Can we get married when I have no contact with his family or children?

[Longstockin]

We have a really strong happy relationship, we have both made huge sacrifices for our relationship and those changes have been super positive. We are expecting our first child together, our wedding is booked for next year. However, I have no contact with his family or children. I don't see that changing, so he sees them without me. I feel very bitter about this but at the same time I don't like them and maybe won't be able to ever forgive them for certain things. Can a relationship last with this being the situation. I love him more than I can put in to words but this will always be a huge argument and resentment. Of course I don't want him to not see nor speak to them that isn't an option, so my question is can this relationship last with it being this way. Feeling broken and confused

As his mum it is your responsibility to protect your son, who is only 14 years old. You need to now also protect your soon to be baby boy. You need to put them first. You need to prioritise your children. And that isn't staying in this relationship. The risk to you all is so high of further violence and drug use.

@Longstockin please don't feel scared to keep posting if you need more moral support or advice. I know a couple of women who've been in violent and abusive relationships and I understand how easy it is to find yourself in circumstances like yours where things get messy. Men like your partner can be very manipulative and leave your head spinning and it's hard to make what seem like obvious decisions to people on the outside. It's also easier to cope by projecting the blame onto other people like you're doing with his son and the rest of his family. He's the problem though, not you or them.

You're vulnerable and traumatised from the abuse and your experience of being homeless so I do understand. You can't go back in time so don't let what might seem like harsh comments on here scare you off from facing what you can do from now on or scare you off posting here for support. Please ask for help from services. Contact a domestic violence service and ask them to help you leave. It's not easy but I think you know deep down you need to. If you feel like you'll lose the nerve, please post again for encouragement and support to do it.

I understand his exs reasons again this wasn't what I said I get it, I wouldn't want that either. I should have protected my son I did try hence the resentment towards his family when they knew we were put in a safe place etc they would message me telling me how bad he was and I was the only one to help him, yet while we were in it and I begged for them to come collect him while myself and son were scared they ignored me. That's where my anger and resentment come from.

@Longstockin it would be possible for the relationship to last without you being involved with the rest of his family.

BUT.. the whole family dynamics are already toxic and once your baby is born it will all become even more difficult.

‘social services did get involved and their only concern was the fact I was failing him by keeping him safe in the relationship’

You are minimising. ‘Only concern’ is a HUGE concern. Failing to keep your child safe is a huge concern.

This man is not safe.

His ex knows that. His family who ensure safe contact with his children know that. The only one who doesn’t seem to accept that is you.

A cheating violent addict, who has caused such damage to those around him is not safe for your own children.

You're utter morons for bringing a baby into this mess.

I commend you on being so honest about the treatment of your existing son as it makes for very grim and distressing reading that the boy was subjected to witnessing his mother being abused.

You're an adult and apparently have been able to get over the abuse in an extremely short time but your son's mind is still full of the abuse as a child cannot process their emotions in the same way that adults can.

You want a relationship with this man but your son is in a terrible position now of probably not want to say anything negative out of fear of reprisals from the man and even you.

Now to top it off you're having his baby and he will have less of your attention as you focus on the baby and it's very likely he will act out and behave badly.

I am truly horrified that all the children involved have suffered and will continue to suffer but you and your man don't give a damn!

I get it I hear you all, I also accept the criticism, I don't know how I ended up here, I also know I need help understanding why I did and have, the fact I can't even defend my parenting kind of knocks me sick as on the whole before all this I was a fantastic mum who protected my children, my daughter 21 was in a coma and once released had to be watched 24 hours a day due to her mental health she was 13 at the time (diagnosed bipolar) I did that alone, my son, diagnosed autistic and adhd, done all that alone while working and holding down a lovely home. My partner got murdered 4 years ago. Lost my mum, I suppose a lot of this although I thought Irrelevant at the time of posting has possibly played apart in to me falling victim to all of this. Believe it or not I am/was a strong independent fantastic mother. I've lost family and friends and the fact I'm at the point of turning here for support and advice shows how limited my support network has become.

That is all in the past, that doesn't happen anymore, I am also fearful of it happening again and that also plays a part in my insecurities

So you're afraid that he might become violent again.

I'm afraid of everything

'That's where my anger and resentment come from.'

Your MISGUIDED anger and resentment as they were probably terrified of him.

Your feelings towards his family are completely warped and illogical.

You just cannot see any sense.

The more you write the more disturbing it all sounds.

I can't believe you're marrying him and having a baby. You must be desperate.

