Husband having emotional affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

My husband has been quite cold with me for a few weeks. I pushed him on it and he said he has feelings for someone else. He promised nothing has physically happened, but the feeling is mutual and her husband is also aware.
What on earth do I do here?
I'm grateful he's told me, the honesty matters.
He says he's not sure if he Still loves me or if he loves here but they are talking regularly (she is in his home country, but they work together remotely and occasionally in person, we live together in the uk)
We have two children together, I don't work.
I want to throw all of my toys out of the pram in the emotion of it all but I want to move forward with him.if I can.
What do I do here? My heart is broken.

Sorry Op, I'd agree with this. Don't let him mug you off again.

I'm not sure I can even explain to myself why I'd consider it in all honesty. From start to finish I've not dealt with any of this the way I would have predicted.
I think my shock and hurt has been so extreme I've only really been able to be dragged along with it all. I've tried to respond from an authentic place to each new blow.
I wonder if I'll decide in a few weeks that it's all just unforgivable, i wonder if I'll get really mad at some point and of course I worry that he's just messing with my head again.
Less than 2 weeks ago this man was the centre of my world and everything that felt like safety and home to me. Even through all this, while I've been in so much pain, my instinct is to reach to him for Comfort , and I'm aware of how dangerous that is right now.
I feel like I've managed to get some sensible practical and emotional measures in place to keep the children safe, feeling loved and secure (given the circumstances) and they are coping well considering. I'm interviewing for jobs and getting ducks in a row for divorce.
I don't know why I'm OK with dating but i feel I want to explore that. I'm already in therapy (have been for the lady ten months thank goodness!) And I have told all my rl friends and found I have the most incredible support system right behind me.
I'll keep muddling on with caution

People here can share their vast knowledge and experience with you, but ultimately it's your life and your children's lives and you have to do what you think is right for you and them. Just bear in mind that this is still very early days and you probably haven't been hit full by the anger yet. You're still in the foothills.

I think it would be a good idea to find out why he’s done a 360 back to you.
Did she dump him? Only then you can make an informed decision , as he’s treating you and the kids like an option. I really hope it works out for you.

7th June -

Well, that's that. He's explained to the kids he no longer loves me and he won't be back.

9th June -

Before he left he told me he wanted to come back. Apparently ow has split with her husband. But he still chooses me and the kids. I told him no for now. I've told him we should keep going with the separation plans, and I don't want him to move back in but I would be willing to try dating him and see how that feels for a while. It felt good to be assertive and see him so surprised.

WTF?! So literally 48 hours after he told your children that he was leaving and that he doesn't love you anymore he wants to come back?! And you think by saying you would be prepared to "date" him, that you're being assertive...?! I'd be telling him to take a fucking hike!!!

Are you not bothered at all by the fact he is in love with someone else? And that he was planning on leaving you and starting a life with her?! And that - most likely - as soon as the OW clicks her fingers again he'll ditch you without a second thought?!

Sorry but he's just bouncing back and forth between the two of you depending on what suits him (as others have said, OW has probably told him she's not leaving her DH so now he's realised he's in the shit) and you're just allowing him to walk all over you.

All of this

OP you’ve done well.
But dating him? That’s a no from me.

Because a few days ago this arsehole told your kids he wasn’t coming back. He had fully made up his mind at that point. He was prepared to leave his kids and stay in hotels so he could be with someone who lives in another country who he shagged at a work residential a week or so ago.

She’s either binned him off or he’s worked out that he can’t face the financial reality of a divorce. Or someone has advised him he should have stayed in the house.

He can fuck off.

I’m sorry your DH turned out to be a selfish twat 💐

Op. Fgs no. No. No

So he gets to live the single life, do minimal parenting and go on fun dates with you for 6 months?

Eurgh. Thank you so much all of you for giving my head a wobble.
My head and heart are just not working as a team are they 😞
Last night was the first night I've slept in 9 days. I was so relieved to hear he still wants me. Meanwhile today I've been here doing my thing with my boys feeling like we've really got this.
Maybe it's not him I need at all, but my self esteem?

That will come with time. But he's really doing a number on you. Don't let him x

While still messing g with the OW. It couldn't get much better for DH could it?

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. I think the desire to just fix things and get him back will be so strong right now, but my guess is that once the dust settles, you will get angry and upset at what he did and what it says about your relationship- he chose someone else, told the children he was leaving and was happy to do that. Who does that? I wouldn't feel bad you want him back right now as you want to mend things so badly- this will in time be replaced by the reality and I think you will probably be very angry indeed.

This is a man who is willing to destabilize his children over and over. He is a horrible father.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne, how would you feel if your boys were abused like this in their future by self-serving, narcissistic partners — deceived, cheated on, repeatedly jerked around? Should they do the pick me dance after being trampled on?

How would you feel if they were the perpetrators of the abuse, in part because of the relationship model they absorbed?

Please don’t date your abuser.

So he wants to come back, does he? And he thinks a couple of 'hey, you won, you lucky woman!' texts will swing it? Cheeky bastard.

He should be crawling to you, begging your forgiveness and explaining exactly how he is going to fix the mess he made. Anything less than that is an absolute insult, quite frankly.

