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Original poster

Was my online date probably going to murder me?

245 replies

Thefirstone · 31/05/2024 05:19

I haven’t slept tonight.
In early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online (I don’t remember which one). I am early 20’s and he is late 30’s so a lot older than me. we spoke for a few weeks at most but we clicked on a personal level and it was intense. I lived closer to him at the time (I now don’t). It became clear we had bonded. He spoke a lot about the issues he has with his family and I shared a bit about mine. He made himself out to be a really safe and trustworthy person that cared about me and I believe I massively over shared about my personal life, not knowing my family (I was brought up by my mother and she changed her name and her second name which I also took so I have no idea who my family are and she won’t talk about it), and having very minimal contact with my mother because she is bipolar and can turn on and off, she isn’t completely bad but has an abusive side to her and it isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t have many friends. We exchanged numbers. We didn’t meet in person but we were going to. He had good reviews. One day he just stopped replying a few days before we were going to meet up and after a bit I assumed he had lost interest and I deleted his number. I was a bit disappointed but I just forgot about him soon enough. I ended up moving a few hours away.
a few weeks ago I got a call and I didn’t know who it was at first but he was speaking to me in a friendly manner, asking me how I was etc. He explained who he was and that he lost contact because he ended up in hospital and then started dealing with personal family issues and self harm, and nevertheless I still don’t understand why he reached out to me but didn’t know how to question it further. He wanted to meet up like we were going to the first time bear in mind it had been more than a year since he just disappeared so I was reluctant despite how well we got on the first time.
I explained to him that I wanted to get to know him first and explained that he would have to stay in a hotel as I’m not completely comfortable. at first he seemed understanding and spoke about how he is respectful of the way that I feel but later on he got very offended and said that I must not like him if I am going to make him stay in a hotel even though it is the first time meeting him.
I have found his Facebook page it is from 2014 and he has no other social media besides linked in.
I suppose it is hard to work out with limited information but I have been speaking to a friend online who has said that he sounds manipulative and like he knows that I am isolated and cut off from a support network, knows I have issues and would be the perfect target if he is a murderer.
we were meant to meet up this Friday evening ever since the date was planned I have been having recurring vivid nightmares about being murdered in my bed by him and dragged off into the wooded area by my house. Tonight I haven’t slept at all as it’s Friday.
he doesn’t know my exact address but we were due to meet literally in a public space over the street from my house so that I can verify he was who he said he was before bringing him back to my house
but now I’m 99% sure I don’t want to at all.
I obviously have no evidence and it’s probably more likely that he wanted a shag but does it sound like he wanted to murder me and are there any other signs that I should look for that would tell me which it is? Do I explain anything to him or just block? I am extremely uncomfortable that he even has a rough idea of where I am and knows my name and number etc
if you got this far thanks for reading

OP posts:
SadMama87 · 31/05/2024 05:26

Please trust your instincts. He isn’t respectful of your boundaries, and that’s not someone who needs access to you. If you told him where to meet you already, he will know the area you’re in, so please be careful coming and going from your home. Take different ways if you can, and always carry protection. I am saying a prayer for you.

TimoteiChaletpants · 31/05/2024 05:27

It sounds all a bit complicated and serious for a first date which should be fun. Way too intense, and it’s strange that he thinks it’s appropriate to contact you after this long a time. I would not pursue this.

Blueberry40 · 31/05/2024 05:28

I strongly believe your instincts are there for a reason. Listen to them. Block him and move on- you owe him nothing, he doesn’t know you. Stay safe and stay away from him.

LiterallyOnFire · 31/05/2024 05:28

Or rapist. Or just an inconsiderate arsehole. Who knows?

You've dodged a bullet. It's really better not to share your vulnerabilities with people you don't know well.

BTW, what is a "cuddle website"?

RainbowZebraWarrior · 31/05/2024 05:30

No idea what a cuddle website is, but guessing it potentially attracts oddballs.

Block him and move on. Be safe.

coffeewithmilk · 31/05/2024 05:31

Honestly it doesn't sound good
First dates are meant to be for fun and getting to know the person on a sociable level.. this sounds far more intense than that

If you are still planning on meeting him, please don't bring him back to your house as he will know where you live. Meet in a public place and let someone close to you know where you are meeting and who with

LiterallyOnFire · 31/05/2024 05:33

Do you have much of a RL life OP? It's safer if you have a RL network, can suss people out etc.

Original poster
Thefirstone · 31/05/2024 05:41

I don’t want to meet him he found and contacted me on the website I feel that when we first spoke he was encouraging me to tell him about my problems and it was nice to kind of offload and speak to someone about them but I am very uncomfortable that he could have potentially been trying to work out wether or not I could be his victim? I could just be catastrophising though.
a cuddle website is basically meeting up for cuddles with strangers but some kind of relationship with him was formed across the few weeks.
I didn’t want for it to be this intense after he reached out he is acting as though we know each other he knows bits about my past and upbringing etc but still we are basically strangers to one another you’re right that is what made me uncomfortable due to the nature of the relationship the first time around, meeting up with him this Friday was going to be a cosy evening in on the couch maybe having a movie night and playing a board game or something like that because I really don’t like going out to places where other people are and then he was meant to go to the hotel out of respect for it not being too much but I’ve already spoken about his reactions to that.
I am worried about where to go from here because he hasn’t actually done anything out right that I could report him to the police or anything for but obviously if he is a murderer or something like that he might get agitated if I block him and come and try to find me? I don’t know. I am very anxious about it all and it doesn’t help that l literally haven’t slept at all but I want to get at least a couple of hours sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefirstone · 31/05/2024 05:43

LiterallyOnFire · 31/05/2024 05:33

Do you have much of a RL life OP? It's safer if you have a RL network, can suss people out etc.

