Was my online date probably going to murder me?

[Thefirstone]

I haven’t slept tonight.
In early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online (I don’t remember which one). I am early 20’s and he is late 30’s so a lot older than me. we spoke for a few weeks at most but we clicked on a personal level and it was intense. I lived closer to him at the time (I now don’t). It became clear we had bonded. He spoke a lot about the issues he has with his family and I shared a bit about mine. He made himself out to be a really safe and trustworthy person that cared about me and I believe I massively over shared about my personal life, not knowing my family (I was brought up by my mother and she changed her name and her second name which I also took so I have no idea who my family are and she won’t talk about it), and having very minimal contact with my mother because she is bipolar and can turn on and off, she isn’t completely bad but has an abusive side to her and it isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t have many friends. We exchanged numbers. We didn’t meet in person but we were going to. He had good reviews. One day he just stopped replying a few days before we were going to meet up and after a bit I assumed he had lost interest and I deleted his number. I was a bit disappointed but I just forgot about him soon enough. I ended up moving a few hours away.
a few weeks ago I got a call and I didn’t know who it was at first but he was speaking to me in a friendly manner, asking me how I was etc. He explained who he was and that he lost contact because he ended up in hospital and then started dealing with personal family issues and self harm, and nevertheless I still don’t understand why he reached out to me but didn’t know how to question it further. He wanted to meet up like we were going to the first time bear in mind it had been more than a year since he just disappeared so I was reluctant despite how well we got on the first time.
I explained to him that I wanted to get to know him first and explained that he would have to stay in a hotel as I’m not completely comfortable. at first he seemed understanding and spoke about how he is respectful of the way that I feel but later on he got very offended and said that I must not like him if I am going to make him stay in a hotel even though it is the first time meeting him.
I have found his Facebook page it is from 2014 and he has no other social media besides linked in.
I suppose it is hard to work out with limited information but I have been speaking to a friend online who has said that he sounds manipulative and like he knows that I am isolated and cut off from a support network, knows I have issues and would be the perfect target if he is a murderer.
we were meant to meet up this Friday evening ever since the date was planned I have been having recurring vivid nightmares about being murdered in my bed by him and dragged off into the wooded area by my house. Tonight I haven’t slept at all as it’s Friday.
he doesn’t know my exact address but we were due to meet literally in a public space over the street from my house so that I can verify he was who he said he was before bringing him back to my house
but now I’m 99% sure I don’t want to at all.
I obviously have no evidence and it’s probably more likely that he wanted a shag but does it sound like he wanted to murder me and are there any other signs that I should look for that would tell me which it is? Do I explain anything to him or just block? I am extremely uncomfortable that he even has a rough idea of where I am and knows my name and number etc
if you got this far thanks for reading

A cuddle website would be full of vulnerable people, makes sense predators would hang out there.

No need for an excuse. Just say you've changed your mind and won't be meeting him. Then block on all channels. He didn't do you the courtesy when he ghosted you a year ago, you owe him nothing more than letting him know you won't be there.
For future, it's been said several times above but please never take someone to your home on a first date/meeting. Public place only and I used to pre-empt needing an excuse to leave by arranging afternoon/lunchtime meetings rather than nights so I could say I had something else on later (and also didn't have to leave in the dark etc).

Op you sound incredibly nieve to think any bloke wants to play an innocent board game on a first date.

Wouldn't be surprised if he's thinking strip poker or some sort of Ann Summers game.

Your early 20s he's late 30s (if you believe what he tells you). I'd ccancel.That age gap is never going to really work.

I'd do as other poster suggested invent a man who needs your help. Then block him.

Doesn't it just? It's terrifying.

‘meeting up for cuddles with strangers’

This is not a normal person thing where you will meet people with normal boundaries. This is a predator thing where you will meet predators.

I had to go and look this up. I'm inclined to think this concept attracts no shortage of fruitcakes.

Just cuddling......hmmm.

Just text him and say sorry I need to cancel our date, I don't think it's going to work out, good luck for the future and block him on everything.