Maybe it's not him I need at all, but my self esteem?

yes lovey that’s exactly what you need xxx

do not let him mess with your head like this. He left, he told the DC he didn’t love you and he was off

2 days later OW dumps him (probably in utter horror that he thought they actually had a future when she thought it was just sex and fun with no intention of leaving her DH)

and oddly enough he now wants to come back

no, not without at the very least a full and complete acknowledgment and understanding of what he’s done and done nuclear level grovelling apologies

If you let him come back, it will be only a matter of time before he's chasing another woman

I think you’ve touched on something which is self esteem. Your H must have tapped into this, so he knows you’d welcome getting back together. It’s something that needs to be really explored. It’s natural that you want to go back to something that felt “safe” but you need to see how safe you really feel when he’s got a work trip or he’s blowing hot and cold again. It’s not just about “dating” again - you never stopped loving your H, it’s trying to make him connect with you. That aside, dating might be fun but how confident are you that this will lead the foundation to rebuild your marriage.

I think you're under absolutely no obligation to decide anything. He can move out, sort himself out to take the kids 50/50 and if at some point you feel differently then fine. But you should absolutely not be deciding at this stage to 'date' a known cheater.

Put it this way; if you get divorced and start dating, would you put your faith in a known cheater and introduce him to your kids? Of course not.

Yes! And imagine how good you’ll feel about yourself when you tell this piece of shit that you deserve much more than him.
You have literally just found out that he’s been having sex with another woman. Then he told your kids he didn’t love you…How on earth can you consider dating him
again 3 days later?
What has changed in 3 days?
He’s been shagging her for 2 years.
The fact he expected just to waltz back into your home after doing all of that shows you his utter arrogance and lack of genuine respect for you and the family you have built.
Time to find your anger.

Have read the updates . I know you are hurting and in intense pain just now .
It is understandable in your situation to try and turn back the clock . You want the pain to go away and will do anything just now to sort out the pain . The immediate easy thing to do is to try and reconcile whether this is dating or other means .

Your marriage was like a precious vase that you took care of . He didn't , he smashed it into pieces along with your heart and the stability for your family .
I am not saying that you can't repair it but just that a lot of work needs to be done to do so . Work primarily by him . What remorse has he shown , what is he going to do to fix it ?

You can't take anything he says at face value , as he was the one who deceived and lied to you over and over again and prioritised the OW over you and the kids . You can't trust him
just now . He has shown you that he is willing to prioritise his own needs over what is best for your family .

What is your husband doing to address his cheating/ behaviour ?
I think it is too premature to try dating . He is essentially saying that he wants to go back to the excitement and newness of dating . He no doubt got that excitement from the OW . You have a history and kids and whether he likes it or not , that does involve boring parts and putting your spouse and kids first .

Take legal advice , you are in shock and physically reeling . You have to do things on your own timetable .
You need to put your own mental health & well-being first,
to enable you to continue to be the great mother that you are .

Although it is an American website , lots of people in similar situations have recommended Surviving Infidelity .

Lean on your support network and take care .

Christ what a week op, you've been to hell and back and this shows no signs of stopping, he's completely kicked you in the stomach and is continuing to do so with his words and actions.

Your poor children, he's a dreadful father and a completely unsafe husband and partner, what a wanker, you must hate him and probably love him at the same time.
I can't quite believe he's asked to date you, he's obviously got used to the high octane lifestyle of cheating, lying and being a complete bastard and thinks you should be up there with him, continuing to support his fantasy meltdown.

Now breathe....

You do not have to do fuck all for this man, it won't make a jot of difference at the moment anyway because he's away with the fairies, he's going to come back down to earth one day but not yet, and I know you want the pain to stop, anything to regain some equalibrium and get your strength back, do whatever you need to do but your actions can be as meaningless as his were to your marriage, use him to pull yourself up if needs be, this is survival time, make sure you eat, drink and sleep.
Maybe you want to get him back just to screw their relationship up, do it, nobody will judge you and hopefully discard him later.

Just remember though you are going to change, your feeling towards him will change and from that you may change direction, I hope you gather some strength together, but in your own time, you need to recover from this devastating blow.

What he's done and how he's done it is so cruel, don't forget that, I'm sure you won't.

Keep posting for support, I wish you and your children well. Be aware of how traumatic this has been on all of you, the stress in your home must be off the scale, that man does not deserve to waltz back into cozy rooms.

I cannot thank you enough for posting this. Its exactly what I needed. I have just needed the pain to stop, I haven't eaten in a week and last night was my first bit of proper sleep.
The thought of him happily ever after with ow was high up on the list of thoughts that's been killing me. I spoke to her dh today. They are finished. And my 'd'h has said he's been getting messages from her as she's furious I spoke to her dh , and now she's furious with him that she's blown up her marriage for nothing. That's very satisfying.
I'm so immensely grateful for the support here and irl. It's keeping me going.

Don't worry love, we're all the same, it fucking kills.

There are a million ways to extricate an man from your heart, it takes time and the journey along the way may involve you pulling him down a peg or two and a bit of retribution, do it your way, in your style.

Ultimately we want you back on your feet to be able to make the choices you want when you are stronger.

Men like him deserve nothing, it may also help if you read up on narcissism as that can help you find coping stategies for dealing with men who clearly have no concience or empathy.

He has done a very bad thing to you and your children, he deserves no mercy, you are entitled to destroy him, obviously the best move is to go no contact and forget him but that takes time, strength and confidence.
One day at a time lovely, you've had a major blow., look after yourself and those babies and do not jump to his tune, you are in charge now.

By the way, I'm so pleased this ow no longer has cozy rooms.

What a vile entitled pair they are.