Husband has planned a secret meeting/ walk with an unknown woman.

[NC1258]

Have name changed for this, and please be kind, I feel all over the place.

Found out from DH's PC that he's planning on meeting another woman at a private, secluded venue for a chat and a walk. He's already told me he's doing something totally different at their agreed day/time - so lying already.

This has happened before with the same woman in the past. Previoulsy, I had expressed my concerns when I had again found out by pure chance after overhearing an hour long intense chat - the kind of raw converstaion you'd have with your best friend or partner, not some random person who means nothing to you.

I said I didn't feel a man and a woman could just be friends, especially as neither the other woman or my husband wish us to meet. Further, the conversation which I overheard although not romantic was not one you'd have with a standard friend or aqaintance and already I felt marriage boundaries were being if not crossed venturing into vulnerable waters.

Do any of your husbands have such female confidant type friends that they want to meet up with for secluded walks and chats that you don't have any contact with yourself? I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

(And yes I know I shouldn't have looked at his PC, but he's been behaving very odd the last few weeks and the screen was open with her name near the top - meaning recent converstaion).

You say you've had this conversation with him before. So he knows this is upsetting for you but is choosing to do it anyway. It doesn't really matter what is ok for othet people in their relationships. It isnt ok for you and your husband knows it.

I don't think the OP, or anyone else posting this sort of scenario, should be seen as controlling. It's quite clear from other posters that some people are not comfortable with their partner having close friends of the opposite sex.

Thinking about it my partner might not have been as relaxed about in our early years or when our kids, now grown/flown, were still dependant. There can be all sorts of cultural and background reasons why some people don't believe close friendships with the opposite sex are possible.

It's not that long ago that being seen in public with a man/woman who was not your spouse was potential reputational death. Women in pubs on their own was a total no no.

My own Mother, born in 1926, made it pretty clear she thought I was crossing a line seeing a colleague after work for drinks/food.

This ^^

My husband's closest friend is female but all above board and she's also a family friend. We're friends with her family too.
Absolutely no suspicions about her.

He could easily be planning to end it with OP. OP’s children are getting to the age when some men do plan to leave their wives, giving that their wives useful function in raising the children for them is coming to an end.

I'm so sorry op. Him accusing you of cheating is textbook.

My DH has two (separate) female friends he sees occasionally. I've met them both. He tells me where / when they meet. I have no issue with it

I think he's probably having an affair

And, possibly plans to leave when children are less dependent on you. Like PP, I've seen that pattern before

Sorry you're in thus situation. Stay strong. Brighter days ahead

Could it be a bit of a ‘catch 22’ situation? You don’t approve because he’s lying about it (and therefore you naturally think there’s more to it). but he may be lying about it because he thinks you won’t approve?

I think you should be a spin doctor.

I agree you can have friends of the opposite sex but it's all about context isn't it. If my husband became friends with a female and planned a day out somewhere private I would find that very strange and would think there's more to it. Having female friends you work with and going for a pub lunch or having a shared hobby with a friend you've had for years is different, and normally you would have met her and the partner.
What I find troubling is that you've made it clear you're upset by this friendship and yet he hasn't introduced you to put you at ease. It's all well and good people saying they would be ok with it but these things can turn into affairs let's be honest here.
If they are friends why haven't you met at all?

Would he be OK if you started meeting up with a man to go to the gym say?

It could be that he just likes her as a friend but I don't think his behaviour helps.

He only likes positivity, so doesn’t want to hear about your troubles or concerns or burdens or worries.
You are breaking yourself to provide every sort of support to him and your DC while your own wishes and peace of mind are totally ignored. You are conditioned by him, to carry the load and not complain.
All very convenient for him isn’t it. But life is too hectic for now, to add confrontation problems to the mix. I understand that.

The fact is, you should still be a team even as a SAHM, especially so, with challenging children to carefully nurture.

Of course you are going to put your children first, they are now so used to you being their comfort and security.
But he doesn’t put them before himself at all. If he did, he would want to be with you at the medical appointment rather than prioritising a secret golf game with another woman you aren’t allowed to meet or talk about.
He would want to spend time with his family instead of swanning off out with his mates instead of taking you all out. Does he consider you much at all OP ?

My feeling is that this woman means something to him that she shouldn’t mean to him. A bit of excitement ..or maybe more, who knows.
You would like to ignore it all and who can blame you. Confrontation will upset the children, which in turn upsets you even more.

But ignore this at your peril OP. He could be checking out of your family life with every conversation and meet up with her……slipping away with ease. You are right to be alarmed. Shame you can’t rely on him just to ease your concern.

I think it’s possible he is very well skilled in fobbing you off when you confront him, adding to your frustration and mental load.

Would it be better to have solid evidence that he lied to you first ?
Otherwise he will simply deny, -and cover his tracks more in the future.
A photo of them at the golf club and/or screenshots of conversations maybe.
If you give it some thought, is that possible at all ?

