Daughters wedding and vile step mother drama

[MrsPumplechook]

My daughter is talking about getting married and we are thrilled. The issue is that her father left for me for the OW who has been vile in many ways for a number of years. My daughter has zero relationship with her father's wife, other than to say hello and make small talk with. Needless to say, I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.
The issue is, I'm pretty sure that this woman will not allow my ex to go to our daughter's wedding without her.
What do we do? My daughter would dearly love her dad to be there but everyone hates the wife and it would ruin the day for everyone if she turned up.

As above^^
Just be very circumspect on the day. Be the bigger, more diplomatic person. No matter what others think of her. Just get on with it for your daughter’s sake.

Keep her in the corner of your eye and move away/drift off if she gets too close. Circulate, enjoy catching up with guests, stay relaxed.

Ive been there and it worked perfectly. Have a lovely time.
You can do it.

As the DD is able to be courteous to your ex's new wife, saying hello and small chit chat, it sounds to me that the only person who would have a problem with her being there is the OP.

Leave it to DD to decide who she wants there without pressure from you, I imagine that DD is more worried about your reaction OP if she invited her father and his wife.

You need to stop putting a flea in your daughters ear and let her get on with her wedding invites.

All this nastiness from you is aimed at the woman yet you are happy for your ex husband to be there! That's really pathetic that he is accepted and his wife isn't!

Besides, it's all water under the bridge and you need to let go.

This what happened with my parents.
My dad’s parents divorced and both remarried.
But they couldn’t bear to spend a couple of hours in the same room as each other.
Both said they wouldn't come if the other was there.
In the end, my father married with NO ONE from his family there….

Dont be like them.

Dont put pressure on your dd because you dont want your ex partner there for the wedding.
Dont go on and on on how it would ‘ruin it for everyone there’.
It’s her wedding.
You surely want the best for her. You want her to have a great day.
So please, stop talking about it. Tell her to do whatever is making her happy. And if your ex’s partner is there, suck it up.
Your issue with your ex, your hatred for the OW (but strangely enough, not for him), your marriage issues have no place in that wedding.

We did the same. We also had step dad's ex wife (who I'm quite close with), ex stepmother and dad's GF at the time. All were seated with people they knew and liked and everyone had a lovely time.

My ex also left me for OW and married her. We had a rocky few years when we couldn't be in the same place at the same time, but I made it clear that I was open for this to happen.

I did not want the scenario you describe to happen to my children. I had seen it play out so often among friends, it really is not fair to the children who absolutely are the innocent parties in anything that went on between their parents and step parents.

We now both attend family events and are friendly towards each other. When my DC get married there will be no issues about who sits where, we will both attend and will sort it out so that everyone is happy. The only person who could make sure this happened was me, I had to make that decision.

I would gently suggest that it will not ruin everyones day if she turns up, but if you are unable to control your feelings about her then that might.

I think you should be the bigger person here, and not put your daughter in an impossible position.
Sort the tables out so the OP and Ex sit far apart.
Sort the photos, so no photos togther, etc
Hold your head up, and show you have moved on.

Ow didn’t ruin your family, your ex did. Expecting him to come to his daughter’s wedding without his wife is petty and makes it about you. The day should be about your daughter and you reassuring her that she doesn’t have to walk on egg shells around you.

It's not about 'fault'. Read the OPs post. The new wife / OW has been vile. Nobody likes her and would rather not have to see her.

Hmm. Take one 'wicked stepmother + wedding' OP, add one zero-fault ex DH, leave to simmer for 9 hours without stirring... Voila! One all purpose summer drama, if basic.

Can be spiced up with later garnishes of poem requests for honeymoon fund, dramatic divorce details, restraining orders, custody struggles over family dog, etc.

(edited because it's not actually an AIBU. It just reads like one.)

That's the daughter's call to make. According to OP, she is civil with her stepmother. The situation is hers to handle as she sees fit.

Surely 'everyone' puts on a happy face and pretends not to mind her stepmum being there for your daughter's sake?

My stepmum was the other woman. I'd have been devastated if my mum put her feelings about her divorce ahead of making sure my wedding went smoothly.

