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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having emotional affair

244 replies

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 01/06/2024 12:00

My husband has been quite cold with me for a few weeks. I pushed him on it and he said he has feelings for someone else. He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware.
What on earth do I do here?
I'm grateful he's told me, the honesty matters.
He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly (she is in his home country, but they work together remotely and occasionally in person, we live together in the uk)
We have two children together, I don't work.
I want to throw all of my toys out of the pram in the emotion of it all but I want to move forward with him.if I can.
What do I do here? My heart is broken.

OP posts:
Elizabeth889 · 08/06/2024 14:48

pikkumyy77 · 08/06/2024 12:38

OP you are handling this sudden Tornado so beautifully. And that is what it is—its not you, its not something you’ve done, its just an enormous flaw in his makeup. Like the hidden line of fracture in an otherwise good stone. Maybe you couldn’t make the sculpture you originally intended because a third of the piece broke off. But the first two thirds were good, gave you children, were enjoyable in their own way. Be brave—you are VERY brave—and find your future without him.

What a lovely piece of advice. Op, please, never blame yourself and never allow people to either. This is his choice, his doing and you, my lady, will go on to flourish without him.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 08/06/2024 16:04

pikkumyy77 · 08/06/2024 12:38

OP you are handling this sudden Tornado so beautifully. And that is what it is—its not you, its not something you’ve done, its just an enormous flaw in his makeup. Like the hidden line of fracture in an otherwise good stone. Maybe you couldn’t make the sculpture you originally intended because a third of the piece broke off. But the first two thirds were good, gave you children, were enjoyable in their own way. Be brave—you are VERY brave—and find your future without him.

This was just the message I needed thank you! I was up all night stressing about finances and the future. Today I sat and made a plan and had him come to set it. He wasn't ready but I was calm and kind and said its essential.
I'm not throwing any toys, I'm going to be as graceful as i can in this for my boys. But today I really had moments i could feel the start of a new life. Did a couple of jobs in the house I normally leave for him and cleared some stuff of his that drives me nuts.
Aside from this feeling a healthy approach I hope at some point it'll add more to the guilt and remove the excuse that I'm a difficult woman 😂

OP posts:
DaoineSidhe · 09/06/2024 19:39

well done, you are doing brilliant, don't slip for a moment and if you do, do not show him. He does not deserve you.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 09/06/2024 23:09

So we were out today for an event with the kids. I could tell something had changed again. Before he left he told me he wanted to come back. I feel at this point like I have whiplash!
Apparently ow has split with her husband. But he still chooses me and the kids.
I told him no for now. I've told him we should keep going with the separation plans, and I don't want him to move back in but I would be willing to try dating him and see how that feels for a while. I've told him I am going to have more questions about ow and that he should expect those from me. It felt good to be assertive and see him so surprised. Think he thought he'd just walk right back in!

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 09/06/2024 23:40

With all kindness op be careful he’s not choosing you for all the home comforts after a week at the hotel. I know deep down you love him and want him back but he’s changed his mind 3 times in one week!

You told the kids that he’s gone and not coming back and it will be really confusing and damaging for the kids if he is in and out of their lives like this.

Just be careful!

nextcrapthing · 09/06/2024 23:54

Agree with @Secondstart1001

Apparently ow has split with her husband. But he still chooses me and the kids.
um…if you were in OW’s position, why would she want to split up with her current husband for Nothing! They may have a plan to be together in the future but just want to buy time.
Hotel and rental cost is high at the mo with the cost of living crisis.

MsDogLady · 09/06/2024 23:57

This guy is a master game player who feels entitled to use all of you as his pawns. He assumes that you are so desperate to cling to him that he can breeze in and out of your lives with no concern about the wreckage he leaves in his wake. Your children’s well-being is the least of his concerns.

Date him at your own peril, @Allthegoodonesareg0ne.

