Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

[NC1258]

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

Here is my suggestion - HE takes your daughter to her medical appointment (he may cancel the meeting with the woman) but what you should do is set up the appointment with this woman (if you have remembered her details from your DH's PC) so that you can meet her.

Until you meet her you'll be having a million and one things going around in your head and maybe, just with the smallest possibility, he may just need a sounding board to offload to and rather than it being you, it could be her.

I have zero skin in this game but that is what I would try to do here. Find out more before you light the match that will burn that bridge.

No wonder your all over the place, move on this man is a liar and obviously cheating on you, your worth more than that surely
Keep your Chin up and give yourself chance to meet someone honest who will love, make you happy and respect you
hugs x

Before you said this I thought maybe you were a bit paranoid, it could be that she doesn't want to be seen or overheard because she wants support for leaving an abusive partner or something else private that's nothing to do with your OH.

But generally if they're accusing you of cheating for no reason and with no way for you to actually cheat, it's because they're cheating and it's projection.

Or a cheating husband

I think OP that you have reason to be concerned. The fact that he has twice neglected to tell you about his meeting means he knows that there is something amiss.

I have a close male friend that I have known for over 40 years. I meet him alone but the difference to your DH's meetup is that my DH always knows the full details and I happily share messages, texts etc with him (not that he's would ask me to.) We also meet as a foursome (friend has long standing partner that he doesn't live with, and a complicated relationship history). Plus they are invited to all family eventsand we have shared hobbies.

My DD told me that friend said the he regards me as a sister, and that he doesn't know how he would have 'survived without my support.' (He was very drunk at the time.) If I ever thought the relationship was moving in any other way. I would end it and my DH knows this.

DH has female friends who he has close confiding relationships with, but I know them. It does seem odd to keep them from you unless he has reason to believe you'll react badly, but even so, he could just use that as a convenient excuse ('Well, I knew you'd react like this which is why I kept it quiet even though I promise it was totally innocent')

FWIW, I can confirm men and women can just be friends but I do think there are some people who aren't capable of being 'just friends' with the opposite sex. And that's not a failing or fault, but sometimes such people therefore insist that seeing as they can't, no one else can be and they are surely lying, or even if one party (usually the woman) says there's nothing sexual, they will insist the man must feel that way. But I can assure you it is possible.

Still I think it is remiss of him one way or another to try to hide it from you, and that he has accused you of cheating in the past seems to be a bit of red flag, could even be a build up to using 'I only cheated because I was so angry you cheated on me in the past' as some kind of excuse.

@HateWorkingFulltime similar situation to me. I realised after I found out totally by coincidence (he had written about it and then hidden his scribbling) about a very long gone emotional affair , that I had become way too co dependent. Invested it all into my marriage and none into stuff for me - hobbies, friends etc- I'm still married and now 62- but I warn younger women about 'losing themselves'

I would have an honest chat with him. I cant imagine doing this to my partner I would never want to hurt him. I would have to be honest and introduce him to male best friend. I've no idea why your husband didn't introduce you at the beginning, that's just normal isn't it. Imagine you just bumping into them both, oh look there's my husband with another woman, wtf. He needs to share with you what he's thinking.

Even if your DH took your child to the Drs it just stops this one meeting happening, it's not a solution to your problem. If you could have a friend follow him that might tell you the true state of play but if it is an affair what will you do Op?

Well said… if you felt the need to look at his PC then obviously your gut is telling you something is up. Sounds inappropriate to me at best.

Having read the OP's other posts, it's clear to me that the woman is at the end of her tether.

Her husband is free to live as he pleases while she has given up her career and her life in order to look after her SEN children. He's not pulling his weight.

I kind of hope this isn't about me lol.

I have a male friend that I organized a meet up and walk with about the time this was posted yesterday. I have never met his wife (he says shes busy with her own friends/hobbies) but he talks about her and the kids often (and Ive met his teen kid so hardly like hes keeping our friendship a dirty secret).

For the record on the million to one chance it is me - I'm happily married and absoloutly nothing is going on we literally just share a hobby, similar lives (met our partners the same time, he has kids similar ages to my kids, same hobby interests) and similar disabilities so became friends. My husband knows has met him before, no secrets and fully encourages the friendship.

