Was my online date probably going to murder me?

[Thefirstone]

I haven’t slept tonight.
In early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online (I don’t remember which one). I am early 20’s and he is late 30’s so a lot older than me. we spoke for a few weeks at most but we clicked on a personal level and it was intense. I lived closer to him at the time (I now don’t). It became clear we had bonded. He spoke a lot about the issues he has with his family and I shared a bit about mine. He made himself out to be a really safe and trustworthy person that cared about me and I believe I massively over shared about my personal life, not knowing my family (I was brought up by my mother and she changed her name and her second name which I also took so I have no idea who my family are and she won’t talk about it), and having very minimal contact with my mother because she is bipolar and can turn on and off, she isn’t completely bad but has an abusive side to her and it isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t have many friends. We exchanged numbers. We didn’t meet in person but we were going to. He had good reviews. One day he just stopped replying a few days before we were going to meet up and after a bit I assumed he had lost interest and I deleted his number. I was a bit disappointed but I just forgot about him soon enough. I ended up moving a few hours away.
a few weeks ago I got a call and I didn’t know who it was at first but he was speaking to me in a friendly manner, asking me how I was etc. He explained who he was and that he lost contact because he ended up in hospital and then started dealing with personal family issues and self harm, and nevertheless I still don’t understand why he reached out to me but didn’t know how to question it further. He wanted to meet up like we were going to the first time bear in mind it had been more than a year since he just disappeared so I was reluctant despite how well we got on the first time.
I explained to him that I wanted to get to know him first and explained that he would have to stay in a hotel as I’m not completely comfortable. at first he seemed understanding and spoke about how he is respectful of the way that I feel but later on he got very offended and said that I must not like him if I am going to make him stay in a hotel even though it is the first time meeting him.
I have found his Facebook page it is from 2014 and he has no other social media besides linked in.
I suppose it is hard to work out with limited information but I have been speaking to a friend online who has said that he sounds manipulative and like he knows that I am isolated and cut off from a support network, knows I have issues and would be the perfect target if he is a murderer.
we were meant to meet up this Friday evening ever since the date was planned I have been having recurring vivid nightmares about being murdered in my bed by him and dragged off into the wooded area by my house. Tonight I haven’t slept at all as it’s Friday.
he doesn’t know my exact address but we were due to meet literally in a public space over the street from my house so that I can verify he was who he said he was before bringing him back to my house
but now I’m 99% sure I don’t want to at all.
I obviously have no evidence and it’s probably more likely that he wanted a shag but does it sound like he wanted to murder me and are there any other signs that I should look for that would tell me which it is? Do I explain anything to him or just block? I am extremely uncomfortable that he even has a rough idea of where I am and knows my name and number etc
if you got this far thanks for reading

The proposed meeting and bringing the man to your apartment is far, far, far too risky. The profile of the man and his contact pattern are not safe at all. Actually, too many alarm bells. BE CAREFUL, BE BOLD in saying NO to him and to yourself.

This! Work on yourself, make some more friends, and when you are ready never, ever invite a stranger to your house! I very much h doubt he's a murderer but he is a wrong uncle and you don't want him in your life, he sounds like he has selected you based on your insecurities and issues and sees you as a prime "victim" for him to exert control over as he clearly has issues and insecurities way worse than yours, please look after yourself x

I'm glad you decided not to meet with him OP as there were a few red flags (particularly him not wanting to respect your boundaries). On a seperate note, you do sound as though you may be suffering from anxiety. If you haven't already spoken with a professional about this please do contact somebody.
Mind.co.uk or your gp may be able to offer some advice to help with this.

This seems like another of the odd made up threads that keep cropping up these days.
Very strange. If it is real hope OP is ok and he didn't come looking for her.

It seems very unlikely that he's going to murder you. On the other hand, he doesn't seem good for you, whether through his fault or not, so I would say your best bet is to call off the date and write him off as a bad job.

BLOCK!!

I think it's a bit extreme to label him as a murder tbh seems like ur allowing your friends suggestion to influence you or anxiety has kicked in but nevertheless something is telling you this isn't right so I defo wouldn't be meeting him in anyway.

He seems very intense from your disruption and possibly a complete nut job.

