Was my online date probably going to murder me?

[Thefirstone]

I haven’t slept tonight.
In early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online (I don’t remember which one). I am early 20’s and he is late 30’s so a lot older than me. we spoke for a few weeks at most but we clicked on a personal level and it was intense. I lived closer to him at the time (I now don’t). It became clear we had bonded. He spoke a lot about the issues he has with his family and I shared a bit about mine. He made himself out to be a really safe and trustworthy person that cared about me and I believe I massively over shared about my personal life, not knowing my family (I was brought up by my mother and she changed her name and her second name which I also took so I have no idea who my family are and she won’t talk about it), and having very minimal contact with my mother because she is bipolar and can turn on and off, she isn’t completely bad but has an abusive side to her and it isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t have many friends. We exchanged numbers. We didn’t meet in person but we were going to. He had good reviews. One day he just stopped replying a few days before we were going to meet up and after a bit I assumed he had lost interest and I deleted his number. I was a bit disappointed but I just forgot about him soon enough. I ended up moving a few hours away.
a few weeks ago I got a call and I didn’t know who it was at first but he was speaking to me in a friendly manner, asking me how I was etc. He explained who he was and that he lost contact because he ended up in hospital and then started dealing with personal family issues and self harm, and nevertheless I still don’t understand why he reached out to me but didn’t know how to question it further. He wanted to meet up like we were going to the first time bear in mind it had been more than a year since he just disappeared so I was reluctant despite how well we got on the first time.
I explained to him that I wanted to get to know him first and explained that he would have to stay in a hotel as I’m not completely comfortable. at first he seemed understanding and spoke about how he is respectful of the way that I feel but later on he got very offended and said that I must not like him if I am going to make him stay in a hotel even though it is the first time meeting him.
I have found his Facebook page it is from 2014 and he has no other social media besides linked in.
I suppose it is hard to work out with limited information but I have been speaking to a friend online who has said that he sounds manipulative and like he knows that I am isolated and cut off from a support network, knows I have issues and would be the perfect target if he is a murderer.
we were meant to meet up this Friday evening ever since the date was planned I have been having recurring vivid nightmares about being murdered in my bed by him and dragged off into the wooded area by my house. Tonight I haven’t slept at all as it’s Friday.
he doesn’t know my exact address but we were due to meet literally in a public space over the street from my house so that I can verify he was who he said he was before bringing him back to my house
but now I’m 99% sure I don’t want to at all.
I obviously have no evidence and it’s probably more likely that he wanted a shag but does it sound like he wanted to murder me and are there any other signs that I should look for that would tell me which it is? Do I explain anything to him or just block? I am extremely uncomfortable that he even has a rough idea of where I am and knows my name and number etc
if you got this far thanks for reading

@Thefirstone Good move.

Part of working on your mental health is building a good social network. Casual friendships, built naturally through hobby and sports groups.
Church groups, volunteering, amature dramatics, gym, tennis, diving, anything try a few groups and build your social network.

I don’t think you previously mentioned that you had blocked him (or if you did I’ve missed it too! ) but either way that all sounds like a very positive move in the right direction. Definitely best to leave this individual in the past.

I've gone back and there is definitely no mentions of blocking him

What the heck is a ''Cuddle'' website? It sounds absolutely hideous.

Many years ago, my schoolfriend had a creepy older boyfriend she met who ''Loved Cuddling''....She invited me over..and he wanted horrible 'cuddles' with three of us. He was about 30 and seemed ancient.
I was 16 and thought it very uncomfortable.

His creepy 'hhhmmmmmmm' noises as he cuddled- I was straining to get away from making contact with his beastly groin.

Even the word ''Cuddle'' gives me the heebie jeebies.

'Hug' is much better, but only with someone you like and feel at ease with.

”his beastly groin” - sorry, @oakleaffy, the situation sounds horrible but that really made me laugh 😂

Glad you’re feeling a bit better, OP. There’s lots of lovely advice on here (see @TheSignsAllPointToGuiltyAsF’s post amongst others) so please don’t get caught up in all the extreme stuff about dogs and police checks and surveillance - it’s easy to escalate into panicky ‘what ifs?’ and get too much in your head if you suffer with anxiety.

All that’s happened is you’ve had a near miss with a creepy bloke off the internet who was probably a chancer wanting a shag, and in all likelihood you’ll never hear from him again. Obviously do whatever you need to do to feel safe, but otherwise try to relax and have a nice weekend.

No there isn’t.

That’s really positive. Good for you.

Never bring a guy home that quickly, it's really unsafe. Even if you meet him over the road, you'll still know next to nothing about him.
You don't ever need any excuse to say no to a date, just say you've changed your mind and don't want any contact.
Sexual or financial exploitation are much more likely than murder.

Can I just say, I think this way of meeting people oin general is very risky. You say you don't like going out but I would never invite someone I don't know over to my house for a first date. You're asking for trouble.
Always meet in a public place first. You say you don't like going out but there must be something outside of your home you enjoy doing. It doesn't have to be a bar. It could be the cinema. Anywhere. But please don't arrange first dates at home. You have no option to escape and the person now knows where you live...