Please don't meet him! Please don't meet anyone and bring them back to your home quickly. You are making yourself incredibly vulnerable. I would send him a message saying you've changed your mind and you won't be able to see him now. I would actually keep a note of his number but wouldn't reply to any more messages after that and if he's on WhatsApp I would change my settings so that he couldn't see when I was online. He sounds incredibly manipulative and I think you should be extremely cautious. This doesn't mean you're going to get murdered and your sleep! However if you have photos any Facebook links and phone numbers etc then I would pass them onto a friend just in case.

Cuddle website definitely sounds like somewhere for people who want a cheap shag nothing more nothing less no strings attached.

Telling him he'd be staying in a hotel, probably means he wouldn't turn up anyway.
He's not getting his hole so why would he bother?

I think cancel and block. And please look for better OLD sites. Your far to young to be a cheap shag.
Early 20s you should have various groups that you want to be involved with and build a friendship network. (Sports, drama, dance, craft, adult learning classes) Anything look what's available in your area and join a few groups.

Always trust your instincts.

You owe him nothing.
He didn't think twice about not contacting you.

And stick to men who are closer to your age and not old enough to be your dad.

It’s pretty evident you’re a vulnerable young woman, likely as a result of your experience of your mum being abusive. Because of that you’ve ended up using a website which sounds like it’s designed to play on the vulnerabilities of people who are looking for affection and attention. I think it’s probably likely that the men on this website have some kind of predatory nature, especially when you know how common domestic abuse is. I imagine this older man who sounds like he has his own issues does pose a longer term threat in terms of domestic abuse. I don’t however automatically assume he has an intention to murder you when you meet because stranger murder is much rarer than murder in domestic abuse relationships. That said, whatever his intentions, you should be wary of him and I’d tell him you don’t want to meet him and then block him. I’d then be seeking out therapy because it’s clear you’re vulnerable, struggle with boundaries and have excessive anxiety. I’d also recommend you do the freedom programme online, so you are better equipped for spotting warning signs moving forward.

meeting up with him this Friday was going to be a cosy evening in on the couch maybe having a movie night and playing a board game or something like that because I really don’t like going out to places where other people are and then he was meant to go to the hotel out of respect for it not being too much but I’ve already spoken about his reactions to that.

This isn’t even about gut instinct which isn’t always there for many people so shouldn’t be relied on, but just common sense to he applied in every situation irrespective of what your “gut” is telling you.

You say you’re not going to meet this man ok fine but you shouldn’t be bringing back ANY man you don’t know well to your house. I’m not keen on crowded places so I try to find quiet cafes etc but I don’t have the men in my house. I have did this in the past a couple of times when I was younger and thankfully they didn’t turn out to be killers but I was very fortunate.

This man in particular is very creepy by insisting he sleep at yours. Last time a man did that to me I just told him the meeting was off and cut him off.

Initial thought is he has been in jail. Google his full name if you know it.

Not sure what he’s done to make you think he wants to murder you, but on the basis that that’s how you feel, it’s clear this is not a date you should go on (and why would you!?)

As all the others have said, it's really important to trust your gut. I'm not into 'woo' but I do think sometimes our true feelings/emotions can come out in our dreams. It's unlikely he's looking to actually kill you but something in your gut (and your dreams) is warning you to stay away and it's good that you're listening to that.

Personally I wouldn't make an excuse and do a slow fade - I'd just tell him you've been thinking it through and have decided to not meet him. You don't have to give a reason. You're not in a relationship nor do you owe him anything so just tell him you've changed your mind. Hopefully he doesn't have your actual address?

Make sure that you do block him on all platforms in case he tries to wear you down and erode the boundaries that you have recently built up. He will turn up anyway and try to guilt you into meeting him. Well done for shifting your mindset, though.

There are so many hobby or volunteering groups you could join to boost your social life, give you some purpose and make you feel valued for who you are. You sound so lovely. Stay strong 🌻

You are overthinking what your friend said, there is nothing at all to suggest he has planned to murder you. Please don’t lose anymore sleep over that.

That said, his behaviour is over-familiar, presumptuous and questionable, so I think you have done the right thing in giving him the swerve.

