Can we get married when I have no contact with his family or children?

[Longstockin]

We have a really strong happy relationship, we have both made huge sacrifices for our relationship and those changes have been super positive. We are expecting our first child together, our wedding is booked for next year. However, I have no contact with his family or children. I don't see that changing, so he sees them without me. I feel very bitter about this but at the same time I don't like them and maybe won't be able to ever forgive them for certain things. Can a relationship last with this being the situation. I love him more than I can put in to words but this will always be a huge argument and resentment. Of course I don't want him to not see nor speak to them that isn't an option, so my question is can this relationship last with it being this way. Feeling broken and confused

So a shit tonne of violence, abuse, and substance use happened in the first 18 months and things have only been good for a YEAR and you're having a baby with this horrific man whose ex doesn't want him round you? has your head actually stopped spinning from all the drama?

Neither of you are fit to be in a relationship, still less married. The two of you got pregnant when he was in his first year of recovery from drink, drugs, and violent behaviour. You got together with this violent druggie when his youngest child was a toddler and your youngest wasn't even a teen. God help all the children here - at least his ex seems to be trying to protect hers.

You'd be better off doing the freedom programme and figuring out why on earth you were with this drug addict who was violent.

But you'll probably continue on with loads of drama about resentment of his family and his awful children, your very strong relationship wah wah wah. Then in a couple of years you'll post here about him relapsing and being violent again and I guarantee you - guarantee - that your post will contain that absolute red flag "he is a great dad though and my lo loves him"

awful to see children having to endure this.

Why should his family speak to you if they don't want to. They are obviously extremely resentful. Were you the ow.

I can’t believe the choices some people make.

Be ready to leave for the sake of your childhood should he go back to his old ways. You’ve already had social services involved.

Absolutely, positively, no.

you have no business being in a relationship with a man, let alone marrying him if it interferes with his access to his minor children. That he would even consider this scenario tells you everything you need to know about his character.

Where's jeremy kyle when you need him eh?

"however it still stands he isn't a pleasant child he goes out of his way to be nasty and spiteful all while doing it with a grimacing grin on his face. I am sorry that it's come across the way it has but it is what it is."

How do you know this if you don't see the kids?

I am obviously talking about when I did see them which as stated was a year ago now!

Let's imagine that he really has done his best to get clean and sober and never be aggressive or violent again.

You say he has managed it for a year.

That's not really a very long time and having a newborn baby may cause stress, tiredness and emotional upsets, all of which test the strongest character but are going to be very difficult for a former drug addict and alcohol abuser to cope with.

You won't be quite so loved up when you're both tired and the baby is crying and someone's got to change a poo filled nappy.

How will his temper hold up? He could take it out on you or god forbid, the baby.

Your circumstances are extremely concerning but you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions even if they are absolutely appalling but the baby has no say in this at all.

I would not be marrying this man nor would I even contemplate being in a relationship with him.

So when your delightful boyfriend was still neck deep in drugs, being violent and generally being a prize prick?

Seriously I'm not sure you really understand how seriously fucked up this all is.

Were you the OW as well?

Is he a cheat as well as a drinking, drug addled, abuser?

You are clearly in massive denial over who is to blame in all this (i.e. him and you), because you love him and want to put the blame on anyone else but him. Well sorry, but loving him is not a good enough excuse for the frankly horrifying irresponsibility of bringing a baby into this toxic mess of a relationship. You say you are fearful the drugs, abuse and violence could happen again? Well yes, of course. So why are you still there, and why are you having a baby?!

Based on the information given I think it’s highly likely social care will be involved with your family when the baby is born and to be honest I think they need to be. So many concerns. What example of relationships is your 14 year old seeing - how will it impact on their romantic relationships going forward. This is so sad. 😞

Sorry but no one magically becomes better in such a short space of time. He's gone from an alcoholic druggie abuser to a model man in a year?

I'm afraid I think you're a bloody fool for staying and getting pregnant with this man, and feel nothing but pity for the child you're carrying and the absolute train wreck you're bringing them into.

Yes he cheated on his ex multiple times hence the relationship ended. Yes it was during those times I was in contact with his children. However no they weren't witness to it. Him not seeing his children isn't down to me and I won't be blamed for that either, he was in to drugs which when I met him I want aware of, what he did with in his last relationship I wasn't witness too obviously they were well over when I got on the scene well I guess she was but maybe not so much him. Like I said it was a messy divorce not surprisingly, I guess I got the back lash of it and am still picking up the pieces. I also know I probably do need help with the project program I was referred to them, I also probably am totally blind sighted and totally in love that I've accepted things I shouldn't have, believed that this baby would be a good thing as changes have been made, believed people can change and "love conquers" I don't appreciate comments about "god help the child" quick to comment on my comments about an 8 year old, but already judging how my child will be, he will be loved and protected, but, that doesn't need commenting on as I am fully aware of the love that will be shown and I will raise him to be a stable loving child/man. I am in a situation with a horrible past granted asking if there is hope. I realise from all comments there isn't and the only option is to walk away.

Why did you stay with him when he was on drugs and abusive OP? For 18 months? Why did you think it was ok to put your 12/13 year old through that? What has that done to your child? What do they now think is 'normal' that is actually very far from normal?

