Was my online date probably going to murder me?

[Thefirstone]

I haven’t slept tonight.
In early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online (I don’t remember which one). I am early 20’s and he is late 30’s so a lot older than me. we spoke for a few weeks at most but we clicked on a personal level and it was intense. I lived closer to him at the time (I now don’t). It became clear we had bonded. He spoke a lot about the issues he has with his family and I shared a bit about mine. He made himself out to be a really safe and trustworthy person that cared about me and I believe I massively over shared about my personal life, not knowing my family (I was brought up by my mother and she changed her name and her second name which I also took so I have no idea who my family are and she won’t talk about it), and having very minimal contact with my mother because she is bipolar and can turn on and off, she isn’t completely bad but has an abusive side to her and it isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t have many friends. We exchanged numbers. We didn’t meet in person but we were going to. He had good reviews. One day he just stopped replying a few days before we were going to meet up and after a bit I assumed he had lost interest and I deleted his number. I was a bit disappointed but I just forgot about him soon enough. I ended up moving a few hours away.
a few weeks ago I got a call and I didn’t know who it was at first but he was speaking to me in a friendly manner, asking me how I was etc. He explained who he was and that he lost contact because he ended up in hospital and then started dealing with personal family issues and self harm, and nevertheless I still don’t understand why he reached out to me but didn’t know how to question it further. He wanted to meet up like we were going to the first time bear in mind it had been more than a year since he just disappeared so I was reluctant despite how well we got on the first time.
I explained to him that I wanted to get to know him first and explained that he would have to stay in a hotel as I’m not completely comfortable. at first he seemed understanding and spoke about how he is respectful of the way that I feel but later on he got very offended and said that I must not like him if I am going to make him stay in a hotel even though it is the first time meeting him.
I have found his Facebook page it is from 2014 and he has no other social media besides linked in.
I suppose it is hard to work out with limited information but I have been speaking to a friend online who has said that he sounds manipulative and like he knows that I am isolated and cut off from a support network, knows I have issues and would be the perfect target if he is a murderer.
we were meant to meet up this Friday evening ever since the date was planned I have been having recurring vivid nightmares about being murdered in my bed by him and dragged off into the wooded area by my house. Tonight I haven’t slept at all as it’s Friday.
he doesn’t know my exact address but we were due to meet literally in a public space over the street from my house so that I can verify he was who he said he was before bringing him back to my house
but now I’m 99% sure I don’t want to at all.
I obviously have no evidence and it’s probably more likely that he wanted a shag but does it sound like he wanted to murder me and are there any other signs that I should look for that would tell me which it is? Do I explain anything to him or just block? I am extremely uncomfortable that he even has a rough idea of where I am and knows my name and number etc
if you got this far thanks for reading

Omg Op sorry I have read this upon waking up, so it's shocked me 🤦‍♀️
Ok firstly yes things happen in our lives, we know this. But me and a friend always say can you imagine a woman ringing a guy up after so long, and getting a good response lol no chance.
And a year later it's as though he's just expected you to jump up, and you have and immediately open to meet him.
I wouldn't have done right near where i live. And you do not take someone that you do not know back to your house especially on the first meet!
And he has already pushed those boundaries and has pushed you down so you have opted out of him staying in a hotel instead.

You could now change the location if there is time.
Or if you do decide to meet him today, you then take him away from the area.

If you've already agreed he would stay in your home?! You need to tell him that he will need to stay in a hotel assuming that he can't travel back home afterwards.

Please listen to your gut instincts. I’m not saying he would be wanting to murder or harm you, but your body knows he is bad need and may end up harming you physically or emotionally. Don’t meet him, block him and move on.

Send him a message cancelling the arrangements. You've changed your mind and don't want to meet. Then block him. Please don't consider bringing people you don't know back to your home in future. Then get some sleep.

You sound vulnerable - in your situation, where you don't have a strong family or friends network, I wouldn't use online as a way of connecting with random blokes. Don't open yourself up to danger, it really isn't worth the risk.

Hope you're ok, OP.

Glad to read you aren't going to meet him but I either recommend cancelling asap as you don't want him turning up so near to your home.