I really dont I am friendly with a few of the neighbours and have a few friends but that is it

OP posts:
Savemydrink · 31/05/2024 05:43

Tell him you are sorry but you can’t meet as planned. A job came up at short notice and you will be working away for a while. No point in him coming as you won’t be here.

Then block him

Savemydrink · 31/05/2024 05:47

Also, take yourself off that cuddle site. It sounds like a ripe breeding ground for weirdo’s

Original poster
Thefirstone · 31/05/2024 05:47

Savemydrink · 31/05/2024 05:47

Also, take yourself off that cuddle site. It sounds like a ripe breeding ground for weirdo’s

I should’ve said but I haven’t been on it in ages after I met him I just didn’t use it anymore

OP posts:
evrey · 31/05/2024 05:54

your gut instinct is telling you to stay away from this man . Listen to it and stay away.
Block and delete him on every level after a brief message telling him that you need to cancel as your best friend/brother/colleague whatever has turned up and will be staying the night. (this will discourage him from looking for you)

I think your instincts are right that he is wrong for you, but thinking you are going to be murdered is probably a little extreme.
Maybe because you have overshared with him and he has pushed your boundaries you are left feeling very vulnerable.

TheSignsAllPointToGuiltyAsF · 31/05/2024 05:54

Block him, tell your friend about the proposed meet up time & place (for safety to have another person aware)

DO NOT GO

Your instincts have kicked in and you can make them even quicker & stronger with some therapy, freedom prog or self-protection classes.

Do that, and really consider the qualities you would value in a friend/partner, before resuming meeting people

For now avoid the area today, be watchful over next while and give yourself a pat on the back for recognising the risk° in time

°not necessarily serial killer risk, but risk nonetheless

Overthebow · 31/05/2024 05:55

It doesn’t sound good op, please don’t meet him. How close to your house were you going to meet? Does he know you live close by?

Original poster
Thefirstone · 31/05/2024 06:02

I wasn’t even considering going to meet him it isn’t any distance away just across the road and on the opposite street in a public place in view of houses and cars I wanted to check he was who he said he was first the “date” was never going to be anywhere else other than my house because I genuinely don’t like going out to places and just wanted a comfy evening in. I just want to get out of this situation I am overwhelmed by it and imagining all the possibilities and what I should do but I am just too tired for this after no sleep maybe I can think more clearly after I have slept. I can’t believe it’s 6am and I haven’t slept at all.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 31/05/2024 06:04

Is the date supposed to be today? You need to tell him no and an excuse that means he doesn’t come. Could you stay with a friend or relative tonight just in case he does end up coming?

PBandJ111 · 31/05/2024 06:08

You need to rethink bringing unknown men back you your place on day 1.

Doingmybest12 · 31/05/2024 06:13

You don't need to kind of person who goes off the radar and then contacts you out of the blue expecting to stay at your home when you haven't even met. Gets annoyed with you about your perfectly normal boundaries and has a lot of issues from his past which he uses to create a false sense of intimacy. I'm not sure he's a murderer but he is someone to avoid. Please do not meet him.

user1492757084 · 31/05/2024 06:14

It is always very dangerous to bring strangers to your home.

Always meet someone new in a public place and take a friend.
Only after getting to know a person should you tell them where you live, go to their place or give them your number.

Even when you know a date quiet well you should often bring a friend along and always let someone know where, when and with whom you are going out.
You have a gut instinct to protect yourself.
You can't be too careful.

Do not meet this fellow

Original poster
Thefirstone · 31/05/2024 06:17

I don’t know why I keep getting told not to meet him I’m glad you all agree that I shouldn’t but I will say again that I don’t want to meet him so you don’t need to convince me when I already don’t want to and yes the “date” was supposed to be today I will have to think of some kind of excuse and then maybe just stop talking to him or something

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 31/05/2024 06:17

It’s never a good idea to be alone with a stranger on a first meeting.

Additionally, if your instincts are telling you something is off about this man, you should trust them.

HamBagelNoCheese · 31/05/2024 06:17

With kindness, you really need to do some work on your personal boundaries, confidence etc. to be able to say a solid no. Just because you've arranged this, it doesn't mean you can't cancel. You have 101 alarm bells going off in your head (rightly so, he sounds like a weirdo) but even in the beginning, being willing to meet someone and bring them to your house for the first time is a big concern.

You do not have to go through with this. You can say no. You can change your mind. Please don't put yourself in unsafe situations with strange men!

Teenson · 31/05/2024 06:20

Gosh, I’d never invite a strange man in to my home, on my own, to stay the night after I’d asked him not to.

I wouldn’t be comfortable AT a ALL. He might snoop about, nick something, tell burglar friends to come back later. He might pressure me into sex. He might slip me some rohypnol. And before anyone thinks this I is mad, Soemone bought me a coffee and I woke up hours later in a strange room with him having done god knows what.

DO NOT meet this man. Tell him you haven’t slept, you are coming down with something and cancel. He vanished for a while, was he in prison? You don’t know.
kudos to your friend for pointing out the danger.