Men and women CAN in fact be friends without shagging or cheating.

I would send someone ( eg your brother) to go and spy

The evidence shows that 1 to 1 same sex friendships are harmful to marriages.

www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/clear-communication/201708/1-1-opposite-sex-friends-blind-spot-threat-marriage

Well, I imagine that this isn't about you, since it seems that the OP doesn't have the opportunity to have time to herself rather than being busy with friends and hobbies.

Mind you, a man looking for an affair would claim that his wife was too busy to meet, wouldn't he?

I wonder if he's arranged to meet her at that specific time as he knows you'll be taking your DD to her appointment so he'll know your whereabouts and feel 'safer' meeting up with her? I'd fake illness, let him take your DD to her appointment, and put the kibosh on his plans and see what he does about rebooking with OW. If it's a casual "friendship" it'd be a lighthearted rebooking. If more than that you could tell from his messges to her.

This is worrying.

One of the reasons why I am still with my DH is because I found the strength to give him as good as he dished out. If you can find strength to stand up to him, your DH will crap himself.

When is his lovely morning activity?

I’d get up and say, “ do you need me to iron you a shirt or anything today? You look really nice in the blue one”.

Then, finally as he, or I was leaving I’d say “ say Hi to Vera for me. Hope you both have a lovely time on your golf walk. If you can, please do find a little time to call to see how our appointment went. Bye”

Later, when he gives his rehearsed bull shit explanation, your fault of course, I’d say to him, “nice try, but don’t gaslight me. I’m not falling for your bullshit again. If you want to have secret rendezvous whilst I’m attending to our sick DC, fine. Crack on with it. But let’s not kid both ourselves, that you are a decent husband and father”.

Just skimming but for what it's worth if someone's going to cheat it doesn't matter where they meet a secluded field or a coffee shop. The deed can be done anywhere. Coffee shop toilets aren't great but for a quick knee trembler it will suffice. Fields not great I got bitten by a horse fly and omg that was not worth it.
Bottom line a relationship needs trust.
If there is no trust there is no relationship only a toxic environment.

Nope - my DH had a couple of female friends from Uni (lost contect now due to distance) who he’d see if they were visiting our area but i’d always be invited along if I wanted to come and he told me about it. If its just friends meeting, he’d surely just tell you the plans. The fact he is lying to you and the conversation you heard suggests this is something more. Sorry OP.

Not sure if this has already been suggested but could you confide in a friend and get them to go to the golf course at the appointed time to see what they may (or may not) be up to?

The lying is what would make me suspicious. Affair or not though he sounds like a useless husband and father, sorry.
If it was me I'd watch and wait, if he finds out you're onto him he'll cover his tracks better.
I agree with other posters, he needs to be picking up more slack at home, why should you juggle everything at home while he gets to swan off doing what he likes.
If he is cheating though, what will you do? Hopefully kick him into touch because you deserve far more than what he's giving you at the moment

Send a friend that he doesn’t know to the same area to spy

On the flip side, I am a close friend of a man, who's in a steady long-term relationship. She knows who I am but, despite living in the same city (it's a big city, to be fair), we've never met (we don't share other friends). I'd happily meet her if asked but I haven't been and that's fine.

He doesn't lie to her and she knows if he's out with me. Typically this is Saturday afternoons, sometimes all day (we go to the football ⚽) or nights out when she wants rid of him so that she can have her friends round.

For purposes of setting the scene, we're all late 50s. I've known the guy for over 40 years. I'm long term single (and love it). Neither me nor my friend have children. His partner has a grown up son who lives away. There's no neglecting family going on.

It's 100% platonic. I do not have any inclinations otherwise. Even if I did, I wouldn't act on it.; I would not knowingly get involved with a man in a relationship. If his partner became uncomfortable with it, then I'd step away.

Just wanted to give the other side of the story.

ETA, what with giving the alternative view, I never offered my thoughts on this situation. In my opinion, you have every right to be uncomfortable. I don't think that your husband should be pursing this friendship. I'll plead the Fifth on the woman involved, suffice to say I wouldn't do it 😊

so youre not allowed a male friend buthes allowed a female one

an he lies about it

then accuses you of cheating

hes having an affair