at the freedom program.

Leave.

The two of you are toxic together. At least if you leave, your 14 year old has a fighting chance of growing up in a better place and the two current kids are old enough to help you with the baby.

The ex has a good point in allowing limited contact supervised by your DP’s mum. Why would she want her kid near you when you don’t like him? And why would she wan her kids alone with her abusive ex? She is behaving to protect her kids here, as you should protect yours.

The 8yo's problems will be entirely linked to the all trauma he's suffered in his short life and your child is about to suffer the same 😪

My god this whole shit show sounds toxic as fuck. You should not be getting married.

So your younger child was 11/12 when introduced to this situation?

It’s not a relationship. It’s a shit show. You are angry at everyone except him, when HE has ALWAYS been the problem.
Its been a mess from the beginning, it’s not magically going to turn wonderful.
Im being harsh but I do feel sorry for you. You’ll be back on here in 6 months saying you want to leave….

He should be putting his foot down and saying he wants you involved In his children’s lives. Seems he has problems setting boundaries with the ex - that is not doing everything he can to make things ok.

people gunning you for saying a child is horrible. Some kids are. Whilst the difficulties in his upbringing would have contributed to this, getting help now would be an idea before an unpleasant child turns into an unpleasant adult.

i don’t think marriage is the way forward. You seem to want to defend a man who treated you badly. It shows a lack of self respect. I mean this kindly. Take it from a woman just out of an abusive relationship who was also told the ex was better and wanted to sleep with other woman. What they show you is who they are. Don’t waste your life hoping he will be someone he tricked you to believe he is.

His children are only eight and five.

What a poor excuse for a man to damage his children by his drug taking, drinking and violence/aggression even if it was not directed at them.

I don't believe he has turned his life around in such a short space of time and could still relapse at any time.

Now the children will learn that he's having another child and will be living with that child.

You say the boy is horrible and you should be ashamed of yourself for calling him that when his father has been a complete scumbag so far in the little boys life.

You can't see it but it's highly likely your child will have it happen to them when your husband to be slips back into his old ways.

The pair of you are selfish and only thinking of yourselves and not any of the children including the one you are going to have .

Poor boy!

In answer to your question, no this marriage is unlikely to be a happy one.

I honestly despair of some of the threads I read on here.

another child being brought into an absolute shit show of a relationship who will undoubtedly grow up to have issues as a result.

'He has been clean for a year we've been together 2.5 years.'

Jesus wept!

This is all going to go tits up.

It's unfair and selfish to bring another child into this situation.

Umm definitely dont marry him.
Why are you having a child with him when you hate hus young kids (one of whom must have been 7 when you last saw him and judged him "horrible").

Did your 14 yo witness the violence?

His family, ex, and kids are not to blame

Oh OP, you are in an abusive relationship. Please leave for the good of your children and unborn child. This is just the calm before the inevitable storm. He is a violent drink and drug addict.

His 8 year old child is likely traumatised and your unborn child will end up the same if you are not careful. Please reconsider the marriage and the relationship. This will not end well.

I know I know it's not allowed, against human rights and all that, but it would be super if some men, well people, but man in this case, could be sterilised. Why is his right to have as many babies as he wants, more important than those poor kids he's bringing in to the world? It seems there are always women around whose boundaries are on the floor to accept these scum men.

Always earn your own money and have an exit plan if it goes tits up after the baby comes. After all that has happened youre hoping your love "rescues" him fromwho he is. I wouldn't bank on him - ask his previous DW.

She won't let him see his children because of his drug use. It sounds like he was doing the hard stuff, not just the odd spliff. She's absolutely right to safeguard her children, especially if he was doing heroine, and quite possibly still on methadone. If he was doing the hard stuff, there's every chance he'll use again, unless he really, really wants to be clean (and if he doesn't have external support, and goes no contact with his 'user associates', then the chances of him staying off drugs is low, despite what he says, I'll say it again a hardcore drug user will lie)
Sounds like you would be bitter and angry if he sees his children?
If this is a genuine thread, then there is absolutely no way your partnership will work, far too many unresolved emotions and issues.
Honestly OP, draw aline under this one, or you'll all end up suffering. Focus now on keeping yourself well (mentally and physically), and making a new start and good life for you and your children.

OP, please don’t marry him and please protect your children from him by not living with him.

I’m also mystified as to why you thought his family should help you when you became homeless. What did you expect them to do? They’re not your family.

She won't let him see the children alone.
Can't edited on the app.

You met him when he was on drugs and drinking excessively. Were you in a similar position? Where was your 11yr old when this was going on?

I think it would probably be wise to postpone the wedding, see what happens in a few years time and how you cope with a baby together.

I understand some of your comments about the 8 year old, again, maybe I've not worded my words correctly but only in the way I can, I don't know how else better to describe him again I am totally understanding and empathetic to the fact it's due to trauma however it still stands he isn't a pleasant child he goes out of his way to be nasty and spiteful all while doing it with a grimacing grin on his face. I am sorry that it's come across the way it has but it is what it is. I also understand why his ex wouldn't want them around it, I wouldn't want my children around what we were too, even though obviously my son was very much around. That is all in the past, that doesn't happen anymore, I am also fearful of it happening again and that also plays apart in my insecurities. I also know if I'm really honest with myself that the relationship is doomed and maybe I really am totally stupid to believe that we would make it through and we had really made it. I understand some of your harsh comments, justified maybe, but, I really am broken down and came here to ask for advice and support as you can imagine I don't get much of that from my family and friends who have been witness to it so I do feel lonely and thought here would be a good place to reach out