Was my online date probably going to murder me?

[Thefirstone]

I haven’t slept tonight.
In early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online (I don’t remember which one). I am early 20’s and he is late 30’s so a lot older than me. we spoke for a few weeks at most but we clicked on a personal level and it was intense. I lived closer to him at the time (I now don’t). It became clear we had bonded. He spoke a lot about the issues he has with his family and I shared a bit about mine. He made himself out to be a really safe and trustworthy person that cared about me and I believe I massively over shared about my personal life, not knowing my family (I was brought up by my mother and she changed her name and her second name which I also took so I have no idea who my family are and she won’t talk about it), and having very minimal contact with my mother because she is bipolar and can turn on and off, she isn’t completely bad but has an abusive side to her and it isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t have many friends. We exchanged numbers. We didn’t meet in person but we were going to. He had good reviews. One day he just stopped replying a few days before we were going to meet up and after a bit I assumed he had lost interest and I deleted his number. I was a bit disappointed but I just forgot about him soon enough. I ended up moving a few hours away.
a few weeks ago I got a call and I didn’t know who it was at first but he was speaking to me in a friendly manner, asking me how I was etc. He explained who he was and that he lost contact because he ended up in hospital and then started dealing with personal family issues and self harm, and nevertheless I still don’t understand why he reached out to me but didn’t know how to question it further. He wanted to meet up like we were going to the first time bear in mind it had been more than a year since he just disappeared so I was reluctant despite how well we got on the first time.
I explained to him that I wanted to get to know him first and explained that he would have to stay in a hotel as I’m not completely comfortable. at first he seemed understanding and spoke about how he is respectful of the way that I feel but later on he got very offended and said that I must not like him if I am going to make him stay in a hotel even though it is the first time meeting him.
I have found his Facebook page it is from 2014 and he has no other social media besides linked in.
I suppose it is hard to work out with limited information but I have been speaking to a friend online who has said that he sounds manipulative and like he knows that I am isolated and cut off from a support network, knows I have issues and would be the perfect target if he is a murderer.
we were meant to meet up this Friday evening ever since the date was planned I have been having recurring vivid nightmares about being murdered in my bed by him and dragged off into the wooded area by my house. Tonight I haven’t slept at all as it’s Friday.
he doesn’t know my exact address but we were due to meet literally in a public space over the street from my house so that I can verify he was who he said he was before bringing him back to my house
but now I’m 99% sure I don’t want to at all.
I obviously have no evidence and it’s probably more likely that he wanted a shag but does it sound like he wanted to murder me and are there any other signs that I should look for that would tell me which it is? Do I explain anything to him or just block? I am extremely uncomfortable that he even has a rough idea of where I am and knows my name and number etc
if you got this far thanks for reading

Do not go!

Your gut is telling you something is not right, you must listen to this.

Chances are he is not a murderer but I do know our minds go into overdrive at night. BUT you have this feeling for a reason.

A cuddle site just sounds downright creepy I am sorry to say. Have you deleted your profile from there too?

If you have to say something just say something has come up and you cannot make it. You have to go away. You have covid. You have the shits. You've changed your mind, You don't want to meet up. Etc etc And then block him. On everything. Don't get into a conversation about it, as I suspect he is going to talk you around.

And then take this as a lesson of how manipulative people target vulnerable people. It's easily done when you are not aware.

Sorry I cross posted with you.

So I'm glad you aren't going but please, never consider letting someone you don't know back to your house.

His behaviour suggests that he uses this 'cuddle website' as a hunting ground for the vulnerable and has already shown he's trying to manipulate you by being offended when you asserted your boundaries.

The bit you need to remember if that you owe him nothing and that your priority is your comfort, well-being and safety.

Easiest thing to do is message that you 'won't make it today as previously planned, take care of yourself' etc so that there is no invitation to reply and then block. That's it.

Then you put this behind you, avoid these sites in future (had never heard of them) and put it down to a life lesson.

You've not done anything wrong OP, these people are arch manipulators, they know what they're doing.

It'll all be ok.

First dates should ALWAYS be in public. Never ever invite someone to your house, or go to their house, for a first date (or any date until you feel comfortable to do so). Whether they’re someone who seems nice and normal, or a weirdo from a cuddle site. Just don’t do it. Ever.
For this one I’d make an excuse and then stop contact. If you don’t think he would accept you saying you’ve changed your mind, say you have a stomach bug.

N social media presence and disappeared for a while. Could have potentially been to prison. Have you tried to google his name?
I'd run a mile to be honest, your gut instinct is screaming at you for a reason. Listen to it!

Absolutely follow your gut and stop inviting strangers to your house. Even if you don't like going to places you cannot bring strangers to yours. I cannot believe you would put yourself in such danger.

Because your first post says you might meet him still, your next posts say you've invited him to your flat for board games and another one says you don't want to meet him , but he's going to turn up near your home (which you arranged) and you still want to see what he's like all be it from a distance and you say you feel overwhelmed. So people are genuinely trying to help you. You are playing with fire but seems on one level you like the drama of whether he's a murderer or not.

This x 100.
Even if you hate going places (and my children have social anxiety so I get it).
Find a place in public you can stand and meet people the first few times there if you are going to continue with online "dating".
It is very very dangerous to bring people back to your home. And always make sure a friend (even I as a work colleague would do this if we worked together) knows where you are meeting and will give you calls to check up at specific points. Also think of having a code word to signal that you are not happy.

100% agree! OP you sound quite vulnerable, being on a cuddle site, chatting with a much older man and oversharing a lot of very personal information about your life with someone who's no more than a random internet stranger.

