Handhold because DH hates my birthday present (trip to cornwall)

[Miserableinpenzance]

Dh is a difficult person to buy presents for which is why I am currently sitting in a sleeper train to penzance in tears. He said its the worst present ever for a light sleeper like him and he also threw a massive strope last night cos he said the concept of sleeper train was filthy cos he couldn't shower in the train (first class lounge paddington had showers which he did eventually use)

It was his birthday present as he loves travel so i thought would be a good present (He books us holidays on a monthly basis). It turns out he hates sleeper trains (he had only been once before but that was during covid and on the Caledonian which was being quite badly run at the time so I thought it was a one off that he didn't like it). We live in London and Cornwall takes many hours (and we usually don't take leave for our holidays which are usually weekend breaks where we leave on friday and come back on sunday) plus the Premier inn next to penzance Station was totally booked out so sleeper train made sense.

We always had many weekend breaks (once a month) rather than big holidays (with the exception of visiting family)because there was once a bad experience where dh was switching job and we had to cancel flights and hotels (no refund on the flights) because they wanted him to start early. So if either of us anticipates leaving a job then we book weekend breaks that don't need any leave.

I feel really underappreciated cos he made out like this whole holiday is for my benefit rather than his. I don't think that is true at all, the sleeper train was the way of getting there that seemed to make time and money sense at that time (and I wanted to keep costs low as we are going away quite a bit and i thought he would appreciate the prudence) and also it was quite logistically hard to book due to the nightmare gwr website. I wanted to book something he usually wouldn't book so he could see something he wouldn't actually see.

We were actually ttc but honestly he has made me cry so much in the last 24 hours over his 'gift' that I am not sure I want it

Thank god you said ‘ex’.

We love emmets like him too 😐

Let's see how you react when you don't get what you want for your birthday.

Tbh it may seem strange to a lot of older posters but us switching jobs (and having the flexibility to do so) is what allows us to comfortably absorb all the COL increases and our mortgage plus our holidays plus overpay mortgage.

We were very poor when we married young and always had the feeling that unless we kept striving constantly for higher pay, we would eventually be one of the cases in guardian articles where they can't afford their mortgage cos it went up £200 . It happens to a lot of middle income people now and we are quite middle income in London on £121k combined

He sounds precious and highly strung, almost hysterical about the showers and hygiene element. I wouldn't have kids with this man in a month of Sundays. How is he ever going to cope with a filthy nappy or an infant vomiting over his shoulder? No. I think if you can, I would strongly suggest getting out of this relationship before that happens. Good luck.

Miserable sod. I know those sleeper trains are expensive. Sounds like a great adventure to me. A box I'd like to tick off.

You said he books lots of holidays. Sadly sounds like the frequency of them, has made them too mundane.

For me a night away is still a treat.

Have you said wow that was an unbelievable tantrum, I just need to decide whether I cancel or take a friend instead? Because hell would freeze over before my Dh came on that holiday without having given me an apology.

' us switching jobs (and having the flexibility to do so '

you make it sound as if you are both leaving jobs on almost a monthly basis !

or are you justifying his behaviour to us / yourself

That's interesting.

There are two sides to moving from job to job often.

What do you call 'often'?
If you're staying with a company for less than a year it's not going to do you any favours.

Sometimes it shows a lack of commitment, or a 'bad work record' and can be a negative on a CV. Many employers find it off putting as they invest in the recruitment process and maybe training only to have the person leave very quickly.

Are you both in careers where moving around very quickly is acceptable?
Is it contracting work maybe?

I still wonder about the quality of your relationship. And if his behaviour here is just the tip of the iceberg.

You've been together a long time, you seem to want a baby, yet after 9 years it's not happened.

Are you and your H not seeking medical advice - or is it only you who wants a baby?

121k combined? Ok

Yes, this makes no sense!

Ok what?

Meaning it's great or not?

and stop using the word ' holidays ' for weekends away / city breaks

what holidays do you have during all the weeks of annual leave you both get - what 5 / 6 weeks ?

you make reference to one holiday which you had to cancel

what about all the years of annual leave that you have both had ?

Blimey, you married Sheldon Cooper? What a fuss pot.

I really think that you both should stop surprising each other with gifts.

Something like this needs to be discussed before you book it.

I hate surprise presents like this.

I could be on the wrong track completely, but was this by any chance an arranged marriage? I guess you're not from the UK originally and some things you've written point to a different culture.

For a couple who've been married a long time, you seem like strangers.

You book holidays he doesn't always like. How can you not know after so long? Why don't you communicate with him?
Why are you so desperate to please him?

You're not using birth control - you think you're TTC- he thinks he's 'withdrawing'. Whoops- something's odd there.

I'm sorry but this isn't a good relationship from what you've said.

Not quite my idea of fun. But I do like Cornwall so I'd be focusing on that. My DH has got me a few right stupid presents, I think because he's left it late to do something nice. But I take them with a smile because he loves me even if he messes it up occasionally.

I am still stuck on not going on proper holidays when you can afford to. Why are you only doing these weekend trips (which are not holidays and TBH sound very stressful)? Why are you moving jobs so much? The moves can’t be very strategic if you are at £121k combined with all those moves (and guessing you are in your 30s?). This sounds very strange.

I have overseas family, I see them twice a year but I use the time strategically. So spend a week in India to see them (and work in a short trip there as well to somewhere nice), and then a week perhaps in Southeast Asia. Or just a week long trip to home country, I even go just for a long weekend, it doesn’t need to be 3 or 4 weeks and using up all your annual leave (although I guess your family is not as close as India since you said 14 hour flight).

OP
I'm not going to add to your DH's reaction to your thoughtfully planned birthday present but...
Do you realise every one of your posts mentions his wants and pleasures?
You say you're easily pleased but his needs should not usurp yours
You are at risk of losing your sense of self
I never say this but I think you need to have a joint discussion with a counsellor certainly before you become pregnant

I don't think any present in and of itself can be good or bad. He didn't like it and I don't think that in itself is unreasonable, but going anyway and complaining and struggling is mean. I think he should have just not gone. I think this is hard to do without looking bad, and this may be a part of the diffiuclty. I wouldn't be able to sleep on a train, did one once in Russia - it was an interesting experience and I'm glad to have done it but I wouldn't do it again.

What a fantastic present! And no, Caledonian sleeper with a bed booked is a fantastic option, I doubt people who call it 'filthy' have the same starched and ironed linen at home, sorry, but could not resist this dig at your husband (not you).

What a nice present. I would love that.
But even if your husband didn't like it a lot of thought has obviously gone into it. He sounds horrible and ungrateful.

OP, is this the pattern of behaviour you've adopted to make this relationship work? Sublimated your own needs and desires and dedicating yourself to pleasing him?

With luck you'll have at least another 50 years on this planet. Do you really want to spend it with someone inflexible who throws a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants? Whose needs come before yours all the time?

If you have a child with this my-way-or-else man you'll be stuck with him for ever. Even if you divorce, your life will be linked to him by your child — and I think we can guess what kind of ex he'll be, trying to control you through your offspring. You deserve someone more flexible and more interested in pleasing you.

He sounds like an insufferable prick.

@Miserableinpenzance
YABU and should be ashamed of yourself.
It is illegal and wrong to marry a five year old. He was not old enough to give informed consent.
I am a grown up. I have often had presents for my birthday from partners, but not everywhere and when I have it has included underwear for them.
This boy is not a grown up. Either he is simple or a child.