Opentooffers · 10/06/2024 02:26

No accident that Sunday he changes his tune, the day before your planned solicitors appointment. You should still go and get as much advice as possible. You don't have to start proceedings yet, but even if you do, you can change your mind and stop them at any time. Probably fearful of how much it will cost and if he's with her, he won't be seeing the DC's much. Not a family man anymore, and the chains that he felt bound by he realises were a part of his identity, now hes less of a father. It's dawning on him what he's chucking away. But she still has the pull of attraction, and unless he changes his role or job so he doesn't need to travel over and work with her, you shouldn't even try dating, as he will be still intermittently shagging her, as he no doubt has been, and only last week too.

PoopingAllTheWay · 10/06/2024 02:40

Speak to the other husband

I bet you that she and her husband are giving it another go and she has dumped your husband

In the nicest way possible

DO NOT BE A MUG

pikkumyy77 · 10/06/2024 03:01

Keep going with the separation plans. At best you could consider dating him ahain but with s croticsl eye. He is an employee who quit without notice after embezzling the funds. He has s long way to go to earn back your trust.

KomodoOhno · 10/06/2024 06:08

MsDogLady · 09/06/2024 23:57

This guy is a master game player who feels entitled to use all of you as his pawns. He assumes that you are so desperate to cling to him that he can breeze in and out of your lives with no concern about the wreckage he leaves in his wake. Your children’s well-being is the least of his concerns.

Date him at your own peril, @Allthegoodonesareg0ne.

OP you are not being assertive. Nor have you won him from the OW. This is no way to live and there will be nothing ahead except hell for you and your children. That is until he really does leave you.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 10/06/2024 06:35

Thank you all. It does me good to read all of your common sense and logic!
I'm still going to the solicitor of course to see where I stand. I will speak to the other DH too. What a roller coaster this has been. He's messaged this morning still pushing to move back in. I've said no of course, we'll see how he gets about that, I think that will tell me a lot too

OP posts:
Bornnotbourne · 10/06/2024 06:48

He’s trying to manipulate you, well done for not standing for it.
I also would check and see if she has returned to her husband.

Chatonette · 10/06/2024 07:15

Good for you OP. Saying no to moving back in as I’d continuing with the solicitor is a great idea. You said before that he announced to the children that he was leaving. What has changed? I would flat-out ask him. And I would be in contact with OW’s DH—and not take their separation at DH’s word.
I know MN is very much a LTB arena, but you do have every right to consider salvaging your relationship. Dating, as you say, is a good way to move forward to see how genuine he is. If I were in this position and wanted to save my marriage, I would personally:

  • date him, but not allow him to move in
  • continue with my solicitor progression
  • claim child maintenance immediately
  • insist on marriage counselling immediately (all questions must be answered and all boundaries set by you must be adhered to)
  • continue contact with OW’s DH
Only then would I be able to decide if I was happy to continue. It’s your marriage, and it’s up to you to decide if the good outweighs the bad. I would recommend protecting yourself and getting your ducks in a row in the meantime. Deciding whether to rebuild will take time and his actions toward you and your boundaries while you decide what YOU want will speak volumes. Make him play the puck me game while you decide what you want.
Bornnotbourne · 10/06/2024 07:33

@Chatonette sums it up beautifully. BUT do not sleep with him unless he has a full clear STI panel done, you clearly are considering trusting him with your heart but please don’t trust anyone with your health.

Chatonette · 10/06/2024 07:47

Yes…no sex! I forgot that one!

Elasticatedtrousers · 10/06/2024 07:48

Utterly in agreement with @Chatonette but I’d also add get yourself a copy of two key books.

  • leave a cheater gain a life
  • How to help my spouse heal from my affair

The first really unpicks why people cheat and will make you see just how utterly predictable this all is. It would also be utterly predictable that he will try to win you back and then chase the OW again. Affairs are addictive and deliver quite the highs. They’re utterly selfish and entitled.

The second book really is a road map out of infidelity and really helps unpick the actions a remorseful partner will take.

Knowledge is power in these situations.