You can't just say 'Oh it's fine that's over now'. That's not how it works for you or your child. Until you know why you went into that relationship, why you stayed in that relationship, why you didn't put your child first and how you would be 100% sure that it would never happen again it's not over. Your child is still seeing an abusive drug addict that their mother has stayed with no matter what, now even crazier they're seeing you have a baby with this awful man.

Oh OP, what are you thinking? How have you deluded yourself to such an extent that you convinced yourself this is ok? How have you been able to blame everyone apart from the person at fault - this awful, awful man. This is all so dysfunctional I'm really worried for all the kids caught up in it.

What do your family and friends think, Op?

I agree when it comes to this, but... stepmums not getting on with a dad's DC is pretty common. I've been in that situation, and it can be emotive and sensible to just keep them apart for the DC sake.

It is inevitably going to happen over at some point in a long term relationship when you're a single parent with any partner that there'll be that tension.

The core point here OP is more around your relationship and the health of it, rather than the dynamics with his family and children. Even if you were both childless before this, the advice here would be the same about being careful, because 1yr isn't long enough to demonstrate meaningful change.

Someone who has been clean for 4-5yrs can still relapse, so you need to expect he WILL relapse, as an addiction is a coping mechanism, and as soon as he's put under realistic stress (eg a new baby), he is likely to crumble.

That is the elephant in the room, and you're missing it.

Try thinking about his "horrible" child in thus way: a damaged child who has witnessed dv and the adults around him being unreliable, unpredictable and frightening. Such children are often in a fight or flight mode of high alert. This effects their emotional development.
He needs stability and people being consistent and kind. All tge adults involved need to put their resentments to one side and focus on building a happy family, repair tge damage done. That's if you truly believe he has changed. If you hear yourself saying" just one more chance you know what you should be doing.

You say your unborn baby boy will be raised in a safe and stable way. BUT then why did you not provide this for your son when he was 11/12 years old? Why did he not deserve to be protected from his mum having a relationship with a drug addicted violent man?

@Longstockin

You've not mentioned how your own dc feel about this whole situation ??

The 14 year old has probably had 2.5 years of hell by the sounds of it and now your adding a baby to it all

What the hell were you thinking would happen??

Having a baby is one of the most stressful things you can do op so what domyou think he will possibly relapse to when it's hard with three kids in the house and a screaming baby with next to no sleep?

And your going to be tired stressed hormonal and having to deal with that and then what about your other kids?

You've created yourself a shot show op sorry to be so blunt but you need to take some responsibility for your choices.

Hi @Longstockin

You must be feeling scared and vulnerable. I think you know deep down you need to leave him. If you didn't I don't think you'd be posting here asking for support. I think he pulled the wool over your eyes at the beginning and has manipulated you into blaming his family including his little boy for his violent and emotionally abusive behaviour. The 8 year old is clearly traumatised from his violent father's behaviour.

You say you were homeless. Is that why you got back with him? I'm not judging. I understand being homeless is terrifying and you were already traumatised from his abuse so weren't able to think straight. I do think you need to leave him, especially as you have DC (what do your older DC think about him?) and are pregnant. In your circumstances you will definitely get somewhere to stay and could find a refuge instead of general temporary accommodation, so please don't let fear of homelessness stop you leaving him.

Your feelings towards his family seem to be coming from him. He's used his ex to make you feel insecure. He's not been violent for 8 months? That's not that long. Some violent men go years between assaults.

I know you're scared and confused but please try to contact services for help. Have you been in contact with domestic violence services? I think you should have a chat with one x

Wow...after this please don't have any more children.
How are you going to support this child, do either of you work?

My son did deserve to be protected and I failed him massively, social services did get involved and their only concern was the fact I was failing him by keeping him safe in the relationship I am fully aware of my mistake and I will live forever knowing that my son was witness to it, I don't need anyone else to shame me on that. I won't declare what a fantastic mother I am I messed up and put my son in situations NOBODY child or adult should ever witness, I was also scared and a lot of the time to try and protect my son gave in to limit the abuse. Until you've been there you won't get it I never did and I was as judgmental to these situations as some of you, but, there I was and here I am. I do believe people can change, I've witnessed it, he wasn't addicted to the extreme some of you are saying, but yes he was an active drug user, I wasn't aware of the extent, I am also aware that it's a coping mechanism which people turn back too. Again this isn't the issue or again I'm deluded I thought we'd overcome all of that, but, maybe that isn't the case, if it was I wouldn't be posting what I am. The past is still affecting us, as much as our relationship has changed there is still this issue. Maybe I thought in time people would also see how far we've come and like I've said over and over maybe my pain and resentment is the issue. Him having that second life without me included

How can you be so sure you will protect this baby when you brought a violent drug addict into the life of your then 11/12 year old? How are you going to protect the baby if he relapses and you are married to and living with him and can't force him out?
I've no idea why the ex is getting so much of your anger, when you last saw the children he was still using and the kids were seeing the consequences of that in his behaviour, of course she doesn't want them in his sole care or around you when as far as she sees it you are bringing an active drug user into the life of your own child. She will probably never trust you or your judgement where the safety of her children are concerned when she knows you choose to have him around your own.
Why the rush to marry, at the very least slow down and focus on him getting through what is still early days of being clean and the arrival of the baby.