Daughters wedding and vile step mother drama

[MrsPumplechook]

My daughter is talking about getting married and we are thrilled. The issue is that her father left for me for the OW who has been vile in many ways for a number of years. My daughter has zero relationship with her father's wife, other than to say hello and make small talk with. Needless to say, I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.
The issue is, I'm pretty sure that this woman will not allow my ex to go to our daughter's wedding without her.
What do we do? My daughter would dearly love her dad to be there but everyone hates the wife and it would ruin the day for everyone if she turned up.

Your daughter invites who she wants to her wedding. If her dad chooses not to come because his partner isn't invited, that's his own choice and he has to live with that. There's no 'his partner not letting him come' business. Unless he is unable to physically get himself there (bedbound) or lacks capacity to make the decision to go due to cognitive issues, it's an active choice.

We have no relationship with MIL's partner. Anything we do as a family, only MIL is invited. Her partner is never welcome. Her choice to come or not. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. Either way, it's up to her. Generally though, because she values maintaining relationships with her dc and dgc, she comes.

At my (first) wedding, there were two people who were close family members of the groom who made our lives stressful and unpleasant with their demands / expectations about who else should be there. Please please don't do that to your daughter. It spolied our enjoyment of the run-up and I remember it decades later.

This is your daughter's wedding. If she wants her father to be there, it's only reasonable that his wife should be there. You don't have to engage, or to act like best friends, but it's unusual not to invite couples to a wedding. By not inviting her, you'd be admitting that she still has a power over you, and she will be more of a talking point amongst other guests than if she's there.

This isn't about who YOU want to be there, not even remotely. Be careful not to guilt-trip your daughter into thinking she has to be put in the awful position of telling her father that his wife isn't invited. Be clear that you want her to be happy, and she should invite whoever she wants and you'll have a lovely day. And mean it.

Finally, as many others have said - your ex broke up your marriage. He cheated on you and lied to you. The OW owed you nothing. If you can accept him being there, then you can accept her being there.

This wedding is about your DD and her soon to be husband. Noone will be thinking of you and your ex and his new wife - unless you make a big deal of it yourself.

Not if she doesn't want to and certainly not because her mother demands it

At no point has she said that. Of course she doesn't want her there. Who would? I don't think the daughter wants her there either. The daughter appears worried that her dad will choose OW over her. Which they usually do unfortunately 🤷🏻‍♀️

By the same token if the daughter wants to invite her step mother she should and she shouldn't be emotionally blackmailed by her mother insisting she can't come

You need to mind your own business tbh. Your DD can invite whoever she wants under whatever circumstances and people, including yourself, are free to decide whether to attend. I rather suspect your daughter is not the one making the decision not to invite the wife and I'd put money on the fact you're the only one who really hates her 🤷‍♀️

It's tricky but all you can do is tell your daughter you'll support her in whatever she decides to do.

Let her invite her father. He has every right to be at his DD's wedding, regardless of what happened in your marriage. If that means the OW is there too, so be it. You don't even have to look at her. This is all about your DD, no one else.

Wonder where the OP is

Agree with the practical points about managing the big day. Weddings are stage managed anyway. It is inevitable that the DD will be stressed that her dickhead dad's actions still cause misery years later. Don't add to her misery and try to put her first.

Do not agree with all the posters exonerating the woman who broke up a family. If it wasn't for women like this the father would have had to either make it work with his wife or made a clean break. Women who are willing (desperate enough) to become a mistress are the enablers of these feeble men.

Also agree that OP needs to work on her mental, health. Train for a marathon? Try and get these horrible people out of your system as far as possible.

If it wasn't for women like this the father would have had to either make it work with his wife or made a clean break. Women who are willing (desperate enough) to become a mistress are the enablers of these feeble men.

Doesn't matter how desperate etc they are; if a man chooses to behave decently, they have no influence. I could decide to sleep with a married man but nothing at all happens until he decides to sleep with me. Don't blame women for men who can't keep it in their pants. Fidelity that exists only for lack of opportunity is worthless.

He’s married to her. I think she should be invited.

I went to a wedding where the second wife was put on a separate table to all the family with people she didn’t even know because it was too awkward to put her with the family. Nobody approved. It was decided by the bride but even the family thought it was awful for her. I wouldn’t have gone personally.

I was at a wedding recently where this had happened with the groom's parents. His mum, having not seen his dad for about 2 years at this point, looked absolutely unbelievably stunning, confident, carefree and happy. The dad kept looking at her slack jawed.
She made a point of coming to speak to each table, very friendly and kind, thanking everyone for coming, how proud of her son she was etc.