There is good advice on here for the future, look after yourself

My first thought was to wonder if he’s been in jail for the last few months? That would explain the complete silence.

I completely understand why you’d rather stay home, than go out. You’re not alone in that preference, but initially, many of us date publically for safety. And then retreat back to the comfort of our living rooms with gratitude when we find a good connection.

I think your instincts are pinging here because it is an unsafe situation,and there are several red flags with this guy.

I think you should give this a miss. And tighten up on your safety in future - don’t reveal much about yourself until you’ve met a few times. Try and find a place to meet that is tolerable to your sensory needs but also public and safe.

The reason you keep getting told not to meet him, is because you sound very unsure about how you are going to handle this potentially dangerous situation. You weren’t aware of the risks you have brought onto yourself by wanting this unreliable stranger in your home for a cosy evening on the sofa watching a film and playing a board game.

OP he isn’t coming to your house to watch a film and play a board game.
Nobody knows his motive.

You sound very easily persuaded and very vulnerable so people on here are quite rightly worried for you.

You may be afraid of going to places where there are other people, but that is exactly the safest sort of place for a young woman to meet any man, especially a much older man, for the first time. Your need to avoid places with a lot of people is no excuse at all for inviting him into your home for an evening on the sofa. It is asking for trouble. Never ever do that again.

So now that you have become aware of the very high risks, it is good that you have changed your mind about wanting to meet him.
You must text him immediately to tell him you are unable to meet him or host him.
Make a plausible excuse that he will believe: sickness or a new boyfriend or a family crisis. It’s hard for anybody here to tell you what excuse to use as we don’t know how much of yourself you have already revealed to him.
He is very likely to try to persuade you to keep the date. He could love bomb you or become very angry again like before. Do not let him persuade you to meet him. You can not trust anything he says.
It’s perfectly OK that you suddenly can’t meet him. And it’s perfectly ok not to respond to him if and when he argues …..and to remove him altogether from your phone immediately after texting your excuse.

I would tell one of your friends or neighbours what has happened. Maybe ask a friend to stay the night with you for reassurance ……or even just go away for the weekend if you prefer. You need to take all safety precautions now and in the future to protect yourself more and to have better self awareness of risks.

OP, the friend who warned you about this situation is a good friend. Ask her for help if you need it.
Good luck !

And consider reading “The Gift of Fear” - trust your instincts over the fear of being impolite!

Jesus, you can't have 'comfy evenings in' as a first date with strangers - and he absolutely is a stranger. You don't want it, don't do it. Tell him you've changed your mind and then block him for good. Take yourself off 'cuddle' websites whatever the hell they are and if you don't want to go out, don't, but then you can't go on dates. Having anyone in your home for a first date is risky and your boundaries need a lot of work.

Cancel now OP. Get it done so it’s not hanging over you all day.

Say you don’t feel comfortable with the situation and no longer want to meet up or have any further contact.

Don’t grovel or apologise, don’t over-explain, don’t get drawn into a discussion or any kind of back and forth with him. Just be clear and factual then block him everywhere.

I’m not sure murder would be my biggest worry in this situation, but there are many more ways in which we can be manipulated, exploited and hurt (up to and including physical and sexual assault), and our instincts are there to protect us from danger. Yours are on high alert for a reason.

Realistically he’ll likely head home once he realises he doesn’t have any way of contacting you. If he knows where you work, make sure your colleagues know you’re afraid of him so they can take appropriate measures if he turns up.

I know you’ve not been on it for a while, but as lots of people have said, a ‘cuddle site’ has ‘access to vulnerable people HERE’ lit up in flashing neon, and will be a magnet for every stripe of predator and weirdo. Make sure your profile is properly deleted.

Sorry you’re feeling so stressed and anxious, but it’ll be greatly magnified by the lack of sleep. Can you get yourself a few treats and plan a cosy evening and an early night? Could your friend come and keep you company?

Bless you for being so stressed about this. Just for clarity, when you say you weren’t going to meet him and it was just in a different road, did you mean you were going to wait for him and just see if he is who he says, but not meet/speak to him?

