Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

So it's just whenever you book something that he kicks off?

He's acting like a spoilt child, I wouldn't want to have a baby with him. Anyway if he's a "light sleeper" and can't cope with a train, then he'll never manage to transition to parenthood.

I'd be seriously considering my future with him

@FitAt50

Even if you get a present you don't like, you pretend and smile.

Not from your spouse. Why smile and pretend, as that may get you a similar gift in the future.

My husband once bought me a gift (kitchen appliance) I didn't like and I told him so. It was our first Christmas being married (25 years ago) and he's never bought that type of gift again. I made it clear that I never wanted a household item as a gift.

I have to say that the gift OP got wouldn't thrill me either. I like travel, but hours on a sleeper train just wouldn't be what I expected from him. The idea of showering at the train station, just seems inconvenient and like a hassle.
My husband also likes travelling, but it wouldn't be his idea of a good gift.

This all comes down to knowing your partner well enough.

The intention was good, but he doesn't like it. He should be able to tell his wife that. It doesn't make him miserable for doing so. If you can't be honest with your wife about this, it's not a great thing.

Maybe, the way he had said it is more the problem.

I'm not a great sleeper, and am quite particular about being able to shower/use a bathroom, but even I think it sounds like a brilliant gift and a bit of an adventure!

When I read your post I assumed your DH was older - late 60s maybe - so was very surprised that you are ttc.

Do you both change jobs a lot? It seems an odd restriction to only go away for weekends in case you decide to get a new job? DH and I both have successful careers with lots of internal and external moves and have never had an issue with going on holiday...

It was that one time we had to cancel a trip. They demanded it. We felt like we couldn't say no as it was a 15k salary jump.

Wasn't the money lost but both hated that we had looked forward to it and then couldn't go

Good grief.

Imagine being with a man who strops over one - count them - one inconvenient or missed shower.

Who will never travel to a hot country.

Who will never take a normal length holiday, so all your trips away are two thirds travelling there and back. Never any long period of relaxation.

Who has to be in control of everything you do together for leisure.

It would be unbearable.

And just imagine adding an actual baby to the mix …

OP this is not normal behaviour. It's fine not to like a present. It's not fine to behave like a spoilt baby and make your OH cry over it. How much time does your DH spend doing thoughtful things for you that he knows you will like? Where are you in this relationship? It sounds like it's all about him and his needs.

Take a look at the relationships board for a look at what the future holds if you have kids with this man toddler. Get ready to shoulder responsibility for your kids sleeping/ not making a mess/ toilet training because he can't stand the noise/ tiredness/ grossness and will make you feel bad or upset if you suggest that he could help out a bit.

There are so many red flags just in your few posts OP! Why do you only go to places HE likes? What about what you like? Does he strop and sulk like a toddler over other aspects of life? Is he as self-absorbed and rude when it comes to other people or just you?

The not going on holiday because you had to cancel one once is downright bizarre.

I'd certainly be reconsidering having a baby with him. What'll happen when he has broken sleep for weeks in a row due to a crying baby, instead of one night due to a thoughtful surprise and birthday adventure?

We never go to sunny places. He likes the Nordics.

We go to Luxembourg, Dublin, Stockholm Copenhagen, Bergen, Oslo, Madrid (in winter), Iceland, Bristol, Bath, Salzburg etc

I'm curious, what about you, what do you like? What does he get you for presents?

Yeah I'm one of those people who won't use Ryanair if it can be avoided. Being awake all night on a train would put a dampner on any holiday and I wouldn't be looking forward to traipsing around Cornwall while exhausted.
It's just a lesson I suppose , you know now that sleeper trains are not his thing

What. Do. You. Like. Doing. OP?

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. He won't be able to cope with the changes in his life that babies bring, especially lack of sleep. Babies can break a relationship when one of the parents is selfish, moody, uncaring, angry, disrespectful, unhelpful and just generally a nasty person.

I will also bet my house that if you do ignore this thread and have child with him you will be doing all the night wakes, all the care, the extra house chores, the days off work when they are sick, taking them to/from nursery. Basically being a single parent while he berates you for ... well, anything.

Read what @frozendaisy said very carefully.

I have a friend who married a guy like this. Not the same issues but it was always all about what he wanted.

Couple of decades on, he still pleases himself and she does all the work with the kids he said he wanted.

Well it's beautiful weather in Cornwall today op so I'd ditch the miserable husband to have a nap and get out and explore

I like travel too. I am easy tbh. Train plane bus whatever.. don't mind whatever hotel as long as its not too grotty. Premier inn is great.. I don't like to spend too much money on one trip would rather go to lots more places instead. We do have that in common, we have an excel computing the total cost of each break.

I love living museums. My favorite holiday is to see beamish and black country living museum. We do go there too!

I am a light sleeper and I have been, literally, across the world on sleeper trains - all of Europe and Asia and some of North America too. It's fine. It's not the best night's sleep you've ever had, but it's a perfectly fine sleep and nothing an adult shouldn't be able to deal with for one night.

He sounds rigid, petulant, moody, controlling, and unkind. All of these qualities will mix very badly with children. I would recommend you do some serious thinking OP.

And I love a sleeper train. So exciting to go to bed in one place and wake up in another. Weirdly, insomniac child can also sleep on them and is way less annoying than when stuck in a car seat.

Not sure DH loves sleepers quite so much but he loves me...and doesn't enjoy child kicking the back of the seat for 5 hours...so...efficiency gains.

Does he have form for ruining special occasions with strops, and for making you feel like you're walking on eggshells trying to find things that won't make him throw a strop? It certainly sounds like he's the type. So many of them described on these boards, by women who have gradually learned that their own preferences and wants don't matter.

Do not breed with this controlling wanker. Your life will be miserable forever!

Yes. Go and book yourself a lovely holiday immediately, OP. Solo.

I am keen to go on the slipper train to Cornwall do for what it's worth I think it's a lovely thoughtful gift and your dh is a dick.

What I would have written. He’s sulky. He’d be a sulky dad. Don’t procreate with him. It’d be a nightmare.

He sounds insufferable op. Sleeper trains are brilliant!

He likes the hotel at least. He said its very nice.

I got it at a very good price too.

Don’t fall into the trap of feeling grateful for scraps he throws your way. Remember, he’s just been really nasty and made you cry for not a good enough reason.