I doubt he's an actual murderer, but there are a lot of men out there who will try to exploit your trust and naivety and you need to be much more alert to that. Some of them will just be after a shag and will say what they need to get that from your. Some of them will be abusive and predatory and try to manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do. Be more suspicious and less trusting from the outset and protect yourself with better boundaries.

meeting up with him this Friday was going to be a cosy evening in on the couch maybe having a movie night and playing a board game or something like that

With someone you have never met?

I'm quite speechless tbh. Never, ever, invite people you don't know into your home, anywhere near it, or even let them know where you live.

Don't go anywhere near anyone that would be happy to go to your home on a first date as a stranger either. Any decent man wouldn't want to know where you live that soon.

You were inviting him to your place for movie night or board games on a first date? No no no. Please don't ever do this. First dates are coffee shops or afternoon walks in a park with plenty of other people around.

The 'cuddle' site sounds very odd indeed.

Please look after yourself.

Agree with everyone else.
He sounds predatory.
Could well mhave been in prison for a year.
Tell him you are cancelling. Good excuse would be you have a new job and working away.
Then block this weirdo.

I’m a bit confused by this post because it sounds like you have agreed to meet him and are questioning whether you should. Are you instead seeking advice about how to get out of it, now that he has so much information about you?

If so, the answer is that you message him as early as possible with a reason you can’t meet. I would make up an excuse that creates a sense of security as well by inventing a brother, male cousin or male friend, or a group of friends that you have to spend time with / have called on you for something. I know that’s tricky given you have shared so much already that may contradict it but have a think about what could be plausible. I would ordinarily say you just ghost someone in these circumstances - you owe him nothing - but if I have understood correctly then he knows where you live and could potentially turn up at your home if he doesn’t hear from you.

If he responds in a way that you find concerning, you should make sure any friends / neighbours know about your concerns. I would also log it with the police by calling the non-emergency number. Chances are he is just a bit odd vs. dangerous, but never feel that you can’t flag your concerns, and never ignore your instincts on such things.

More broadly OP, never arrange to meet strangers off the Internet at your home. You do not know this man, it just feels like you do. I understand that you’ve said you don’t want to meet him but at some point you agreed to this so it feels important to underscore it to you. Even if your instincts weren’t screaming at you it’s still a really unwise thing to do. I don’t mean to be unkind, I just really want you to take that on board 💐

Once you have shut this guy down (and had a good night’s sleep!) you should spend some time thinking about how to develop better boundaries and more social support in real life. There are lots of sensible women on here who could help with advice or recommend wider resources for that. It sounds like you’ve had a tough start in life, but you’re very young and have lots of time to build genuinely secure and supportive relationships for yourself.

You don't owe him an excuse, you can just say, I've changed my mind.

feel that when we first spoke he was encouraging me to tell him about my problems and it was nice to kind of offload and speak to someone about them but I am very uncomfortable that he could have potentially been trying to work out wether or not I could be his victim? I could just be catastrophising though.

No that sounds like a legitimate theory and concern to me. Not catastrophising.

Op, please, please do not invite strangers into your home like this. I’d also recommend not meeting him, but if you Insist, and I hope you don’t, text him you want to meet for coffee and he needs to stay in a hotel.

honestlh you’re in such danger, you should never ever invite strange men to your home like this.

You don't need an excuse - just tell him your changed your mind and then block. Job done !

What sort of hospital?

I don’t know about murdering you but he sounds forceful. Definitely work on your boundaries.

My first thoughts after reading he went awol for a year and now is in contact and putting pressure on you to meet at your house are that either he was in prison or is married/in a long term relationship.

Regardless of the reason, your instincts are there for a reason - you need to trust them. I wouldn’t immediately jump to murderer but perhaps someone who could attack you. Red flag that he is putting pressure to meet at your home.

Can you drop in a few times you have a ‘cousin’ staying with you for a few weeks? And he is a security guard or something similar. Might put him off. Then gradually phase him out, take longer to reply to messages. He will lose interest. Hope you’re ok/get some sleep.

Absolutely this ^
I suspect that you gave him completely the wrong message talking about a cosy night in and playing board games OP, he clearly thought his luck was in.
Never, ever have a first date in or near your house, meeting in a nearby road is silly, he can easily find out where you live.
Meet in a pub or somewhere with lots of people close (I know you don’t like going out, crowds etc) but you must be far more aware of your own safety.
Don’t divulge so much personal information about yourself to a complete stranger, it’s foolish and makes you very vulnerable to any creep out there.

Thinking he wants to murder you sounds a bit extreme but you're obviously uncomfortable meeting him so don't. Just text him sorry but you've decided not to. Then block him and don't engage again. Incidentally unless you are a friend of someone on Facebook it often only shows their posts from 2014. Once you are friends then you can see all their recent posts, so it doesn't necessarily mean he hasn't posted since 2014. That's all academic though because you aren't going to meet him.

Does he know what you look like?

"Can you drop in a few times you have a ‘cousin’ staying with you for a few weeks? And he is a security guard or something similar. Might put him off."

This. If you simply don't show up he will be there waiting for you, and if he knows you live somewhere just over the road he may come looking for you. This man has already demonstrated he has no respect for your boundaries, he doesn't seem the kind to just give up and walk away.

Make an excuse which involves a male friend or relative, back from the army, police officer going through separation and staying for a long time etc. as a deterrent.

Be vigilant when you come and go to your house, if he knows what you look like he may hang around. Honestly he sounds dangerous in some capacity, can you stay somewhere else for the weekend?

I’m glad you have decided not to meet him.

Honestly if he is looking for a victim, the easiest way to get rid of him is to show that you are too strong to be manipulated. Tell him straight, you aren’t interested in meeting, he’s walked all over your boundaries and you are no longer interested and immediately block.

If board games are your kind of thing, there are board game cafes that you could go to on a first date.

Not with that guy, but another time.