Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

He sounds like a spoilt, ungrateful bastard to me.

I write this as a man.
About twelve years ago, when we did not have much money (wife was unemployed) I got a Groupon voucher for a massage. It was cheap, which was lovely as it was only me working and I was tense and overworked.
I remember it as a truely great gift to this day.
The way your husband reacted is utterly warped and not normal.

Ungrateful baby! Not an attractive quality is it? You don’t deserve that.

Not really since almost all the elements- train, visiting lovely part of UK, mini-break were things he enjoyed specifically. It sounds like she went to a lot of effort to get stuff he would like and he focused on the bits he didn't. Its more like a woman who DOES want lingerie for her birthday and really likes red lacy lingerie best but her husband buys a red lacy balconette bra and she hates balconettes because they don't suit her and he should have known that. Admittedly fine to nicely say she would prefer X type in future, completely unreasonable to throw a tantrum. If a woman did post on here saying they were furious with their husband for buying the wrong type of bra when he had clearly gone to an effort to get what he knew she'd like she would have her arse handed to her.

You have steadfastly avoided every question you have been asked about his attitude, whether he's apologised to you, why you bend over backwards for him and whether you get to do what you want to do (without him sulking)

Why?

Tell him to grow the fuck up. He could have a shower just before you left to get on the train, he could have another when you arrived at your hotel, and he could have a strip wash on the train. He's not going to die for lack of washing.

How does he imagine that people without access to running water cope, or people in places like Ukraine and Gaza? Does he imagine they're all in a state of permanent strop because they can't shower every day?

If you get the chance, take the train from St Erth to St Ives. The scenery is absolutely stunningly beautiful.

Not just "older posters". I'm in my early 30s and I think living your life around the potential need to move jobs is crazy. And i'm also half of a career driven couple. You don't need to live like this.

Also, like other pp, I've noticed that every post is about him and "it's ok now because he's happy". Are you sure you want to live like this?

I do like them tbh. We are going on a longer break in July. We went on a few breaks frl. 2016 to 2019 but didn't travel extensively until 2022 cos we were saving for our flat then covid happened. So basically only started travelling extensively in 2022 which was when the job switches really happened anyway. We didn't switch jobs during covid and for the year before covid either so spent a lot of time in the same job. I have been in my role for 1.5 years, dh was in the same company for 4 years during pandemic and before.

We are early 3os.

No it's actually more like once every 2 years. But we only really started travelling intensively from 2022 because we were saving up to buy before and also the pandemic. The job switches really only happened after the pandemic and we were in our previous roles for quite long.

so the changing jobs / cancelling holiday once is really just an excuse ?

Not not really cos when we started booking them, at least one of us was planning to switch jobs in the near future and also dealing with potential probation periods so it made sense to book everything on weekends so we could always go.

Wasn't always like that but post covid it has been but pre pandemic we hardly went on leisure holidays cos we were saving to buy which took 3 years (went on holiday a year plus to visit my family/attend weddings and plane tickets back to visit my family cost in excess of 1k).

We were always aiming to save 70k to buy our flat and so holidays took a back-burner at that time, plus with weddings there wasnt really much left for leisure at that time.

Tbh it's not just my family , all his siblings and many of his family members live abroad and we do take leave to go and visit them as well as attend their weddings. That takes up the big money and leave.

Did you stay in the grand hotel in Scarborough?

Honestly, reading just your comments op..its all about what he likes doing, where he likes going etc. And the fact he sulks like a child!? You should re read your comments back to back. It sounds like he’s conditioned you into only doing what he wants. You're ok to not like something, but if that happens repeatedly its a big fat red flag

That's what I'm like. And I'm one of those people who would rather sleep than eat.

In this case though, I'd bring a sleeping mask and earplugs and try to make the best of it. Like to think I wouldn't accuse the gifter of only doing it for their own benefit.

I haven't been on birth control for 9 years and never had a baby. We have fertility difficulties from that perspective (have ttc for 10 months and nothing, this is another reason why we have weekend breaks so it's not much of a wrench to cancel if I did get pregnant).

In a sense ttc is out of my hands. When I say we didn't use birth control we used rhythm or withdraw

It's not out of your hands at all.
If you're not happy in this relationship, you should take control and not be trying to introduce a child into a dysfunctional marriage.

I really suggest you start using reliable contraception.
This isn't the right time to have a child, based on what you have said.

For what it's worth travelling on a sleeper train is one thing I've never done and have always really wanted to do.

Me too! My late DP and I planned to go to Vienna via Eurostar and the Nightjet train for his 60th, but Covid happened and put the kibosh on that.

I

He is clearly five.
You should not be giving him coffee at that age.

There already is a child in the marriage.
Grown men do not expect birthday presents.

Aww man I love a sleeper train. On Mr Monkey and my first holiday abroad we got the sleeper train from Paris to Madrid. It was great!

What is this nonsense tantrum about it not showering? You just shower when you check in to your hotel. Has the man never been on an over night flight? They don't have showers on planes either! What a baby.

As a light sleeper myself, my heart would sink if DH gifted me that. There is no way I would get any sleep on it and I'd have to spend the weekend mega tired and on coffee and wouldn't enjoy it that much. Hopefuly he knows me well enough to never do that to me. HOWEVER I would never, ever react that way. The tantrum, the blaming etc is completely not on. Borderline emotionally abusive. And the stuff about the shower and the towel is completely out of order. You don't deserve that at all.

Sadly I was in Lanzarote in mid May and the weather was beastly. 😔

What were you hoping to get from this thread? You were obviously upset this morning, then tried to turn it into Cornish travelogue and have since tried to convince yourself that you enjoy living with a sulker because you have enough cash to live on. The whole changing jobs frequently thing makes no sense whatsoever, as most employers would honour pre-cooked holidays.