Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

You already have a giant self-centred baby in your life, so I wonder how he’ll react when you get a real one and the mini breaks dry up.
Or is he the sort who will continue his passion for travel solo?

I don't know enough about your whole background, life together, what works for you as a couple and all that, so I'm not in a position to have a firm opinion (yet), but I will say from my own experience that there is no pleasing a partner who is determined not to be pleased.

I'm going to go against the grain here and give him the benefit of the doubt if he's otherwise a good husband- he could be feeling really upset like you don't know him at all to have got it so wrong (not saying that's the truth as its a lovely thoughtful present, just maybe his perception). Similar a pp, I also have issues with sleep and a sleeper car would be an absolute disaster for me. You said you already knew he'd had a bad experience on a sleeper car before. And it sounds like travel is a huge thing for him and major part of his identity so it may feel like a big misattunement on your part. His words have been very rude and hurtful but not unforgivableably rude (doesn't sound like he's name called or anything) so I would give him one more chance if he agrees to apologise and make the best of things now

My children have known since they were about 4 that even if you're not keen on the present, you smile and say thank you and appreciate the effort of the gift giver, you definitely don't say that you don't like it!

What a rude man baby, it's a lovely thought OP, I'd be delighted at a little adventure!

He’s acting like a duck about it, but I’m guessing it’s not actually one night - it was down last night and back tomorrow?

And you know he had a bad experience on sleeper trains last time, and doesn’t think he likes them. Was it a bit of a last minute booking, if other travel options/hotels were all full?

I’m a believer in being honest about gifts where you can so you don’t end up having sixty themed cow gifts because you were being polite the first time, but there’s ways and means of doing that which aren’t rude and impolite, or sulking for hours.

I wouldn’t be TTC. You’ve created a strange way of travelling that seems to suck all the fun out, he seems quite particular and he takes it out on you when he’s miserable. None of those are good things for your relationship or a child.

This.
He is exceptionally rude. And petty. Even posters above saying they don’t like sleepers. This is irrelevant. It’s a gift, one says something with grace, not make your wife cry.
I'd not be having children with this man. In fact I’d be tempted to leave him there and go home.

Wow, imagine how much fun he'd be with a child. Is he going to have a tantrum when it needs a nappy change and you're out and about so he has to make do wherever he can? Will he storm off it it cries? This is not a man who's ready to have a baby. He could politely let you know it isn't his thing and just enjoy the rest of the break, that's what adults do.

Don't have a baby with this man.

I think you need to get angry rather than upset. He's being a twat. Don't sit there crying, if he carries on being an arsehole then tell him straight he's being an ungrateful prick and do your own thing. Don't trail after him being tearful and apologetic.

I booked trips before which he liked in general. He did throw a strop about Scarborough cos the hotel room had 'a mouldy smell' but he did lighten up once they switched us and he did love the place and the hotel in general which was listed and also had a pool..it was one of those grand victorian hotels. I think he liked stratford upon Avon but that was cos it was a repeat and a safe bet.

I didn't cry then though cos that problem was easily rectified..

He sounds really annoying - I do however have a shred of sympathy as I have a stressful job and the thought of starting my weekend away (relaxation time) with a 5 hour overnight journey on a train fills me with dread. It’s not enough time to get a decent amount of sleep even if you do sleep - and I get stressed about not getting enough sleep as it can make it very hard for me to have a good day afterwards.

The UK is not really big enough to properly do sleeper trains - I’ve done the Caledonia sleeper a couple of times and again, you can’t really get a decent sleep as there’s not enough travel time between stations.

However - he is being ott and quite cruel by the sounds of it. I hope your weekend picks up.

He sounds self-absorbed, ungrateful and a pain. You put a lot of thought into the gift, clearly. Even if he doesn’t love the idea of the sleeper train, it’s just a means to get there, and it’s not a donkey, ffs.

OP, will you never have a week long holiday because of a bad experience he had once? Is it not better to get cancellation insurance than to forever limit yourself to weekend breaks only? Sounds very weird.

fwiw, I’d not be ttc with someone this selfish, inflexible and who made you cry over a gift he did not like.

If he strops and moans about not getting a shower exactly when he wants I am not sure kids are his thing.

If he's a light sleeper and doesn't like not getting his 8 hours beauty sleep I am not sure kids are his thing.

