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Original poster

Daughters wedding and vile step mother drama

176 replies

MrsPumplechook · 28/05/2024 09:47

My daughter is talking about getting married and we are thrilled. The issue is that her father left for me for the OW who has been vile in many ways for a number of years. My daughter has zero relationship with her father's wife, other than to say hello and make small talk with. Needless to say, I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.
The issue is, I'm pretty sure that this woman will not allow my ex to go to our daughter's wedding without her.
What do we do? My daughter would dearly love her dad to be there but everyone hates the wife and it would ruin the day for everyone if she turned up.

OP posts:
IncognitoUsername · 28/05/2024 09:50

Daughter needs to talk to her dad and explain her point of view.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2024 09:52

DD invites him alone and if he won’t attend without his wife then he won’t be there. I don’t think it’s that complicated. His wife didn’t ruin your marriage, your ex did. If he hadn’t left for her he’d have left for someone else. He might want to be there and she may have no interest in going so it might be fine. Tricky for your daughter.

rainbowstardrops · 28/05/2024 09:55

It's tricky but your daughter needs to speak to her dad and explain how she's feeling. I don't know why you're blaming the other woman for wrecking your marriage because your ex husband did that.

AnitaLoos · 28/05/2024 09:59

Would it really ruin the day for ‘everyone’ or for you? I can see why you aren’t keen on her but the person who matters here is your daughter. She wants her dad there are it’s normal to attend a wedding with your spouse. Can’t you bring yourself to be the bigger person for her sake? It’s your ex husband who left you, not this woman.

Soontobe60 · 28/05/2024 09:59

Interesting.
The man you married and the father of your Dd seems to have got off Scot free with his infidelity and breaking up of the family. Why don’t either of you feel so much venom towards him as you do his wife?

SpringerFall · 28/05/2024 10:00

Your daughter does what she wants, you do nothing

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2024 10:01

My daughter has zero relationship with her father's wife, other than to say hello and make small talk with.

That’s not zero relationship. Are you sure your DD would hate her being there or is she worried about your reaction?

MILTOBE · 28/05/2024 10:03

I think it would be quite good fun having her there with everyone hating her!

SpringShower · 28/05/2024 10:03

I always think in this situation (which is very common with weddings and blended families) that it is better to be the bigger person. Why should he attend without his wife? She is part of his life and will be part of your grandchildren’s lives.

If I was your DD I’d suck it up and play happy families, if I were YOU, I’d stay well out this. You’ll look like a shit stirrer if you don’t.

BeBopBeBop · 28/05/2024 10:07

Your DD can't win here. Either she'll upset her dad, and probably less of an issue, also the Stepmother, or she'll upset you. I strongly advise you to follow her lead, and if she decides she wants her there, then you'll have to accept that as her decision.

DH and I are both from divorced families; we just didn't have a traditional top table. We gave each parent their own table so they were comfortable at the reception. DH did speak to his cousin who he's very close to and put him on alert that if DH's mum (who frankly had suffered the most of everyone) was looking lost or sad to sweep in and distract. And spoke to his Dad and told him he expected him and SM to behave and be aware of the sensitivities. In the end everyone just managed to be sensible.

Aldertrees · 28/05/2024 10:07

This is not an uncommon problem in the age of serial monogamy. New marriage vows: for as long as I can be arsed.

Good that your DD is getting married and hasn't been put off by her father's disgraceful behaviour. That is a credit to you OP.

Weddings are always stressful. Try to focus on the fun parts and ignore the mistress. If she insists on turning up she can sit at the back.

TinyYellow · 28/05/2024 10:11

However awful this woman is, she does not have the power to either ‘let’ your ex go to his daughters wedding or refuse. That power lies with your ex, and him alone. Your daughter needs to state her position, that she wants her father but not his wife at her wedding, and then all she can do is wait to see if he is a decent man and father or if he is a disloyal, hen pecked dickhead.

Breeches1 · 28/05/2024 10:12

It’s literally not your problem

Breeches1 · 28/05/2024 10:13

your daughter decides what she wants. Then you have to suck it up

pocketheart · 28/05/2024 10:15

Breeches1 · 28/05/2024 10:12

It’s literally not your problem

This.

Presumably your dd is an adult if she's getting married? Let her do what suits her, not you.

Sounds rather like your dd is worrying about upsetting you? Why not hold your head high and just deal with her stepmother being there?

I seriously doubt your theory that 'everyone' will be upset by her being there and why on earth is the hate directed at the ow and your ex who is actually the 'baddie' in all of this!!

Hedgerow2 · 28/05/2024 10:15

As others have said, you may dislike the OW, but your ex is responsible for breaking up your family and the ensuing unhappiness.