As a rule from my and my friends recent dating experience when you just meet someone - on a first date - you traditionally only go for a coffee, if possible at lunch time so that you don’t waste too much time on it. Me and my friends would generally line up all of our first dates at lunch, have them meet us somewhere close to our office. If that went well we’d go for a longer lunch and a walk on the weekend for the second date, third date would be drinks, on the fourth date maybe they’d be invited for a pre-show drink (if we were going to see a play/show/ movie etc) at our place. Someone even suggesting to meet us at our house on the first date would be automatically blocked.

Nothing really to add from other helpful posts - but this rings alarm bells to me. Big hug 🤗

Trust your instincts.

Something is not right with the way you met, were attracted, dumped. And now he's pursued you at a new address.

He's a user and abuser.

The most likely reason you got dumped the first time, is because he was playing 10 women at the same time.

You know he smells worse than a rotting fish.

Please block him.

Go meet someone - who doesn't target vulnerable people. Be attracted to somoeone stable who isn't dealing with "personal family issues and self harm".

It might be your current comfort zone to mix with the severely emotionally wounded.

But if you want to climb up and out of that - find a partner from a stable, tolerant, easy going family background.

Because if you consider having children - you need to be with someone who knows what "normal" looks like.

If that thought has entered your head you cannot meet him.

Also - read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

Only meet at lunchtime. He could have been in prison?

Or - please block him and don't meet him.

Absolutely this.

This is a weird thread… I don’t understand why you think he was planning to murder you? I agree he doesn’t sound like a great catch and you’ve absolutely done the right thing binning and blocking him, but I think you’ve made a huge leap from that to intent to murder.

I appreciate that’s thanks in part to your alarmist friend and the people on here who are fuelling it, but I really think you can relax now. You did a good job listening to your instincts. Congratulate yourself and move on.

ANY date, you should be telling someone you trust where you are going and checking in to say you are OK.
Sure 99.9% are safe, and not weird/dangerous but even normal people can get carried away at times.

To be honest I don't think you are mentally in the right place to be dating at the moment... You seem a bit anxious and unsure of yourself.
Take some time to work on your confidence going forward and try to relax.. I would have thought nothing of blocking this guy and moving on with my life.

‘Cosy night in ‘ is subtext for sex you know.
You haven’t been using that phrase when you’ve been communicating with him have you?
You’ve given him the idea you’re ‘easy ‘ and available.
You really mustn’t meet him.

Dreams can be so symbolic that they are hard to find meaning in, but they are generally warning you of something! WOULD he kill you? Probably not. But maybe. COULD he kill you? OH, yes. Or perhaps your subconscious was warning you that he would kill some part of you, inside, control you, make you miserable. EITHER WAY, this is not a person you have a serious investment in, you've never laid eyes on him, so consider yourself warned, and have nothing else to do with him.

BTW...his response to this will tell you a LOT.

@Thefirstone You sound incredibly vulnerable. I understand that people are into different things but a cuddle website sounds like exactly the type of place a manipulative predator hangs out. You said he wanted to know about your personal issues in depth and I suppose then to meet you for a lengthy, soothing cuddle. It’s so weird and sounds exactly like the thing wanting to prey on vulnerable people would hang out. Yes, maybe he did want to rape and murder you but it sounds like it would be a lot more insidious than that. I also don’t understand how you can possibly think it’s ok to have a stranger come to your home for a cosy evening in.

Your mental health is obviously not tip top and someone upthread gave you excellent advice re building your support network. Truly organic, bonded friendships and relationships will offer you the love and comfort you so desperately crave and it’s important to invest in these for own well-being.

I’m concerned at the rambling nature of your writing. I know you were sleep deprived but are you prone to highs and lows? I ask because you mention that your Mum is bipolar and there is an increased likelihood of being bipolar if a parent is. It’s often not diagnosed until people are in their 20s so if you feel that this could potentially be a possibility then do please make an appointment with your GP as the help is out there.

You did the right thing my blocking this man. Try and avoid engaging in anything that leaves you so vulnerable right now.

I think your jump to murderer seems a bit extreme, but all your instincts are waving a MASSIVE RED FLAG! Trust your instincts. Always. Tell him you have changed your mind and then block him.

You have over shared here as well as with this guy you need to rethink your boundaries and also build up your RL so you don't get yourself into vulnerable situations

In this instance I would have lied and said that an ex boyfriend had gotten back in touch and you wanted to give that relationship another go. Thank him for all his support and apologise that you can no longer catch up, you hope he doesn’t feel his time had been wasted but wish him all the best.

All completely unnecessary. Just a simple sorry, but I've changed my mind about meeting and would like to leave things here. All the best.

Elaborate excuses, lies and padding and fictitious men are not usually needed. Simple clarity and civility is normally the best option.

It doesn't save people's feelings or make things safer to add untrue details. Certainly not at this stage when he'd been behaving so weirdly. Better to show polite, autonomous, firm and final decision making.

That’s true yousexybugger, however I’ve had men push for reasons, and when you’re trying to not upset someone or you feel vulnerable, bringing up the ‘ex boyfriend’ worked well.