I would just send him a matter of fact message cancelling for Friday and making it clear you have no interest in taking the relationship further....no need to justify your self and then just be careful when out and about for a bit.

None of this arrangement is ‘normal’ imo - do not talk to random men online and arrange to meet them after such a bizarre series of events! Do not meet him. Block him and change your number. He sounds completely unhinged. Lots of luck x

‘I’ve changed my mind about meeting, sorry.’ Then block delete move on and don’t think about it. This person is a stranger and you don’t feel safe with him. Listen to your gut.

I agree with pp that you sound a bit anxious in your thinking about him being a murderer. I suspect he is just a complete weirdo! I would avoid all of these online sites and relationships without actual contact or meeting on dates etc because you will just meet odd balls

I would say to him that you've spoken about him with friends, and you've reached the conclusion that it's dangerous to invite a stranger into your home, you don't know him, you don't want to know him and you no longer want to meet or hear from him again. And then block him.

You don't have to be rude but I also wouldn't concern yourself with being gentle or sparing his feelings. Be direct, blunt and to the point. And don't apologise as you have nothing to be sorry for. I think it would be good to let him know that you perceive him as a threat and you have discussed this with other people in your life who now also know who he is / what he looks like and what name he goes by. That way, if he is a predator he will be less likely to target you / see you as a good mark.

I think you should trust your instincts and treat him as though he is a predator. Even if you're mistaken, you really have nothing to lose by ditching someone who ghosted you for a full year.

Please please trust your instincts and don't go. Block him and move on. My experience from online dating is that your instincts are always right and if you are spending time wondering about it and have to ask other people for advice, then there's something wrong. Is this making you happy? If not then you don't want it.

Listen to your gut feelings and better protect yourself. No more chatting to people online about personal stuff and block that guy. You don't owe him anything at all. He could be mentally ill and want to meet you for bad reasons e.g. rape/murder etc.

It sounds like you have done the right thing. Blocked him and sought advice.

Keep calm and carry on.

He doesn't know your address.

You picked up a vibe that wasn't safe so also shows you have good instinct.

Stay safe
And work on your mental health.
(Like you stated)

Keep working on your healthy sleep routine.

Your instincts are smart - always trust your gut. You can also submit a Clares Law request with Police to tell you if he has a history of convicted abuse. Either way - if he doesn't trust your opinion and gets pushy at the early stages before you've met at the point where you deserve to be wooed, that will not improve. Check out theLauraRichards.com for helpful pointers

What are you thinking. Do mot do this. I hate all this social media where people think they have met their sole mate. Just cut him off now.

@ThefirstoneIn early 2023 I met someone through a cuddle website online .

If you think meeting online strangers for cuddling and sharing childhood traumas is a good idea you need to seek therapy and stay away from the internet. Get offline into the real world, make real friends with references and eventually you'll meet someone safe enough to cuddle. If I was a dangerous predator these type of "cuddling websites" (WTF?) would be my hunting grounds to find vulnerable women.

Personally I don't think it sounds like he wanted to murder you! However, it is possible that any stranger could have bad intentions so it's not a good idea to give your address out before you get to know someone. I wouldn't worry about someone having my phone number though. It's always a good idea to meet in a public place with lots of other people around and to make sure a friend knows where you are and what your plans are. A couple of points which make it even mot important to be careful are the fact he has no information on social media, so you can't verify anything he has said, and the fact that he disappeared and then reappeared. Those certainly don't make him a murderer and there are many innocent explanations - but be extra cautious.
If you don't want to see him, then block him and avoid the place you planned to meet for a while. If you do, tell him you want to get to know him better online before meeting in person and if he is too pushy, block him.

I really don’t understand the big deal ?

you don’t want to meet him, that’s fine, just message and say that and then block him

it really is that simple 🤨

you sound like a very anxious person OP and I hope you have real life support.

I agree with this. This is extremely dangerous & does leave you open to all sorts of horrible things. Sadly, you can never know who is dangerous as they put on a mask. Look at all attackers/serial killers, they were known to be gentlemen, well mannered, that's how they lured their victims. Follow your instincts & stay well away from these websites, online chats etc & also, only meet in public spaces far away from home, make your own way there & back but be vigilant that you're not followed home & no matter how friendly you think these people are, do not accept a lift home or anywhere else.