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Original poster

Daughters wedding and vile step mother drama

176 replies

MrsPumplechook · 28/05/2024 09:47

My daughter is talking about getting married and we are thrilled. The issue is that her father left for me for the OW who has been vile in many ways for a number of years. My daughter has zero relationship with her father's wife, other than to say hello and make small talk with. Needless to say, I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.
The issue is, I'm pretty sure that this woman will not allow my ex to go to our daughter's wedding without her.
What do we do? My daughter would dearly love her dad to be there but everyone hates the wife and it would ruin the day for everyone if she turned up.

OP posts:
Beamur · 28/05/2024 10:44

You're hating the wrong person here. It wasn't just the OW who split up your family.
Top tip! Having been through the pretty much exact same situation a few years ago. Be like my Mum, don't express any opinions on this at all.
Or if you do, just tell your DD that whatever she decides will be fine - the most important thing is that she has a nice day.
I invited my Dad, and his wife and their children. Only he turned up. My parents chatted politely to each other and there was little drama.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/05/2024 10:44

Maybe your DD doesn't have an issue with it at all and maybe it's your issue and she feels she has to placate you. Make it easy for your daughter. It is her day.

How about you put your feelings aside for the one day and be happy for your daughter. You don't have to have any interaction with your daughter's step mother at all. Instead of making this all about you just step back and don't add extra pressure on your daughter when weddings can be stressful enough.

Ozanj · 28/05/2024 10:45

Leave it to your DD to manage. If she doesn’t want dsd there then easiest just to invite her dad. If he doesn’t turn up that’s on him

FloofyBird · 28/05/2024 10:45

You're making wild assumptions and putting your daughter under unneeded pressure to keep YOU happy. Grow up.

SemperIdem · 28/05/2024 10:47

I would try to put aside your feelings here.

There are ways to make seating arrangements as neutral as possible, no traditional top table and so on. There is no reason you would have to interact with your exh or his wife. Photographers can be briefed on who goes in which photos and so on. I know because I have done it myself with my own wedding.

It will be hard for your daughter if she is forced to choose between you and her dad.

It’s just one day, and it’s not about you.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/05/2024 10:52

Out of interest when is the everyone hates the wife? I am assuming it is you. So it is up to you to allow your daughter to have an easy wedding or not.

curious79 · 28/05/2024 11:00

I can't but help feel that the issue here is you. You say 'you hate her with every cell of your body' but not him?!! The real cause of your family's break up! When will women stop blaming other women? She didn't come along and waft her pheromones in front of a deeply committed and loyal man or cast a spell. He made choices.
If your daughter knows you feel such venom - and TBH I wonder to what degree that simmering feeling will have either created conflict in the past or indeed caused you to perceive it - then of course she will feel some too.
Turning to the present, he is remarried. If DD wants her dear unfaithful disloyal father at the wedding, then she needs to respect the fact he has a partner, bar them both, or have a conversation with him imploring him for that one day to be about her and to come alone. Maybe even ask the stepmother nicely too 'for her mum's sake'. Depending on how conflict averse etc he is he'll make a choice

MrsMoastyToasty · 28/05/2024 11:01

Don't hate the OW. It's a waste of emotion. Indifference is the opposite of love.
Legally nobody can be banned from a wedding, but the invitees are your DD and SIL problem, not yours.

Bestyearever2024 · 28/05/2024 11:02

Your DD does have a relationship with her stepmother. They chat , it's a relationship

I agree with PP, are you sure that your DD would hate for her stepmother to be at her wedding, or is DD simply worried about YOUR reaction?

Your ex-husband was married and had an affair. Current step mother is NOT to blame for ex-husband's choice. Ex husband is to blame for his choice

I suggest you have some counselling , OP, so that you dont ruin your daughters big day

Ariela · 28/05/2024 11:05

Went to a lovely wedding a couple of years ago, and frankly you'd not have noticed that there were family issues and relatives not speaking but I was assured there were and that the riot act had been read to both bride's parents and family, that this was the bride and groom's day and not to be spoilt!

No top table, bride and groom had a 'best friends of bride and groom' table - all the young people. There was a table for the dad of bride's newer family and a table for mum of bride's family spaced at opposite ends of the room, with other tables between filled with neutral people. Dad gave bride away. Gave a minimal speech from his table. There was no awkwardness, it was a lovely day, and unless you'd been told you'd never know.
There was only 1 toast glass of free champagne and soft drinks, tea, coffee, etc were also free all the rest had to be paid for (which helped reduce risk of alcohol fuelled issues as many stuck to just the free stuff) and it was noticeable bride's dad family made early exit on grounds of their (not that young) children needing to go - but that was only thing I noted, and had I not been told I probably wouldn't have noted IYSWIM.

mitogoshi · 28/05/2024 11:08

Does everyone hate her or just you? The person who cheated was him not her. For one day you can make polite small talk, you are adults.