Id advise individual counselling for you both before going anywhere near relationship counselling. He was the broken one not your marriage and you need to be careful that he doesn’t try to sell you this rubbish.

Personally I’d get some emotional distance before making any decisions. Keep this creep at arms length for the time being and watch.

Chatonette · 10/06/2024 08:23

I will say this, OP. My mum had an affair. He too was married with children. I don’t know the ins me outs of what the adult conversations were, but my siblings and I moved out of the family home into a rented flat with our mother. After a few months, she begged my dad to take her back and we were all back in the family home again. She then carried on with the OM and both marriages eventually ended in divorce.
If you want to rebuild, go into it slowly and with your eyes wide open.

GetTheTattoo · 10/06/2024 08:55

He's an utter shithouse to try to Plan B you just a few days after walking out on his children.

Diarygirlqueen · 10/06/2024 09:23

He sat down and told his children he no longer loved you and moved out. To do that, he definitely was 100% invested with the OW. If this has been going on since 2022, there is heavy emotions involved. Please tread carefully, if you do take him back do you think you will be able to trust him? Will he be safe for you? You don't deserve this and I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in the months ahead x

IhateSPSS · 10/06/2024 09:34

This is not at all fair on the DC. They are being exposed to adults who can't make their minds up about who they want to have sex with, when you boil it down it's that simple. Your DH is undecided who he wants to have sex with. Put them first, not your broken marriage. You didn't break it, it isn't your job to fix it.

It is however your job to protect your DC and teach them that it isn't okay to let people disrespect you. Centre them instead of a man who is lead by his genitals and not decency. It is the best parenting you can do for them and protects you from future regret. I speak from experience here that DC notice, and watch your reaction to things that make them feel unsafe and confused. In the long term, I am telling you now they will will not thank you for letting someone who isn't committed to the family dynamic walk all over you and the family peace.

Duh · 10/06/2024 11:26

OP I am in awe of how you are dealing with this but please be careful. I believe this is another of his lies and the OW has likely rejected him or expressed a desire to have children in the future which was not his plan. He is not worthy of your trust ever again.

CleanShirt · 10/06/2024 11:41

Really sorry OP. Agree with PP's, he's not "chosen" you, he's manipulating you and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Original poster
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 10/06/2024 12:30

IhateSPSS · 10/06/2024 09:34

This is not at all fair on the DC. They are being exposed to adults who can't make their minds up about who they want to have sex with, when you boil it down it's that simple. Your DH is undecided who he wants to have sex with. Put them first, not your broken marriage. You didn't break it, it isn't your job to fix it.

It is however your job to protect your DC and teach them that it isn't okay to let people disrespect you. Centre them instead of a man who is lead by his genitals and not decency. It is the best parenting you can do for them and protects you from future regret. I speak from experience here that DC notice, and watch your reaction to things that make them feel unsafe and confused. In the long term, I am telling you now they will will not thank you for letting someone who isn't committed to the family dynamic walk all over you and the family peace.

Totally appreciate this, thank you. This is a huge part of why I want at least 6 months of dating and seeing where we are before the kids get wind if it. Seeing what they've been through is the worst of it all. I want to continue to support them in feeling safe and loved in our new unit of 3. No intention of them knowing at all if there is any prospect of any reconciliation for a long time. My head has been spinning for the last 9 days, I don't know what's best for now for me but for them it's absolutely seeing that they have two parents who adore them, but live apart and are not together.
Our plan is that he will rent somewhere for at least 6 months. Every other weekend he'll come and stay here and I'll go elsewhere. Thats not changing if we date. They won't see anything other than us making an effort to be friends.
Sorry If I didn't make that clear.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 10/06/2024 12:49

I think it's very foolish to consider 'dating' him. He told your children he doesn't love you and he left. I don't understand why that alone isn't enough for you to say 'I'm done'. He's already proved to you that he's a cheat and a liar - what more evidence do you need to make you realise you and your children are better off without him?