The OW/new wife looked thoroughly miserable and left early when she realised that no one paid her any attention (including her husband).

Everyone there will know the situation. She won't take your place or be given any sort of special treatment. She'll be surrounded by your family and probably feel awkward as hell.

Why does your daughter want someone who has zero understanding of marriage there? Her dad is as much of a prick as the ow. Not exactly a good example are they!

This. I think OP should stay at home herself.

I’m sure it wouldn’t ruin it for ’everyone’ else.

It's tough but you need to let your daughter handle it. And if vile stepmother does come, you need to be strong and be the bigger person for the sake of your daughter and her special day.

It’s nothing to do with you

If your daughter doesn’t want her Dads partner there then she needs to discuss that with him

If he refuses to come without her then your daughter will have to accept that

Leave it up to your DD. She will need to decide whether it's more important to her that her dad comes or that his wife doesn't.

Not inviting her dad, or inviting him without his wife, would be a massive call and likely have long-term repercussions for their relationship. As such, it's really important that it's her decision and that you support her whatever she decides.

The best revenge is not needing revenge.
get some objective support in the lead up to the wedding (I mean a therapist) to help you work through the complicated emotions.

you need to actively work on demonstrating to your daughter that you can put your feelings aside. An excellent start would be using this woman’s name in conversations with your daughter and shifting your narrative to neutral rather than emotive words like vile.

I would have loved a big wedding but my parents couldn’t sort their shitty animosity out and I couldn’t see a way that it would not completely ruin my day and the 12 months leading up to it. It also made me feel really bloody sad to have a wedding without my family there.

there are zero winners in this.

I think you've had a lot of solid advice here op.

This woman couldn't have ruined your family without your ex husband being willing to throw you all under the bus. It's him you should be angry at. But that's by the by. I think you should make it clear to your dd that from your end at least if she did invite her SM you'll be civil and respectful and make the absolute best of the day with only your dd as your focus so its totally up to her what she wants to do. If she feels strongly that she doesn't want SM there then she needs to speak to her dad and he will need to make a choice to either go without her or not attend. It would be sad if he again choses SM over Dd on her wedding day but ultimately that's his decision to make. It really is just between dd and her dad and nothing to do with you. I'd be making it clear you're supportive of sm attending (and mean it) so you aren't swaying your dds thought process without meaning too. Often children feel they need to stand by the 'wronged' parent and if you really hate this woman she might be following your lead to the point of it running her wedding. This might not be the case but by letting her know you can be in a room with this woman and still make dd your sole focus then you're making sure that's not even an issue and dd can make a free and clear decision.

“…vile step mother drama”

”what do we do”

Bloody loving this aren’t you OP? Great opportunity to whip up a scene about your awful ex husband and his vile wife who EVERYONE hates.

Do one.

What does your daughter want?

I am your daughter in my own experience and I actually eloped to avoid any conversation about my stepmother coming to the wedding - it felt that stressful.

In hindsight, 5 years and two kids later....I
I CAN NOT believe I gave her so much power over me! I should have just told my dad she wasn't coming full stop and it was up to him whether he came on his own or not!

I would tell your DD not to worry about you, all will be fine whether the woman is there or not as your priority is a drama-free day for DD. That way she can arrange whatever with her dad kmowing that mum can be relied on to be chilled and no-fuss. They can be the difficult ones if anyone is going to be. Then stick to that and make it your primary aim to not rise to anything, however hard it is. Bottom line is this woman can only ruin for you what you first allow her to.

My DD is also getting married soon and her father and stepmother (the woman he left me for), will also be there. It was DD's choice . Do you know what I'm going to do OP? I am going to smile, make small talk with both of them and enjoy the day because the day is not about me or them, it's about DD and her lovely DP....if I can't be civil on that 1 day in order not to upset DD then I would have no right being there.

If your DD wants her there or accepts the fact that she may be there then you just suck it up for your DD's sake if nothing else.

I had to deal with this with DH grandmother and her other son who I'd never met.
I'd invited DH grandfather and his wife (he left the grandmother to be with her which ok fair enough but you should be able to put aside for a few hours and it's not like i was going to sit them next to each other foe the entire day). GMother also refused to go because we hadn't invited her golden child who I've never met and DH hasn't seen since he was very young.
She sent us a long letter moaning about it.
I just let her get on with it, just made her look like a twat in the end.