Also, even if she's the devil incarnate, she didn't break up your marriage. Your ex did. It's completely understandable to be angry... you just have to hide it at your child's important events.

@MrsPumplechook I say this gently, but from what you have posted it sounds like the only person who will be upset if your daughter's step mother is at her wedding is yourself?

The break up happened years ago, according to your post and it sounds like you have remarried or have a new long term partner since you say 'we are thrilled'. Is that correct?

Your daughter doesn't sound like she hates the OW since she talks to her and makes small talk. It sounds from your post, that your daughter perhaps just doesn't comment when you sound off about the OW/ or agrees just to keep the peace with you?

What does your daughter actually want to happen? Have you asked her, without putting pressure on her to tell you what you want to hear, and not the truth of what she wants

The step mum is counting on not being invited so she can ban the father from attending. I wouldn't let her have the power nor the satisfaction by ensuring that she is invited. Introduce her to everyone so that they all know who she is and act like she's just another guest. That's the way to deal with little shit heads like the step mother.

How do you know what the step mother is thinking?!

Agree with you 😜

But the comment was about fault

You do what my parents did and Parent Up.

my dad left us for OW, she’s banned us from his life/house and we hardly saw him after he left.

of course we all hate her. Still do. The Skank who had her own H leave her for OW, only for her to do it to someone else’s family. Yeah yeah takes 2 to tango, but she could have said no, knowing how fucking awful it is for kids etc.

so my mum and her DP met up with my dad and the OW (old witch) and agreed to make this wedding all about the bride and not about them.

so suggest a meet just you (dp) and your ex and OW and rise above it.

dont make a drama, thats not fair on your DD and she deserves better. She doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of your meeting, but you do all just need to put it to one side for the sake of your dd.

i also dread OH dds getting married, I’ll be dragged in as support person for OH and his second ex is awful. The hope is that she continues to be as awful as she is and her own dd won’t have her there 🤣

But you're saying nobody likes the stepmum or wants to see her. There's nothing in the OP to suggest that's true of the daughter. In fact, OP admits that they're civil at least. We don't even know what this "vile" behaviour that apparently never included the ex husband was.

100% this.

my dsis was living abroad so got married there, this gave the O- witch the out everyone wanted (including my dad)

nobody cared. No drama was dram-ed

but she’d been to mine a few years earlier

Your DD is worried about upsetting you, which is sweet and shows how close you are.

Return her loyalty by telling her to invite the step mum and promising not to cause a drama about it. Allow DD as stress-free a wedding as possible and demonstrate your love for her like that.

Your ex and the OW didn't put her first when they cheated. You can be the better person and put her first now. She'll only love you more for it and it certainly won't make her suddenly like her step mother.

OP, you need to be the bigger person and just smile sweetly.

My eldest son is getting married next year and his sperm donor will be there, along with his girlfriend of many years. MY HUSBAND and I have brought up my son, giving him the life he deserves, my ex and his girlfriend have been vile and really cant be arsed. Guess what I will be smiling in all the photos as I will not let my ex and his girlfriend spoil the day with any drama.

You also should not be angry at the OW, she did not make any vows to you and it must be at least 10-15 years ago that it happened, maybe move on.

This is your daughters day, not yours to hold a grudge and cause issues, do not make your daughter choose.

She should invite her father and his wife if she wants her dad there. I wouldn't attend if my spouse was deliberately excluded. At some point you have to put old resentment aside for the sake of your children. You don't have to like either of them (he is as much to blame as she is) but surely you can be polite for one day? Your DD should be able to have a wedding where her parents and their spouses are civil to each other.

I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.

YABU to blame the OW. Your ex-husband damaged your family.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to not want her anywhere near the wedding and not wanting any drama.

Imagine saying to your daughter that actually you support her decision and want to enable her to have both parents at her wedding & that you are more than capable of being the bigger person, if this is what your daughter wants.

Putting your kids first doesn’t just end at them turning 18. It’s one day.

Be the bigger person and speak with your daughter and everyone who might have an issue . Ideally he should go without her but if he doesn’t and your daughter wants him there then please be the bigger person . Nobody needs to pay attention to her at all . If you give it to much importance it will ruin her day .