Oversharing and mentioning self harm are the obvious signs, but his behaviour has some signs of MH issues and he’s pretty red flaggy. It also sounds like he may have lovebombed you which is manipulative.

I haven’t used a cuddle website that has reviews myself, but please don’t arrange dates at your house OP. Have the first date somewhere else with no mention of your house then suggest it if you feel comfortable with the person. I know you said you don’t like going out but it puts you in a really vulnerable position.

This man doesn’t know where you live and you can block his number so he can’t contact you. Just say “hey, I’m not feeling well today, could we rearrange our date?” and then block him. Then you’ve been polite but he/the situation makes you feel uncomfortable so don’t feel bad about blocking him - remember he ghosted you first!

Also I don’t think there’s any indication that he would’ve murdered or hurt you. He sounds like he has some issues yes, and has behaved a bit weirdly - that’s what’s setting off your gut feeling, not some kind of sign he’s a murderer

I know people on this thread have been harsh but be kind to yourself, you were on the cuddle website because you feel lonely and don’t like going out, and you’ve learnt a valuable lesson with this situation

If you want to meet him that’s fine but definitely do not bring him back to your home!!

You do not know this man and chances are he’s nothing like he pretends to be.

My concern is that you have no boundaries though and if you meet him he is going to easily persuade you to let him go back to yours.

If you want to meet him then tell him you’re meeting a friend at a certain time so you have to leave.

Please keep posting on here so we can help you with what to say.

Do not let this stranger into your home or know where you live.

I doubt he’s a murderer but you’re obviously very vulnerable and he’ll be able to pick up on that.

If you want to talk to someone about things then an anonymous forum like this is a much better idea.

If you want to date then keep your cards close to your chest.

OP I would cancel but not block yet. Then if you get anything more substantial you can log it with police. I think you would be way more stressed cancelling and then blocking becahse you'd be worrying about his reaction.

I've found that dreams are often a warning of something that your subconscious is aware of but you don't want to admit,
iyswim. But that's neither here nor there, you don't want to OP, so that's that. Could you say you've been called away for work, or to help out a friend/family or something?

Why not do normal dating rather than a “cuddle website”? You’re blatantly going to attract total weirdos that way - no normal guy would surely go on there.

You don't need to think of an excuse. Tell him straight that you've changed your mind and don't want to meet. "Hi, I not able to meet tonight. I also think it's for the best that we don't plan to meet in the future. Please don't contact me again as this is not a relatiohsip I want to pursue. Thank you. Thefirstone.

The "maybe just stop talking to him or something" is very telling. It suggests that you're not confident at drawing a line under a situation. You're clearly uncomfortable with him. There's no maybe about it. Stop talking with him.

Send him a similar message to the above and block him. Job done.

Sorry but it’s so bizarre you’d immediately go straight to “is he going to murder me”. He sounds weird and inappropriate but what an odd thing to immediately presume.

Block him, delete him, move on. Work on yourself so you’re more confident meeting people via more normal channels.

I really don't understand your logic here OP it's very careless and silly to be meeting someone for the first time and plan to bring him back to your house. There should be no discussion about houses at this stage at all! You've set the expectation that your up for something more and that's it. Why didn't you simply suggest dinner out somewhere very public? Or a drink somewhere public fir a first date?!
Even somewhere over the road from where u live is totally too much from you!

Could you say you're in the process of moving and it's all happened fast and is very stressful, so on reflection you're not in the right headspace to meet up? Wish him all the best, make clear you have no intention of meeting at all.

No he's not a murderer.

You could shag in a hotel…so why is he so insistent on coming to your house?

Jumping to murder is a bit of stretch, there really isn't that many murderers wandering around.

But trust your instincts, and certainly don't invite any men to your house, likely murderer or not, until you know them extremely well.

I'm not really sure why you think he would murder you, but he does sound like a creep who has no respect for you not wanting him to stay in your house. Like why would you! You've never met him before. He sounds unstable as well with the disappearing.

Your gut has told you not to meet this man, I'd stick with that.

A cuddle website? I think I’m going to puke.