Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

I would feel a bit panicked if I was presented with this as a surprise. I'd try not to show it if I thought it was making my husband happy, but I'm not very good at hiding what I think.

He shouldn't sulk though, that's ridiculous. If he genuinely doesn't enjoy that sort of thing he should speak about it so you're not under the impression that he'd like to do it again.

Were/are your parents similar in nature to your now H?.

I would seriously reconsider ttc and actually go back on birth control. Don’t bring kids into this, it’s bad enough that you’re in this relationship with this controlling fun sponge who I dare say does not act like this around his work colleagues or people in the outside world. His controlling and therefore abusive treatment is reserved for you.

He will never go away for a week or to sunny places with his kids either because he does not want to. Life will be run in that house by his wishes and wants I.e to his precisely priced up excel spreadsheet.

Sounds lovely to me

Sulking behaviour is an example of emotional abuse but the responsibility for his sulking is all his. Do not try and jolly him out of it.

The weather is lovely get yourself up to the Gurnards Head and have a nice brunch - leave him on the train

Where do you get that from? Some sleepers have single berth compartments. Op booked so that her h didn't have to go on a top bunk.

Yes it was the comment on both having lower Berths. I assumed it meant sharing.

I go to Cornwall alot. The sleeper train is on my bucket list. It's so rude to react like that imo - irrespective of thoughts.
Have to say Penzance is a bit of a dump. But get yourself down to St Micheals mount.
I hope you enjoy yourself xx

Is he like this often or is this a bit of a one-off? And is there anything stressful going on in his life?

It took me a while to realise this but my DH sometimes when overtired or very stressed will blurt out what I call 'angry bullshit' that sounds dramatic but it's just actually momentary venting and he seems to have forgotten about it soon after. Obviously, people shouldn't be like that when they're tired or stressed ideally, but some people are just not good at reining it in. I think when it's a problem is when you sense that a person is 'using' that anger or disapproval and holding it over you to control your behaviour.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday - but give it a think about whether this angry behaviour is stressed venting or a sign of something else.

Echoing others. Do not have children with him. They are unpredictable by their nature. When they are little they don’t sleep. When they are teenagers they sleep all day and are out at night. What will he be like if they have play dates, bring back friends or are unwell? He won’t be able to cope and will put himself first.

Yes I agree I strongly recommend you don't have children with him

Oh no one is interested in the man's preferences, I meant what do his 'strops' involve? Shouting, tantrumming?
Your replies are all about holiday preferences.

Perhaps he just doesn't like surprises? My family are great and just discuss things. Fancy an overnight train and holiday in Cornwall for your birthday?

Just to throw out an alternative opinion but are you being hyper sensitive to a bit of grumpiness? Did he say he hated the present or have you inferred that? You said that his strop involved complaining about the lack of shower and not being able to sleep on sleeper trains. Was that all that happened? Are you possibly over invested in his moods and choices? If my partner refused to use the shower, for example at a campsite that I had booked. I wouldn’t necessarily infer that he hated the whole trip, I would just leave him to it. On the other side, if I was grumpy because I hadn’t slept well I would be a bit put out of my partner ended up in tears over that!

Yes, you’ve commented that all the holidays are to places he likes - what about what you like? Do you ever get to choose a holiday, or a day out, that he wouldn’t like?

When you become a parent, you have to put your children first a lot of the time, and will end up doing things you don’t enjoy (soft play, for example). He sounds selfish and immature. I’d be rethinking your relationship.

Is he often like this, or did it feel out of character?

Imagine this man being your dad.

Growing up in a house where you're always on eggshells, anticipating the next controlling outburst, seeing him making your mum cry.

Having lifelong issues as a result.

This is your children's future OP.

Your future children deserve a kind, loving dad and a happy home. Please don't give them this man as their dad. They deserve much, much better than him.

This kind of petulance and lack of graciousness does not bode well for when you have children, OP.

I agree with other posters that all of this sounds like what he wants - you sound as if you always tailor everything to him how is a child going to work

He's really ungrateful and rude
Don't have kids with him, why would you even want sex after this behaviour?

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

I don’t want to sound ageist but I read it as a 70 year old man who was throwing a tantrum because he’s stuck in his ways.

The fact that you’re quite a young couple makes it 10x worse.

He sounds like a spoilt little brat!

Even if he absolutely hated it, you would act appreciative because that’s what you do when someone has put in a lot of effort for you.

There are absolutely no excuses for his behaviour, he’s a grown man and he’s literally acting like a child.

Is he usually like this?

Does he just not like the fact that it was you who planned it?

Do you ever get a say on the other holidays or is it always his domain?

He likes holidays but we have often opted for less comfortable ways of getting to places if it was efficient and saved money.

We spent 13k in the last year on holidays which we can afford (and still overpay the mortgage) and a disproportionate chunk of that was because we visited family and had to spend 2 weeks in a nearby hotel as his grandfather's home was too overcrowded and many of his family members can't afford to stay at a hotel. My family are overseas too. But we do want to see the world so we are fine with being a bit economical. I guess I should just have booked a hotel for £180 per night for Friday night if need be.

Not often cos I know him pretty well. But sleeper trains like I said isn't something we usually do so I didn't know the reaction would be that bad. I mean we fly ryanair all the time lol so I thought he was fine with uncomfortable travel for one night plus sleeper train has beds and even rishi sunak went on it! He did one entire day campaigning after it and we all know he has higher expectations.

I haven't been on birth control for 9 years and never had a baby. We have fertility difficulties from that perspective (have ttc for 10 months and nothing, this is another reason why we have weekend breaks so it's not much of a wrench to cancel if I did get pregnant).

In a sense ttc is out of my hands. When I say we didn't use birth control we used rhythm or withdraw

My dad is very picky and a cleanliness freak tbh. I guess I am used to it. I think my dad would be appreciative of a gifted holiday if I planned it.

He is a moaner and keen to criticise. I'm guessing he's generally quite opinionated.
I think the only way to put up with him is probably develop a thick skin and ignore his whinging, as crying is likely to perpetuate the bad atmosphere he's generating. He might get over himself quicker by being ignored until you get to the next part - in this case the hotel he approves of. Then move on from it and enjoy the rest of the trip.