Daughters wedding and vile step mother drama

[MrsPumplechook]

My daughter is talking about getting married and we are thrilled. The issue is that her father left for me for the OW who has been vile in many ways for a number of years. My daughter has zero relationship with her father's wife, other than to say hello and make small talk with. Needless to say, I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.
The issue is, I'm pretty sure that this woman will not allow my ex to go to our daughter's wedding without her.
What do we do? My daughter would dearly love her dad to be there but everyone hates the wife and it would ruin the day for everyone if she turned up.

Well, if I were your DD, I wouldn't want her father's wife at my wedding. Your DD can just invite her father. If he chooses his wife over his DD, then your DD will (sadly) know where she stands.

It could be tough but maybe it's best she learns that sooner, rather than later.

You don't need to know what the vile behaviour was, point is she was vile

I think blaming the OW is a bit like blaming alcohol as opposed to the alcoholic.

How dare the evil witch ruin your special day. Get over yourself OP. Let your daughter invite who she wants.

It is your daughter’s decision as to if she invites her or not and you need to make that crystal clear to her.

Dont let her feel she has to base her decision on you and your feelings. This is her day. If her step mum does attend you need to swallow your pride and smile through.

The posters saying the dd should invite the ow. Would you want someone who had caused you extreme hurt at your wedding (or in your life at all). Yes her father is more to blame but I assume the dd loves him and will want him there. I can't see her wanting the ow attending, and don't see why the op should have to tolerate her being there. I imagine her presence would cause upset and anxiety on what should be a special, happy day.

Given the circumstances the ex husband should be willing to attend without his wife.

I think "everyone" is going to have to have a word with themselves and commit to loving your daughter more than they hate her stepmum and ensure they remain civil and do nothing to spoil her wedding day or take any focus away from her.

And your daughter needs to rope in a couple of big burly friends and put potential trouble makers on a watchlist with instructions to carry them out the back quickly if they look like they are going to kick off.

In short - everyone keep it classy and remember why they're there.

Daughter should put it to her dad that as she has no relationship with his wife, that it would be pointless having her there. Also explain that everyone dislikes her, so it would be best if she stays away. If he then puts his wife before his daughter, then that’s on him.

She does have a relationship with her step mum. They make small talk. Maybe it’s closer than that but the DD doesn’t tell her mum as she knows how OP would react.

But small talk isn’t a relationship though is it? The small talk probably happens when the daughter is visiting father, when it can’t really be avoided. Small talk is usually something someone does to fill in awkward silences or gaps, and generally forced.

Small talk is just good manners. It doesn't mean anything.

Ensure that your DD (and her husband-to-be) know that you will respect any decisions they make about who they invite to their wedding. It sounds as if your DD is saying what she thinks you want to hear. Stop blaming the OW for your ex's behaviour.

The point is, it's the daughter's wedding and it's up to her who she invites.

Ahhhh, at last you get the point

☝️this

My father in law didn’t come to our wedding because of the OW. My husband had a long talk with him but the bottom line was if she wasn’t coming nor was he. It was shit but to have HER a sitting with my husband’s grand mother, sister, aunts and uncles who have simply been too much. My husband’s mother passed away not long after all the affair drama happened, so his father cheating and leaving and his mother dying were very much connected in his mind and his family’s.

I still can’t believe he didn’t come but it didn’t make the day any less special. As usual, it was all about her and how she felt. Not that her partner wasn’t going to his only son’s wedding. She wanted to prove a point and I suppose it her little mind she did. But life goes on and at the end of the day we chose what was good for the greater part of the family.

I wish cheaters thought about the long game. It’s not what happens at the moment but what happens over the course of numerous years. Weddings, babies, graduations etc.

I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly

No, your ex did that by breaking his marriage vows.

this woman will not allow my ex to go to our daughter's wedding without her.

She doesn't have that power over him.

There's a set of Rules of Misogyny that lists the harmful attitudes that keep all woman down and the first one is literally "women are responsible for what men do". The OW may be unpleasant, but she's not to blame for your ex's inability to keep his hands and cock to himself, nor does she get to control whether he goes to the wedding without him.

It's your daughter's wedding and she should decide the guest list. As Mother Of The Bride, you will have a place of honour in the wedding party that OW cannot have because she's not the bride's mother. And everyone there will know that.

Its your daughters wedsing. You so need to put your own feelings to one aide.

She ahoudl invite her step mum. She is her dad's father wife although its not nice for you she is a part of her family

You dont have to speak to her but be smiley on photos and secretly hope she gets twatted on the champers and embarrasses herself honestly this is such a big day for your daughter. Dont ruin it

Apt username. You'd get more longevity if you didn't show your hand so easily.

Peculiar

What does your daughter want? Given there is no perfect scenario, what, for her, is the best case scenario? That’s the one you should go with.

It's your daughter's wedding.

It's up to her.

Don't put any pressure on her or ruin it for her.

In the kindest possible way, this is not about you one little bit.

Hi , I can’t accept the idea that it’s misogyny why I despise the OW , . She and my ex both had an affair, but she was very proactive in causing my ex to stop seeing dd 1 . Dd1 has no contact with my ex , but I would struggle being in a room with two people who were so cruel to me .

I would hope that "everyone" love your daughter and her husband to be enough to not show off any "hatred" towards dad's wife.

Tell your dd you know she is in a difficult spot here but you will 10p% behave and be polite if they invite her. Because you love your dd and want her to have an amazing day.

Then let dd and her husband to be decide if she is invited or not.

This really is one of those times where you have to love your dd more than you hate the OW now wife.

As for headtable dd and her husband to be can have a sweetheart table and then you and father can be on separate tables.

Have you been to counselling to resolve your anger and talk through your feelings? It is not healthy to carry bitterness and anger around with you for years as it rubs off on other people, namely your daughter. Like someone else said, if it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else.