If he has one bad experience that means you don't book long holidays I am not sure kids are his thing

If he is at peace with complaining and not being in the tiny bit grateful that yes perhaps you booked a train he didn't like but hey to make you cry and not be gracious in the slightest I am not sure kids are his thing.

Kids do not go in boxes, they are the opposite of hygienic, they thrive when a mum and dad love and appreciate each other even if they fuck up, they destroy routines and you will need longer holidays to really enjoy them and you holidays will be all about them not him.

If he can't get over this he really does have the shock of his life with a baby.

I would spend the weekend pointing all this, and a lot more, out to him. He's going to be pissed off anyway might as well not hold back.

It sounds like your whole lives skin around his preferences is there any balance?

My H hated soft play but went and got on with it, he would sleep on a mattress on our floor when both kids were little because they came up to us when they woke and we ran out of space, he would put his needs last every single time, we went on some trying holidays but the kids loved it discos, arcades, go karts, fairground, because it wasn't about us, intellectual conversation having dinner in a nice place with a nice view or whatever is out of the question.

What I am trying to say is you need to be able to adapt with kids, with grace, love and kindness. Could he really do this? I would ask him, because he can't even adapt to a sleeper train with grace, what a fucking hero.

He sounds like a knob, a knob I wouldn't want as the father figure for my children.

Are you only 'MiserableinPenzance'? If I had to spend more than half an hour with your colossally surly, sulky, ungrateful whingey whiny partner I would be miserable most of my life.

Please do not add another baby to your manbaby mix. Try to find someone far nicer. Perhaps in Cornwall, or on the train home? I wouldn't get off at the next stop. I would suggest that he does...

But yes. This weird thing about only booking weekends away - just in case work has to start unexpectedly? Wtf is all that about?

No it's just one sleeper train. We are taking the regular 5 hour train ride back.

Honestly I thought his gripe with sleeper train at that time was also he slept on the top bunk and its shorter. We both have single lower berths this time (connecting door) so thought it would be better.

Yes it was a bit last minute as one of my past presents was a day trip which I thought he liked and you don't need to book that really far in advance. They have gone up massively though so I thought weekend away might be nice.. and I thought Cornwall was one of those that made sense cos its a long ride going there anyway. Sleeper train just stretches it out..

It sounds like he likes foreign trips to cheap sunny places (Ryanair) and not U.K. trips to mouldy hotel rooms in Scarborough or dusty sleeper trains

fair enough but there is no need for him to be such a dick about it!

He does not sound very nice and as a young couple before even having kids you should be able to have fun together whatever the circumstances, by stropping and making you cry he shows he is no prize

having children with a man like this would be grim as children bring lots of inconveniences and need of adjustment

he sounds selfish, unkind, immature and humourless…. desperately unsexy!

Tbh we both do like the weekend breaks. We mainly go to cities anyway and we like having something to look forward to regularly rather than one big trip. Can also see more places. Just explaining how it started and we somehow got addicted!

The weekend break isn't the issue.

@Miserableinpenzance

We never go to sunny places. He likes the Nordics.

We go to Luxembourg, Dublin, Stockholm Copenhagen, Bergen, Oslo, Madrid (in winter), Iceland, Bristol, Bath, Salzburg etc

And what about what you like?

Well he sounds childish and annoying but you do say that he hadn't previously enjoyed using a sleeper train so it was foolish of you to assume this time it would be fine. Why bother with the surprise bookings though? You can still take turns to plan trips AND share opinions on the arrangements before firming them up. That way this won't happen again.

I'd love that as a present as it's not something I'd buy for myself ( haven't been on a sleeper since I was a teen when it was much more basic).

I don't sleep well either but it would be worth it as a way of getting to somewhere I've not been before.

Your DH is an ingrate not least for the temper tantrum aka strop.

You seem to spend an awful lot of time doing what he wants to do / doesn't want to do. What about what you want?

He sounds quite petulant and unable to cope if anything is not quite to his high standards or utmost comfort....he will struggle with a baby and children because their needs often come first. Think carefully about having kids with this man.

Meanwhile are you about to arrive in Penzance? Try and have a lovely day. St Michael's Mount is a nice visit or you could get the bus over to St Ives which is beautiful too! Are you just there for the day?

But would you ruin it for the gifter?