The only thing you need to do is make it clear to your dd that it's her day and you will support her with whatever she wants to do. If that includes inviting the OW so that her father can attend, then tell her you don't have a problem with that. Slap on a smile on the big day and focus on making it a memorable day for your dd.

olympicsrock · 28/05/2024 10:19

Your daughter is ‘talking about’ getting married. You are jumping the gun and far too focused on the OW/ second wife.

Focus on your daughter’s happiness and your future. When they get round to send out invitations somewhere down the line , the couple invite who they want and that’s all there is to it.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 28/05/2024 10:20

TinyYellow · 28/05/2024 10:11

However awful this woman is, she does not have the power to either ‘let’ your ex go to his daughters wedding or refuse. That power lies with your ex, and him alone. Your daughter needs to state her position, that she wants her father but not his wife at her wedding, and then all she can do is wait to see if he is a decent man and father or if he is a disloyal, hen pecked dickhead.

This, essentially.

It sucks, but your DD needs to accept that if the "evil stepmother" is able to prevent her Dad from attending her wedding, it's because her Dad puts SMs feelings above DDs feelings.

Knowing that, DD needs to decide if she wants her Dad there badly enough to put up with SM also being there, or not.

Your role in this is to support your DD, to make it clear you're happy and capable of putting aside your personal feelings for her and will not make an issue of SM being present at the wedding if it's for the greater good of your DD having the day she wants. By which I mean, make sure that you/wider family are not the one(s) making this awkward. I had plenty of people at my wedding I'm only on "small talk terms" with as they were partners of much loved guests. That in and of itself is not a problem. If the SM herself won't be causing problems on the day, then the issue lies with the wider family who all hate her so much they won't put it aside to allow your DD to have a nice wedding really!

2chocolateoranges · 28/05/2024 10:21

Your dd is an adult, she gets to choose who comes and doesn’t come to the wedding.

how long has her dad and his wife been together?

it was your ex husband that did you wrong.

WishIMite · 28/05/2024 10:23

You sound as though you need to step back. Weddings these days are complex but the whole point of them is to welcome someone into a family - regardless of how fucked-up that family is. That means you have to be the adult here.

Hating a woman 'with every cell' of your being, just because she was the one that your husband betrayed you with, is unreasonable.

You sound gleeful that this wedding is a chance to force your daughter to make her dad chose between his wife and his child.

There is a wicked mother here, but it's not the step-mother.

CountingCrones · 28/05/2024 10:31

Get over yourself. I’m sorry you are still hurt about you ex’s betrayal, but this is about your daughter and her wedding, not your upset.

If your DD sees her step mother and exchanges small talk, she clearly doesn’t have the same issues with her that you do. She’s showing loyalty to you by not disputing your “everyone hates the evil witch” narrative AND maintaining a polite relationship with her father’s wife.

It would be very upsetting for her to not have her father at her wedding. It would be unreasonable not to invite his wife. It would be awful to have her own mother doom mongering that the stepmother will ruin the wedding day for everyone (hint - she won’t as most guests won’t care).

Step up, be the mother your daughter deserves by prioritising her and not your feelings.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/05/2024 10:36

OP, I'm sorry you've had some really shitty messages here from people who haven't got a clue what it's like to go through what you have. I have too, with an equally awful and abusive OW. Fortunately in my case, she's a massive coward when it comes to actually facing people so wouldn't dare turn up but she'd make sure my ex didn't either.

I think you have to leave it to your daughter to decide. If she doesn't want her there then she just invites her dad. If he chooses not to go then that's his loss. I don't think you can do much more than that. I have a lovely friend who has had this exact scenario except she was mother of the groom. He didn't want OW there either but the father is a hideous bully who would have made his life hell. My friend was so very dignified, looked absolutely beautiful and rose above the goady cow. You would do the same I'm sure.

itsgettingweird · 28/05/2024 10:39

So you'd both be happy to have her father and your Ex husband who cheated on you and walked away from the family there - but somehow make it all his current wife's fault?

Cherrysoup · 28/05/2024 10:40

Has your dd said anything? I doubt her dad will want to come if his wife is banned. Is that what your dd wants?

May2024 · 28/05/2024 10:43

I've been there OP.

You really really really need to swallow your bitterness and think what's best for your daughter.

Let her invite the new step mum. She doesn't want to so she doesn't hurt you.

This is your daughter's day, not yours.

You don't need to speak to the OW or even look at her.

Just be as fucking fantastic as possible, let that worthless ex see what he lost!

Please don't spoil this special day for your daughter.