@Longstockin When you leave him this time, it might be better if you block his family so they can't contact you like they did last time. It sounds like last time you left, they were contacting you when you were scared and vulnerable and not in a good headspace to be able to make decisions. Contact domestic violence services and get help to leave him but this time block his family so they can't contact you.

Also please don't let comments judging you on here get to you or make you lose confidence to leave him. A lot of people don't understand how easy it is to find yourself in circumstances like yours and how hard it is to get out of them. There's not always enough support particularly emotional but if you keep looking there is help out there to get you through emotionally.

First get yourself away from him, and then look for and take any support offered. From domestic violence services, your GP, social services, wherever you can find it. If it helps you with moral support, also post here where hopefully you'll find support instead of judgement, so you can stay strong to leave and stay away this time x

@Longstockin I am very sorry to hear about your partner being murdered and your daughter being in a coma. This is very traumatic. It does sound like you have had a very difficult few years and may go some way to explaining some of the decisions you have made more recently.

I really wish you all of the very best with your new baby and I really hope that you do the freedom programme and leave this man for your sake and your children. At the very minimum call off the wedding, postpone it for a few years, actually wait and see what stress turns this man into over the next few years and see if he does live up to his promises without the threat of having to go through a messy drug addled divorce process. What is the rush to legally bind yourself to this man?

None of us can say whether he will stay in recovery, history tells us it is unlikely but for your sake I hope he does.

@Longstockin Seeing your most recent updates, you've been through a lot. You were already vulnerable and traumatised when you met him and he took advantage of that. Please contact domestic violence services and get help and advice from them but also get help from them or through your GP or both for all the trauma you've experienced xx

I'm very sorry you're in this situation.

It sounds like you're not actually sure if you want to go ahead with this wedding.

Protect yourself, your children and your unborn baby.

Can you leave this man safely?

OP, how well do you get on with your midwife? Could she refer you for support?

You're very vulnerable, as is your 14yo. If you asked your DC whether they think you're wise having another baby or getting married, what would they say?

@TuCh thank you, I do feel slightly attacked but that is me acting like a victim and I'm also aware of that too, I'm not seeking pity, little empathy maybe lol but again guess that's me playing victim. It's been hard, really hard, I know how bad it was I paid the price like I said I had social services involved along with domestic violence support made homeless and put in a safe home with myself and son, I also previously worked without social services and mental health (I know crazy) to know that once a professional I am here, crazy how life works out and to also think I too would have once left the comments a lot have. You just really never know how life pans out, blame myself sometimes that I caused this by being judgmental on peoples situations and life is funny and goes "here you are testing your word now" lol. I love him, he loves me, people change but I am also aware still in my deluded crazy racing brain that maybe I am all those things, selfish, deluded, blind sighted. It's just hard because I'm so unsure because I know the changes I know how amazing he's trying but I also can't help but feel it's not ok, him having a second life I'm not included in.

@TuCh *worked within social services and mental health

@Longstockin It's very hard to think clearly when you're traumatised and it's easier than a lot of people think for things to spiral.

One minute you have a 'normal' life and then something awful happens then you're vulnerable and traumatised and before you know it things go from bad to worse.

Don't feel ashamed. What's done is done and you've been through a lot and were vulnerable and traumatised and you still are. The important thing is you're reaching out for advice and support now. That's a big step and is more scary than a lot of people realise so you've already taken the first step by posting here.

From what you've said you and your DC including the unborn baby will be better away from him but the best thing is to contact a domestic abuse service for their advice and help.

It's just hard because I'm so unsure because I know the changes I know how amazing he's trying but I also can't help but feel it's not ok, him having a second life I'm not included in

What is bothering you more?
The fear that your boyfriend will hit you again, or your anger that he has this second life you're not part of?

@Longstockin this link about triangulation may help you understand more about what he's done to emotionally manipulate you and mess with your head. When he uses his ex to confuse and hurt you

https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-triangulation#examples

Was it an ex that committed the DV OP. Sorry I’m confused. How did you meet this man? He was on drugs and drink but you found him attractive? Or has he coerced you? The ex wife is protecting her children. I think you need to leave this relationship asap. You, the baby and your 14 year old are so very vulnerable. Whose name is on the house rental? Can you ask him to leave? Please please get help. You are not safe.

I've lost any sympathy for you by your flippant use 'lol'!

There is nothing amusing about any of this mess YOU have brought upon yourself and your children.

@ManilowBarry again I'm sorry that me trying to explain myself in text has offended you, it's hard over text, I do not think ANY of this is funny, I do feel however that the fact that is the one thing you picked up on cute. Read, corrupt, twist that how you feel fit. X