I’m sorry you find yourself in this position, the mistrust isn’t easy to live with.

Sorry wasnt meant to quote you 😂

But I would say that you know your husband's friend and family so you've been put at ease there unlike the op

Oh dear! 😬

If the meeting was genuinely platonic, he would’ve told you wouldnt he?

Accusing YOU of cheating this week is projecting - he is doing this.

Can you ask him to accompany you and your DD to the medical appointment? His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Sorry you are going through this. It does sound like you are carrying all the weight of the family. You sound a lovely person and do not deserve this.

If you want to save the marriage above all else the. Just talk to him. He may not be having an affair yet or you may want to try to save the marriage regardless. Explain that it makes you uncomfortable, ask to go to counselling etc
IMO he doesn’t sound worth it. You do everything and are completely committed to him and your family. He’s swanning off, accusing you of things you haven’t done and distancing himself from the family. I know it’s scary but it sounds like you’d be better off without him.

He's now saying you're having an affair? Thats probably to justify his behaviour meeting up in private with his friend.

There's definitely more to all of this.

He should be putting you at ease. You're his wife you should come first before this friend of his it's that simple.

@LAMPS1 well said.

Mine has close female friends that he sees to do various things, walk, watch sports games, go to gigs etc. but he would always tell me and if I wanted to go along I’d be welcome.

He had betrayed
Your trust regardless of the relationship with the women

This is enough to have frank conversation with him about your marriage

Tho if kids are in exams maybe
Wait a bit and she if
You can get
More info

My husband had two affairs, a ONS and a drunken snog that I'm aware of. After the fact mind. He didn't justify any of it and I wasn't a SAHM as I went back to work ft after both children as a teacher. I later found out he'd said I was boring and he deserved more. He did all his hobbies as well. @HateWorkingFulltime He said I was rude to his mother and didn't like his mates. He had the life of Riley really. He bought me a makeover. He likes women to be a bit glam so what he bothered with me in the first place for is a mystery.

Virgin/whore complex?(@JaneFrances ).

@NC1258, you are not controlling or unreasonable. This is emotional infidelity, at the least.

Your self-serving, entitled H is continuing to reach out to this woman who is not a friend of your marriage. He is sneaking around with, lying about, and intimately confiding in her while marginalizing you to outsider status.

In my view, he has an agenda and his accusing you of cheating is part of that. He is fabricating that absurdity to put distance between you and create a new narrative of victimhood to con the OW. I can just hear the tiny violins playing during their secluded rendezvous.

I don’t have a moment to myself. And he is a low-down, self-serving maggot for swerving his responsibilities and pursuing the ego massages of an illicit relationship when you are giving 1000% to him and your family, moving mountains to nurture and enrich the lives of your children who have additional challenges. Where is his love, respect, honesty and support?

@NC1258, you dread confronting him because of his manipulative bullying tactics, but you can feel confident that you are in the right. He is making a mockery of all of you. Read him the riot act, start making changes for yourself, and, if he doesn’t shape up, formulate an exit plan.

As other posters have said, aside from the fact your husband is certainly lying to you and possibly cheating, he sounds like an aawful husband,

You've taken the whole weight of your family on, and it appears not to have impacted him at all. You've stopped working, with all that entails now and in the future, particularly financially for you; you've taken on all of the children's care - children who need additional care and home scholling; you've given up all of your social life; Your life revolves around keeping your family happy and safe and looked after.

His life appears not to have changed. He's kept his career, his friends, his social life.

He must be uniquely stupid to think this is fair, or uniquely selfish if he knows it isn't fair but doesn't care.

Even if there was no issue of another woman, this is not a good basis for a marriage. One person working all the time and getting zero support or downtime, while the other has mates, social events, golf, and a career to build on.

And then there's the OW. He's lying to you, you know that much. Some posters have suggested that he may be lying because he knows it would give him grief if he told you the truth, but that doesn't make the lying OK. It means he knows he's doing something that upsets you (and which if he's got half a brain he knows would upset anyone) and yet he'd rather continue doing it than stop.

Lying to you. Meeting the same woman, secretly, this time in a secluded place.... yeah it doesn't look good.

The fact he has time to go for romantic walks (or even if we give him the benefit of the doubt, a friendlt walk) with another woman while his wife never gets downtime is shocking.

When was the last time he suggested a lovely walk in the countryside with you? Or suggested that you meet a friend for some downtime?

And to then suggest you've been unfaithful. Not only is that offensive in the circumstances, it suggests he has been, or is planning on being unfaithful. He's projecting, it's on his mind, he's trying to convince himself that you've done it to him so he can do it to you.

Lying is never ok in a marriage. I hope you're ok and you manage do get through this 🙏

I was definitely thinking this. Does he ever actually parent? No wonder you're pissed off.