’Cuddle’ websites do not sounds like a good idea at all, please do not agree to meet anyone else through such a site, either.

It's distinctly weird that your mind instantly jumps to the conclusion that this man wants to murder you, but if you're not happy about meeting him there is really nothing to discuss - just follow through on your intention not to meet him.

Yes, like he did a year ago.

Not that he even said anything at all, he just disappeared.

Lie. Lie about everything. You don't owe this creep anything.
Tell him you're ill. Far too ill to meet. Covid or flu can last for weeks. Slow fade to stop messages. If he's still bothering you, say you're moving very far away for a career opportunity. Or say you now have a boyfriend.

Don't worry about seeing him in the streets. It's unlikely to happen, and if so, he'd probably first ask whether you are [Thefirstone], to which you'll say no. Wear a hat and sunglasses if it makes you feel safer.

All this aside, it sounds like you could do with some therapy and mental health support. If you'd like to find out about your unknown family, you could request a copy of your or your mum's birth certificate from the General Register Office (you can email them to ask for advice first), or do a DNA test if the name change happened before your birth.

Glad you're not meeting him, but I think there's lots of things you need to work on in yourself, based on your posts.

1. Your mind has jumped to murderer- why? The chances of him being a murderer are tiny. An abuser, potential rapist, general dickhead are all much more likely! But murderer makes me wonder if you have anxiety or are paranoid, especially the way you've gone from he's fine to murderer so quickly.
2. Age difference. If you are early 20s, why on earth are you looking for affection from a man almost doubled your age on a website? Get outside, join a club or a hobby, and meet actual people. You don't need an old man to look after you.
3. Boundaries. Again, why do you want a complete stranger in your space? Did you even think for a moment- what if I don't like him in person? How do I get him to leave? Never mind the potential dangers. Meet people out and about for at least a few dates.
4. Red flags. He's older, he's love bombing, he disappeared and then came back, he said he's got mental health issues, h seems nice but he's looking for people to cuddle online, he's pushy. Did you notice any of these? If not, then please get yourself off online sites like that, you need to have your wits about you on them
5. You seem like a very vulnerable person, who would benefit from some therapy. If you are not doing so, it might be worth looking into.

See this friend you spoke to line about him, the friend who suggested he wanted to murder you… who are they? And how do you know them?
Are they another random from some website you’ve started talking to? Or are they actually a friend you personally know and you’ve just been texting about this?

I’m concerned that this other person also sounds like a random from the internet, and you’ve probably given them your life story to. They probably see that you’re vulnerable and are playing on your insecurities by telling you this man is probably going to murder you etc. Random “fiends” you make online are not your friends and do not have your best interests at heart. Sounds like someone who enjoys a bit of drama and getting you all worked up.

The chances of the date/cuddle guy being an actual murdered are ridiculous. But since you met him on a cuddle site, and he was very full on and then aggressive and pushy about staying over then the chances of him being a creep are very high. Just end the chat with him, block him and move on. Guy is a total creep being aggressive over staying at yours. It’s not on. Really, block him now.

But so consider this other online friend…. And any others? How many only “friends” do you have?

He Is not worth your time and energy. Please say you can’t make it now and block him.

And never invite Strange men into your home unless it’s a tradesman you’ve employed

Just cancel the meet and block him. Get your boundaries strongly in place. You need then because you sound kind of vulnerable and let people railroad you. You owe this guy absolutely zero. Don't give an excuse. Just say sorry I don't want to meet. Please don't contact me again and then block him on everything.

I think be very careful about giving personal information to someone you have never met. It's too easy for someone to pretend to be something they arnt. You need to meet someone for the first time in a public place with a family member or friend knowing who you are with and arrangement to call them at a specific time. So many alarm bells for this man. Do not meet him just block and move on. I think you need to spend some time working on your boundaries and self esteem. I say this with kindness but you seem lonely and it making you vulnerable. Maybe try local groups where you can meet someone naturally and see who you hit it off with. Best of luck you seem lovely and deserve more than this ❤️