Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

How bloody rude. You spent a decent sum of money to take him away and he's sulky about carrying a towel? And he's been unkind and made you cry, please don't cry @Miserableinpenzance , he's not worth your tears. He's got you so used to everything being his way, you should be annoyed not crying, but you're too used to making him happy.
Please think calmly about this Op, is he only happy when you're where he wanted, is everything perfect when he arranges it because it's exactly as he wants? You are allowed to have your own likes and dislikes and your own opinion. It's going to be a long and unhappy life with a man who can't give and take.

He sounds very inflexible and controlling.
and from the examples you give it only takes one small thing to go wrong and that rules out that experience for ever.
(the example of only agreeing to weekend breaks due to him not telling a new employer he was unavailable to start with them until x date…)

So what happens when he has a delay at the airport on the next trip? He will then veto all air travel?

Or in the future you have a baby with him and the baby’s nappy leaks in the hotel - no more hotel breaks?

Your world is becoming smaller.

How is he with friends especially your friends. I wonder if he has lots of experiences of people ‘being funny’ with him meaning you don’t spend much time with others?

Even if his controlling behaviour is anxiety based (I’m not suggesting it is but people on this type of thread do tend to throw in such examples) he needs to make a decision to deal with it. And if he doesn’t wish to that’s fine, but your decide is this what you really want from a relationship?

Oh God I can already see the future… op is a beleaguered downtrodden wife left dealing with all the domestics and pinned down with two demanding toddlers and she posts on MN that Mr Man-baby-expenses-spreadsheet is being a complete dick over some minor infringement of his right to live any way he wants…

Why are you so eager to please this dipstick op? Why are you not more angry that it’s all about him and not about you both?

Do you really want to live a life to an excel spreadsheet?

Even if he was very disappointed with the gift or hated it, the way he responded is not OK.

Does he react like this to all of life's little disappointments? If so, don't have kids, whatever you do. He will spend his life sulking and stropping.

Don't accept the scraps he throws you, just because you're relieved he's not still being angry.

You deserve a lot better.

I'd be doing something by myself today. I wouldn't want to see him until I'd calmed down. Has he apologised?

OP, honestly, you sound scared of him. Are you scared of him? Because right now I'd bet any currency you like that your whole "I'm chill and like doing whatever" thing is just a cover for being scared of crossing him.

He's very rigid. He won't cope well with a baby.

Good grief he sounds like a toddler unable to regulate his emotions and he’s lashing out at you. Then calming down which makes you calm down too.
What an ungrateful shit.

The issue isn't whether it's a good or bad present it's that he was so nasty about it.

Choosing someone like that as the father of your future kids is a bad idea. Why would you do that to a child.

I would love your present. He sounds like a baby man child.

I'd be blown away with that as a gift.

Even if I wasn't keen, if my partner had put so much thought and effort in, I wouldn't behave like a mardy kid.

Think carefully about TTC with this man child.

Control freak alert! 🚩 are you sure you want to have children with him?

Reading your posts OP it’s seems he only likes what he’s booked, where he’s decided you can go and how he decides you travel.

I’d be seriously reconsidering tying myself for life to such a man by having a child with him.

The only bit I'd dislike is it sounds like you are not in same compartment but both sharing with other people?

Which I'd not particularly enjoy.

Still no need to make someone cry over it.

So this. You really need an adult to partner you in parenthood. Nit a man baby. Someone who is not selfish, because that will ruin so much for your children. He is showing you that he is not father material. Listen.

He likes the hotel? Well whoop dee doo.

Has he apologised for making you cry?

You obviously have a high income, so he could very easily have said oh I really don't think I'll do well on a sleeper, it makes me tired and moody and that wouldn't be great for you or me, so how about we go ahead with the holiday, but book a quick flight instead.

Or he could have said sorry I hate sleepers so much I'd rather not go. You go with a friend instead, have a great time, and we'll celebrate my birthday next week.

Or he could have said ok I won't sleep well so let's have a quiet day in Penzance, just lie on the beach perhaps.

He CHOSE to do something he didn't want to do...in order to have something to have a go at you about.

I think it's really important that you recognise this.

He's probably not self-aware enough to realise it himself (but he does know he's being nasty and that his behaviour is unacceptable). He probably has an anxiety disorder of some kind. His passive aggressive, resentful stance in life suggests he has huge amounts of anger pent up and he's taking it out on you. It's definitely about control. Whatever it's about, it's not your responsibility to understand it, worry about it, let it affect your life in any way whatsoever. It's HIS responsibility to get some help, therapy, and change his behaviour.

I mean ffs shower, wet towel. He's the wet towel you're having to carry around everywhere. Who wants such baggage? Ugh.

Or is he acting as if he's being gracious about the fact he likes the hotel? Thus making you grateful you haven't incurred his displeasure again?

I had an ex just like him. I know the drill.

I mean he's being a bit of an ungrateful twat but on the other hand that doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy either, but I would have thought being your DH you'd know by now what he would like or wouldn't like?

He sounds like a massive dick.

If he's like this often when things are not going exactly his way, you're making a huge mistake TTC with him.

Pregnancy and new baby are times when everything cannot revolve around the man being kept happy.

Don't rely on him having an epiphany and suddenly becoming more giving and kind, they generally get worse when you're tied to them through a child.

Sorry but a man who strops is so unattractive, so negative.
Can't stand people like that, nevermind being with one
Positive people with a "oh well let's make the best of it" attitude are where it's at.

Presumably that excuses his shit behaviour earlier then and all is rosy now and you can stop crying and walking on eggshells until he finds something else he doesn't like and has another massive strop 👏

Good luck OP

Gosh, you poor thing, @Miserableinpenzance.

Think how much nicer your life would be if you didn’t have to spend it placating the enormous toddler you’ve tied yourself to …

Hope he doesn’t mind it is sunny in Cornwall

Seems like you're the only one booking these trips for this big man baby? How does the finances of that work? Why's it just you?

I'd say stop booking them and see if he notices. It doesn't feel like he appreciated your efforts. Say nothing. Just don't do it any more.

Don't have kids with him. He will strop if you want to do stuff that he doesn't like. You'll be the one at soft play on your own wondering why you never see each other these days, and it'll be because he doesn't want to do stuff as a family (or makes such a fuss and has a grump on and he's no fun to make come along to kids football or dancing class).

Nope.

He's got issues.

If he can't get his act together I'd be off. It could be there's other stuff going on with him that you don't know about. I'd want to find out. Does he lack in empathy? Is he thoughtful and kind to you like you are to him? Or are you flogging a dead horse of a relationship and he's not that into you and you just keep trying to please him with treats in the hope things will get better?

Sorry if I'm way wrong. There's sometimes a backstory to MN posts.