My dd marries later in the year, yes ex will be there and partner, we'll chat about the weather or whatever

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 28/05/2024 11:10

You need to let your daughter and her fiancé make the decision and you absolutely have to suck it up. You don't have to be nice on the day but you can be polite. It's your daughters day, not yours. I was in the exact same position and I told DD and Dsil that I was happy with whatever they decided. I suggested inviting the OW to the wedding. In the end, she refused to go, ds walked DD down the aisle and exh sat with his relatives, not at the top table. My son, who hadn't spoken to his father for years, shook his hand at the reception line as did I. We were polite and said thanks for coming. Honestly, it was a great wedding. I looked fabulous and I had a ball. Exh left in tears after the first dance. Dd and Dsil made all the decisions, I kept my mouth firmly shut.

rwalker · 28/05/2024 11:12

Strength in numbers

but the thing is she won’t give a flying fuck what you think about her but the only person this is hurting is you

eileandubh · 28/05/2024 11:40

My daughter is talking about getting married and we are thrilled

When you say 'we are thrilled', who's we? Have you also moved on with a new partner?

unsync · 28/05/2024 11:53

It's not healthy to hold on to that level of negative emotion. It will destroy you. Your ex was the one that left, she was a symptom not the cause. If she is vile, you need to be fabulous and rise above. Time to get over it and move on.

Ladyj84 · 28/05/2024 12:05

Your anger is so misplaced. Your ex broke your marriage up nobody else. Second your daughter is an adult and can sort things with her dad. If he chooses not to come that's his own choice just like breaking a marriage up was. In a way I feel sorry for the other woman she probably feels all this anger and actually it's totally at the wrong person

Janedoe82 · 28/05/2024 12:15

Stop putting extra stress on your daughter. You might not like the other woman but it is your daughters day and you have to put on a brave face.

ABirdsEyeView · 28/05/2024 12:44

It's a thing on MN to say you can't blame OW for anything. While I agree it's ultimately down to the cheating husband, a woman who colludes with and enables a man to betray his wife, is still skanky imo and you aren't obliged to let her off the blame hook.
Realistically women end up having to be civil to the cheating spouse because of shared children, but you don't have to think that ow bears no responsibility at all for her own part.

I do agree that you have to be led by your dd and how important it is for her to have her dad there. It's horrible being a mum sometimes - having to put a brave face on and smile and pretend you are okay for the sake of the children, while your ex has done whatever the fuck he liked, didn't care who got hurt and still gets his feelings pandered to. My sympathies OP x

ChangeAgain2 · 28/05/2024 12:50

She needs to invite her dad ALONE. If he chooses not to come that's in him .

SingleMummyHere1 · 28/05/2024 12:55

I don't know why people are giving OP a hard time. She didn't say that she blames only the OW - she accepts that exH has to be there and is wanted there by her DD, it's the exH's wife that her DD doesn't want there and is therefore the issue. Hence why she is focusing on her.

And both exH and OW caused the hurt and destruction, not only exH.

Gazelda · 28/05/2024 12:56

I can understand how hard this is for you.

But please, don't let your DD know your feelings around the invite situation. Let her invite whoever she chooses to without any comment from you.

If the OW accepts the invite, talk with your DD about ways you can minimise interaction between you, while making sure that the day is about DD and her fiancé.

I was in a similar situation to your DD, except it was MIL. The amount of time we (DH and I) spent trying to make the best of the situation and then begging, pleading and finally accepting DMIL's decision not to come. In the end, she did come and had a fabulous time. We'd put relatives on standby to support her and/or distract any issues. Honestly, she was a focal point of at least half the guests attention. Don't allow that to happen to your DD.

JudgeJ · 28/05/2024 12:56

rainbowstardrops · 28/05/2024 09:55

It's tricky but your daughter needs to speak to her dad and explain how she's feeling. I don't know why you're blaming the other woman for wrecking your marriage because your ex husband did that.

It takes two doesn't it?

ExtraOnions · 28/05/2024 12:57

It’s up to your daughter who are invites … do not put any pressure on her not to invite the SM, with “everyone hates her” speak, or making it a question of loyalty.

I too a confused about who the “we” and “everyone” is in this story … most of the guests (I imagine) will be your daughters / her OH, friends .. who don’t give two hoots about past misdeeds.

Sallyh87 · 28/05/2024 12:57

If I was your daughter, I’d invite her. Whether she likes her or not she is her father’s partner. Unless she has behaviours where she might disrupt the wedding, why not invite her.

I detest my FIL as does my husband, however he was invited as a package with MIL and I just ignored him mostly. No point in creating drama.

3luckystars · 28/05/2024 12:58

Just keep thinking that you are a guest the same as everyone else, just keep out of her way on the day and enjoy yourself!!

It's your daughter’s day and her party, her decisions. You are just turning up like everyone else.

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